do you know what it's like

to not have your parents believe in you?
for them always take your friends' sides over your own?

I do. and I hate it.

blahhhhhhhhh

I don't even know.
Michael and I were "having a fight" hahahaahhaaa.
idk.
but yeah.

The Names Mik3 (12:40:59 AM): that call actually made me smile a little.

idk.

it's technically new year's eve. yay!

rkfdancer (8:50:06 PM): we should find seth rogen on myspace
rkfdancer (8:50:06 PM): haha
rkfdancer (8:50:12 PM): well fake seth rogen
rkfdancer (8:50:16 PM): that you kissed
candacetrain (8:50:20 PM): hahahaaha
candacetrain (8:50:21 PM): nah
candacetrain (8:50:22 PM): I don't care
rkfdancer (8:50:52 PM): no that way whenever you want to you can just hit him up
rkfdancer (8:50:54 PM): hahahahaha jk
rkfdancer (8:50:58 PM): or you can find someone else
rkfdancer (8:51:01 PM): like david cook
rkfdancer (8:51:02 PM):
candacetrain (8:51:09 PM): no way. the next person I"m kissing will actually mean something to me
candacetrain (8:51:18 PM): David Cook, I could go for that
rkfdancer (8:51:25 PM): I thought so
rkfdancer (8:51:37 PM): you could kiss your friend michael
rkfdancer (8:51:38 PM): ;D
rkfdancer (8:51:41 PM): haha

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

my alarm went off at 5:43 this morning I believe. I had to get up by 6 or we weren't gonna do presents until WAY later. so I got up, walked into the kitchen at 5:55, turned on the light and kind of yelled in my parents' room's direction "Five minutes!"
"Four minutes!"
"Three minutes!"
then I think I put on *NSYNC's Christmas cd and turned on the tree.
then I went to the bathroom.
"GET UPPP! IT'S CHRISTMAS! GET UPPPPPPPP! PRESENT TIME!!! Put on some clothes before you come out! GET UPPPP!!!"
:D

so we started w/ our stockings. first thing I opened: OKTOMAT <3>
my stocking was chock full of camera stuff from lomography.com :D soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ridiculously excited.

then I played Santa and handed out presents. I gave mom a bottle of lotion's that fragrance is something like "Dancing Waters" or something, and I said it was from the Urchin Peoples hahahahaha. I got some more camera stuff, a lamp, more camera stuff, THE COMPLETE SERIES OF THE O.C. (I've been asking for that for years haha), a picture frame, and a tripod. so needless to say, I'm gonna be out shooting a lot soon hopefully.
I'M SO EXCITED. and apparently all the camera stuff came from Germany :)

all my camera stuff:
Oktomat
Fisheye 2
-fisheye circle cutter
Supersampler
Square-35 Pinhole Camera
Standard-35 Pinhole Camera
Lomolitos
Pop 9 Split Cam
fotoclips

I'M SO EXCITED :D I have to name them all, and for sure one of them will be Parker, not sure which one yet though. FAB way to start Christmas I think. and my mom said it was the first time I ever actually woke her up for Christmas, and I'm 18. how odd hahaha.
-7:36am

we left the house at like 8 to go to Colin and Erin's for presents and food.
I got some pj bottoms, socks, a $30 gift card to Barnes and Noble (YESSSSSSSS!), Titanic, Stardust, Tales of Beedle the Bard (of which I read 64 pages while there, almost done), a Twilight movie book, and The Lump of Coal by Lemony Snicket.
while we were eating breakfast (I ate at the table with the kids and Kelly), Sean looks up at me and asks "Do you have brains?" and I was like "What? Do I have brains?" and Sean said, "Yeah." I didn't know how to answer that because I was so stunned by the question, please keep in mind that he's not quite 4 yet, and my Uncle Colin was like "I think her lack of an answer about sums it up." hahahahahahahaha
it was absolutely hilarious. and Sean is the CUTEST kid in the entire world. I swear.


and now we're at home. I took a shower, cleaned the cat box, and put the presents back under the tree. I still need to clean my bathroom/room and vaccuum. and soon will be presents w/ my g-rents.
-1:22pm

then I cleaned. mom came home and g-rents came over. got a couple of cashmere cardigans from my grandparents, a SICK calendar from my parents, a tripod from my 'rents, and pjs and a realllllllly cool cross (that I'll probably never way but it's really neat) from my grandparents.
um, I don't remember what happened after that. maybe Kelly and Brandon showed up? so then I put on White Christmas and started constructing my square do-it-yourself camera. TOOK ME OVER TWO WHOLE HOURS. so frustrating, but it's neato.
we had dinner in between me finishing the camera and I had potato sandwiches. carbs much? YEAH.
then I finished the camera. ummmmmmmm, then we just hung out for awhile I think. then June and Ernie showed up and we had desert (this delicious concoction that's part chocolate ganache and part carmel filling with whipped cream on the top. I was only gonna have a bite of my mom's piece because my tater sandwiches filled me up, but after I took one bite I had to get my own it was so good. then we played a funny game that my g-ma wanted us to play. Ernie was protective of his Purell and Brandon of his irish springs soap hahahahahaha.
then I started working on my standard pinhole camera. after about 5 minutes of that we opened presents w/ June and Ernie. June's parents (Mama Honey and Tom) got me this delicious smelling hand soap and June and Ernie got me lotion and socks. and I still had a couple presents from my parents that I hadn't seen earlier and they were more lomolitos and the action sampler.
I HAVE SO MANY NEW CAMERAS TO NAME!!!!!!!!! :D
then I finished my standard pinhole, only took me like an hour and a half thankfully :)

so I pretty much got almost everything I asked for, minus the twin lens reflex that I still plan on buying, the Faceless International shirt, and a Charity:Water umbrella (I plan on getting both of those too because they're really awesome and for GREAT causes).
it was a good year. these past two Christmases have been FAB.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS :D

-11:01pm

so I had this dream, rather, a nightmare

I was in a hotel that had the same layout as my house and I was on the computer and both my parents were in bed and I hear the garage door open so I'm like 'what the hell?'
so I get up to go check it out and then there's this girl with dark hair covering her face and she comes over to me in a split second and stabs me in the cheek with a syringe full of something that should have killed me.
I collapsed against the counter and fell to the floor and then the next thing I knew I was awake and trying to describe what had happened to my parents or somebody
I guess the girl had a grudge against me or something.

then I woke up at 6:12 and realized it was just a dream, I seriously thought it was real though.

and while I was typing this out to Michael, I realized the girl that tried kill me, quite possibly could've been myself.

Christmas is a time for people with love in their lives

-And that's not you?

-That's not me, Michael.

love actually

I don't even know. this year didn't feel like Christmas at all. I still have tomorrow, but nothing felt like Christmas. I did not watch a SINGLE Christmas classic. didn't really listen to Christmas music. nothing felt/feels like Christmas.

I decided I would trade EVERY gift I'm going to be getting tomorrow, and ALL the gifts I'd get in the future just to be in love.

I would.

I know you can't buy love, but if I could, oh baby would I.

why do we always say we're fine

when it's obvious we're lying

I tend to do that a lot. say I'm okay with something but I'm actually not. but I hate rocking the boat. oh I don't know.

I realized today that I feel like I can most be myself around Jack and Olivia. like I don't have to pretend about anything with them. and conversations are just so comfortable with them. like I never have to feign interest or anything of the sort (not that I usually do that!) but yeah. I don't know. I miss them. but I get to see them both tomorrow at T-Mama's xmas party. well if we all don't get snowed in. ha. it'll be the first time we've all been together since freaking August. I'm quite looking forward to it.
oh, and I also feel like myself around Alexandrea as well. I love that girl like no other and I cannot wait until February. it best work out!!!!

"Finding" out who you are can not happen when you are only being what you think different groups of people will like.

so I've been reading some of Camille Young's blogs on xanga tonight (aka Parker's little sister) and SERIOUSLY that entire family is beautiful. it makes me feel guilty for not having a better relationship with my parents, but that's just not how my family is. but it makes me want to have a big family full of love when I get older.
and I want a friend like this:

Thank you for forcing sardines down my throat. Thank you for dragging me across the floor while singing "little bunny foo-foo." Thank you for telling me I resemble a llama or a cockatoo on a regular basis. Thank you for not being able to NOT share every detail of your day with me. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for hoping and dreaming with me.

minus the sardines ;)

so I was reading her blogs and then my mom called me from the other room and it brought me back to reality: that my life isn't what I want it to be. what it needs to be.

I need to get a job, save some money, and just move away from here. I don't belong here. I really really don't. I think Melissa put it perfectly: this town is a black hole. people leave, but end up getting sucked back in. I do NOT want that to happen to me. I just don't belong here anymore!!! it was good when I first moved here almost 6 years ago, but not anymore. I need new faces more than anything right now. and people always say "oh, I'm going to move away" or "I just want to get out of here" but never do anything about it. I'm not going to let that happen. there's nothing keeping me here at all except for the fact that I have like no money to my name, but other than that, whatever. my parents will always be my parents no matter what, and the people I care about the most have already moved away. so once I save up some money I am OUT OF HERE.

back to fate

if I believe in one thing above anything else in this life, it's love

last night I wrote in my journal,

my dream book, and my notebook from Ashland.
first time I'd written in ages. I like writing. I love black ink pens.
and the reason for that was because the power went out for awhile and I never felt like turning my computer on. I also like writing in my journal for the sheer fact that it is completely private. well unless somebody steals it or something.

my mother told such a great story last night. I called it The Plight of the Urchin Peoples.
it was about this guy w/ a shucket in his bucket that was attacked by a giant clam. then a sea witch named Ursula (no relation to The Little Mermaid) stole his voice. he fell through a trap door in the bottom of the ocean and met the urchin peoples. apparently they were disenfranchised and the man brought them back "into the fray". then after 20 long years of searching he found the sea witch and got his voice back by hugging her. hahaha.
I recorded 13 minutes of it on my phone. the women in my family definitely have a knack for storytelling to say the least.

my mom won these yummy chocolates from her work xmas party the other night and at one point I had a Grand Marnier (it's Belgian chocolate) and I said aloud "I almost asked a really dumb question: Where is Belgian chocolate from?"
to which my mother so astutely replied "It's from Ghana. Belgian Ghana chocolate."
so I asked how it got there and she said "Well the cocoa bean used to be grown in Belgium, but then...-"
"It moved!"
"Yes, it moved."
hahahahaha. I love my mother :D

today I've been drinking A LOT of water. and I have no idea why. but it tastes really good to me for some reason. which is good.

hmm

I think I actually made it more than it ever was.
I reread old messages and there was no substance there.
like we didn't even get below the surface.
now I just feel silly. but I'm okay with that.
I can completely move on now and that makes me quite happy :)
like I freakin talk to Michael more than I ever talked to Alex and about substantial stuff too lol.
I really feel silly. but it's okay :)
and I realized I have my friends and what I love and that's all I really need.

I've been generally happy for about 3 1/2 months now and I am oh so very thankful for that.
it's definitely a better feeling than being depressed all the time, that's for shizz.
sure I'd like a few things to be different, but overall I'm content :)

oh, and, dang it! I forgot what I wanted to say!!!!
:(

um, I was extremely vulnerable last night (12/11). and it wasn't the kind of forced vulnerability I sometimes employ to get sympathy. (I haven't really been doing that lately anyway. it's stupid.) it was just natural. I hadn't felt vulnerable in an extremely long time, and this might sound really odd, but it was a good feeling. it's difficult to explain. but I am reminded of something Stephen Christian wrote:

be human, be vulnrable, be real, be hurt, be rational, be flexible, learn, grow, move on. be human once again

oh! I had a dream last night that I was bipolar! it was SCARY

I liked Nate Young's younger brother or something (yeah, not a real person, although he does have a younger bro but it wasn't him) and we were all hanging out and we went to the cafeteria where their mom worked to get some food. this blonde girl accidentally bumped into me and didn't say sorry and my first reaction was BITCH! YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! and I pushed her. it freaking came out of nowhere and in my dream I was FREAKING OUT thinking "What am I doing? This isn't me!!!" and then I passed out. it was soooooooooooo very strange.

fuck you.

just fuck you.
I did what I thought was best.
and you didn't care.
thanks. asshole.

no really.

pourquoi?

porque?

warum?

quare?

dlaczego?

miksi?

perché?

proč?

لماذا?

de ce?

защо?

なぜ?

почему?

zašto?

hvorfor?

varför?

γιατί?

why?

i hope you're not living a lie

he's everything I could ever hope for.

http://www.xanga.com/pensivemidnight

Parker Parker Parker

I unfortunately realized the other night that I am so not the type of girl he would be with.

it took me back to something in Stephen Christian's The Orphaned Anythings (or maybe it was just in his blog) that said something along the lines of "Stop looking for [Mr.] Right and start becoming [Mrs.] Right.

I've found Mr. Right, aka Parker, but I'm not yet Mrs. Right.

oh this is so silly. but really, Parker is everything I could ever hope for, could ever dream of. he's just a beautiful person in every way. I wish I was older. I wish I lived in NYC. I wish Parker and I could fall in love.

you broke my heart

but not really.
it's difficult to explain.
I thought I loved you. I thought you loved me.
you said it was real; at the time.
that was a little comforting at least. at least it wasn't some horrible joke.
I don't know why this is bothering me so much, but it really is. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it.
you were 'perfect' for me, I realized that then, but I realize it more now. it's an awful feeling.
and I've been thinking lately, maybe love is a choice. it would seriously crush my heart if that were true, but all the signs are currently pointing towards "CHOICE", away from "FATE".
I desperately hope and pray that I am wrong. I want love to be everything. and I don't want it to be a choice, I want it to be a necessity, something I need, to eat, to sleep, to breathe, to live.
but if it's a choice, at this point in my young and naive existence, I am S.O.L.
I just want to so badly to get over you, to move on, and I've been trying sooooooo hard, but it's just not working. I've prayed about it NUMEROUS times, and yet my prayers still go unanswered.
it's so difficult. I hate this. I really don't want to feel like this anymore. I'd love to be friends, I really would. I just hate thinking about you so much. it's just stupid. I'm stupid.
this is just awful.

Owl Monkey

so my mom, Heather, and I played Trivial Pursuit tonight. soooooooooooooooooo many funny things happened it was absolutely RIDICULOUS.

Heather: 'What doesn't work at night and uses a gnomon to tell the time?'

Mom: A solar watch!

me & Heather: A SUN DIAL!!!

one question was about a monkey that looks like a nocturnal bird and the answer was Owl Monkey and when I said it my mom LOST IT.

then we all started laughing. and my mom said, "I'm gonna pee my pants!" and we laughed even harder and then she said, "I did pee my pants!!!" hahahahahha lmfao

we were on the floor rolling around laughing. LITERALLY.

after laughing for a solid like 4 minutes my mom said "I need to go change my pants" and Heather and I just kept on laughing.

that game is pretty much the best :D

the other night when mom, Starshine, and I were playing one of the questions was "As of 2006, which of the 9 planets was not named after a Greek/Roman god?"

the answer was Earth and my mom proceeded to say "I'd like to know the Greek god Uranus was named after."

my mother is a hoot. :)

anyyyyyyyyyyyway, now to the whole point of writing this thing.

I WOULD NOT MARRY DAVID COOK IF I COULD MARRY PARKER YOUNG.

yes, I said it. I would give up David Cook for Parker. Parker is just incredible and he's an AMAZING photographer and I admire him and he's just incredible. the only downside is that he's SUPER skinny, but oh well, I'll look past that lol. just everything about him, oh he's wonderful. really.

and I think if we ever met, we would completely fall in love lol. :D

what I need is closure

I think I got a little bit, but not the vindicating closure that makes you feel better.
but I'll take what I can get at this point.

Nathan Morris is really good. I like his music a lot.

today was interesting.
my face hurts a lot still and I still have a headache.
but I'm okay

you know, I've never really understood Thanksgiving

the whole "thankful" part's never really come into the equation in my family.
so when people ask "What are you thankful for this year?" my response today is "Abso-fuckin-lutely nothing."

Starshine came in at 10:30 to tell me that if I wasn't up by noon that he was going to throw a bucket of water on me to get up. so I took that as he would wake me up at noon.
so when my cousin Alison came in at 1 asking me if I wanted a sandwich or something I was like "Huhhhhhhhh???" and Starshine wasn't around so I assumed he had already gone to Colin's.
but when he walked in the door at 1:30 and came into my room and said "You're not going to Colin's" I was like WTF? and then I tried to explain to him why I hadn't gotten up (b/c I didn't know what time it was b/c I fell back asleep HARD when he came in the first time) and he didn't fucking listen. he never does. like I try to explain something and all he does is talk over me. and then he left. then my cousin said, "Do you think you could be ready in 10 minutes Candace?" and I told her he already left and she said "Well I can go see if I can get him to wait" so I got up and brushed my teeth, went to the bathroom, got dressed. but by the time I got out of the bathroom he had left and Alison said "Well I guess it looks like you'll be going with your mom. He did wait a little while though." so I was like FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK and said "Well I guess I can take a shower then," so I went back into the bathroom and got ready to take a shower when Starshine knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to go. I was like WHAT THE FUCKKKKK? and I told him "I'm about to take a goddamn shower. Just go." and by that point I had already been quietly crying. and then he asked me what was wrong and I screamed at him "YOU ARE!" and turned the shower on and got in. that's when I started bawling. he knocked on the door again and asked "Why are you crying?" and my response through my violent crying was "I'M TAKING A FUCKING SHOWER! LEAVE ME ALONE!" and then I curled up in the shower. that's the first time I've ever sat down in there. and I stayed there for 10 minutes, just crying.
and the worst part of this whole situation is that my mother will take his side. like she always does. I'm so fucking tired of it. all I want is somebody to be on my side for once. I know the obvious answer is God, but He's fuckin Switzerland, He's neutral, He's on everybody's side. so where does that leave me? sitting in the shower. bawling my eyes out. that's where.

one word

why?



C:\Users\Michael\Documents\IMs\Alex 11-28-07.html
C:\Users\Michael\Documents\IMs\Alex 11-29-07.html

I really don't even know

I don't think I'm as good of a person as I like to think.
I'm soooooo hypocritical sometimes. and I hate it. I'm trying to change that.

a year ago today

a beautiful November morning
early, no traffic
tall buildings on all sides
a jaw dropped in awe
the splendor of the city
reflected in high window panes
stepping out of the car
the air cool and crisp
even more beautiful from the street
constant clicking of the camera's shutter
walking with her father
the girl is happy
view of the bridge from the hill
at her father's suggestion
the girl stands
in the middle of the empty street
clicks the shutter once
satisfied, she returs to the sidewalk
little did she know
this photograph would embody her favorite city
little did she know
this photograph would take her back
to that morning everytime she looked at it
little did she know
this photograph would change her life
little did she know
on an early November morning


also a year ago today something started that should never have begun in the first place

he said "i love you"

she brushed it off

"you mean everything to me"

"I love you too" she half-lied

she thought it was too soon to tell

but he insisted and drew her in

every intention of flying together

forever

"you're beautiful" he told her

elated, she couldn't resist his charm

could this really last?

in their minds the answer was 'yes'

would do everything they could

false sense of security

confrontation arose

he wasn't thinking clearly before

but he still wanted to be friends

"it's all or nothing at all"

later on she tried to be friends

but he wanted nothing to do with her

ignored her even

the closest thing she ever had to love

holy shit. tomorrow's the 21st

oh bother.

one of the best days of my life it was :/

more on that tomorrow though

Flow For the Love of Water

great great film
very informative and heartbreaking at the same time
water is being privatized all over the world by big corporations and it's making life for so very many people so much harder than it already was, harder than it has to be. dams are being built that disrupt ecosystems and displace whole communities.
it's awful.

flowthefilm.com
charitywater.org

go to those!!! educate yourself!

I had an absolutely MARVELOUS day

and for no particular reason! I love being happy again :D

I got up, went about my morning routines, Becca Kate showed up earlier than usual, we got to Butte at 7:41. that's pretty much a record for us lol. then I stood outside my classroom for a few minutes waiting for my professor to show up, but then a blonde lady came and posted a sign on the door saying class was canceled. so I told this guy Weston (I think that's his name) that we didn't have class and he was like "Are you serious?" and I was like "Yep." so that meant I didn't have class until 11. and I was totally okay with it. I wasn't mad that I had gotten up for no reason, I was just happy. so I called Elnora to ask where she was and we saw each other while on the phone so we met at the bottom of the stairs. and we talked and then this boy walked by and smiled at me. he was beautiful. he was wearing a beanie and plaid and lots of layers if I recall correctly. and he had the pretttttttttttiest blue eyes :) and then Elle and walked around the other side of the library and she decided she should go to class so I went into the library and found myself a computer, coincidentally next to a couple of WoW addicts lol. they were LOUD and annoying, but entertaining at the same time. the one guy kept saying to the other guy "Do NOT be a total noob" it was pretty hilarious. during my time in the library I kept reading more of Stephen Christian's OLD blogs on Modesty and I talked to my east coast friend Ryan who saw anberlin last night. so we had a pretty good conversation about them :)

then around 9:12ish I left the library to meet Sara outside her class. I got there and Elnora was waiting for her geog class to start and Sara was gone so I just hung out w/ Elle for a bit. then she went to class and I went and found Sara and her friend Alisha and we talked about random crap. and then on our way to the cafeteria we passed this plant, I suppose that's what it was, that was basically all thorns and then we talked about how it reminded us of Disney movies lol. like the "forest" Prince Phillip has to fight his way through in Sleeping Beauty and the thorn things Simba falls into in Lion King lol. then we ran into Devin Guilianno and a girl named Michelle that they're all friends with (I don't think she likes me much lol) and we sat and talked for like 40ish minutes. then Sara, Alisha, Devin, and I went to our next classes together. we all linked arms, it was pretty funny. so I went to piano and I actually enjoyed it today. it was great! like Lou (our teacher) was doing some pretty WEIRD stuff and this girl Erin just kept laughing and Lou was like "What's so funny?" and she laughed as she replied "You, you're just cute" hahaha. it was great.

after class I went and found Morgan and Heather. then Morgan and I went to find Nick and we talked to him for a bit and then we went back to Heather who said we should've taken her camera with us so we could document the growth of his perv stache lmao. so we went back and I took a couple of pictures. then Morgan, Heather, and I chilled for awhile. then I found Becca and we left.

I got home, watched last night's Gossip Girl while eating my leftover asparagus risotto from Olive Garden, then I watched Wizards of Waverly Place, then my mom came home and I helped her with the groceries, watched last night's SNL Presidential Bash, and then mum and I watched last night's One Tree Hill. after that we mostly watched election news I believe. Starshine came home and I was flipping between election stuff and The Rescuers Down Under. oh how I love old school animated Disney movies :D
then we had dinner: pot roast and potatoes and carrots. my arteries were clogging as I ate lol. but it was yummy.
then I did dishes and got online.

Obama won, not too happy about that. I have my reasons, ask for them if you'd like :) talked to a few people on AIM, including Jess :) hopefully we'll be going on a roadtrip next summer to Seattle when she's out here. I seriously want to move there SO bad. we shall see :)
talked to this guy named Forrest from dA about his journal entry and how Stephen's blogs helped him out :D oh, and he thought Stephen was my brother lmfao. honestly, how freaking COOL would that be??? oh goodness

so all in all, a very good day. I haven't been this happy about my day in God knows how long. I'm very very happy that I'm happy again :D

I'll post something tomorrow on how Stephen Christian and Modesty contributors made me rethink love. :D

California's a fucking lie

you know nothing of true loneliness

you don't know how it feels to sit alone every night

you don't know how it feels to never have been loved

you don't know what it's like to be this close

you know nothing of true loneliness

you don't know the horror of it

you don't know the way it drives you crazy

you know nothing of the insatiable longing

when you know how it truly feels to be lonely

then we'll talk

just something that came to mind

don't give me this "oh, whoa is me, I feel lonely for the moment" crap.

know what it's truly truly like to be lonely, and then I'll show some sympathy.

so tomorrow's election day. I fear Obama's going to win and I have a gut feeling Prop 8 will pass :(

so get ready for change people.

in other news, my birthday is in 6 days :)

and I'm going to see Lydia and Copeland on Saturday, so I'm SUPER stoked for that :D

I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really want to go to Seattle. I've never been but for some reason I just feel like that's where I need to be. oh idk.

a shower in the dark

what a good shower. it was raining so there was very little light coming through the solar tube in my bathroom, but it was a great shower. I was listening to my rain mix which at the time was mostly Lydia songs :)

I see beauty in the darkness

I hear beauty in the silence

Feel the beauty when I'm numb

Smell the beauty of the rain

Taste the beauty of the ordinary

The beauty I know is love

then I spent a good chunk of time with the lights off in the house just in a shirt and knickers. I quite enjoyed it :)

then I read Parker's Political Thoughts Blog which I found quite interesting

I watched Dexter this whole afternoon as well. I love that show a lot a lot. oh, and my friend Jess who lives on the East Coast (she's my anberlin buddy) texted me this while at the anberlin show "Brent remembers u!" and I started freaking out!!!! (I gave Brent/the whole crew 4 things of Twizzlers in SF) then she called me during "A Day Late" and "*Fin" and it was AMAZING. fucking Stephen's voice. my most favorite sound in the whole world :D

I love Jess :)

and now David Cook is going to be on SNL.

a pretty decent day all in all :)

pretty nice day :)

Starshine woke me up at noon and asked if I wanted to go to lunch. of course I did b/c there's nothing to eat in the house. so I got up, got ready, and we went to Chico. we picked Brandon up (Starshine's nephew) and went to the Italian Cottage. pretty good. and Brandon's really entertaining.
then we went to visit my mom at work. that was fun :)
then we went to Barnes and Noble. I stood in the magazine section for a long time looking at random fashion magazines. there was this one called Fashion Art or something and it was AMAZING but $23.90. yeah. so I had to pass. I ended up getting this British mag i-D and Interview. they're both fab.
then we went to Walmart.
then to Raley's where I got my fave deodorant :)
then to Best Buy where I got Copeland's latest "You Are My Sunshine", I love it :)
then we went to drop Brandon off at my aunt Kelly's and Colin and Erin and the kids were there. Colin looked good today ;)
Brandon is letting me borrow season 1 of Dexter and I'm excited :D
so I'm to go watch that now :)

Daylight by Matt And Kim

Parker Young reminds me of the good in the world. I feel almost sheltered living here. there's so much more out there than what there is here. in a small town of 30,000 people where 90% of the population is elderly there's nobody to meet and you get stuck in the same cyclical patterns with the same people.

I want to explore.
I want to try new things.
I want to meet new people.
I want to do something CRAZY and NEVER regret it.
I want to spontaneously take a roadtrip across the country, or at the very least across a few states.

Parker makes me remember that things are quite possible. I was reading his blog tonight [http://www.xanga.com/pensivemidnight] and I seriously forgot about everything else for an hour or so. all I was doing was reading his blog and listening to Copeland. I really forgot about EVERYTHING else. but then when I clicked on my myspace tab I was brought back to reality. and it wasn't a pleasant experience. reading his blog made me feel like I could do anything and be anyone and then when I came back to earth I realized I'm still just me, stuck in this same small town, with the same old people, nothing new or exciting. but the fact that there's hope makes me smile.
and then I looked at his fine art thing [http://parkeryoung.net/fine_art/index.html] on his website and it just made me smile. and cry a little in happiness. everything about him is incredible.

I'm envious of everybody that's away from here. everybody says "I want to get out of here" but they have no intention of ever actually leaving. not the case for me. I want to get out soooo badly, I know this isn't where I'm meant to be. but I'll be the first to admit I'm not ready to leave yet, or anytime in the near future. for one I have no idea where I want to go, although Seattle is always in the back of my mind, and first I need to save up money and crap like that. so hopefully in a few years I'll be gone. at the very least I'm staying on the west coast. I don't think I could stand to be away from it. and on top of all that, I still don't know what I want to do. I mean I know I want to be a photographer, nothing else even works for me, but I don't know where to go to school for it or even if I want to go to school for it. I was looking up schools with photography programs tonight and most everything is digital.

I hate digital photography

I have become so anti-digital. I miss film. film has so much emotion and mood and magic about it that digital will NEVER have. I did find one school that doesn't sound bad at all. Antonelli Institute of Art and Photography in Erdenheim, Pennsylvania. it's a possibility. but I'm afraid that I might lose some of what I am. I don't know, it's just this feeling I have.

I've realized lately that I'm REALLY reserved. I don't share much at all. and in this realization I was taken back to a conversation/lecture w/ my Auntie Lebo years and years ago when she told me that my mom changed a lot for me. she tried her hardest to open up so that I would be open. but I'm quite the opposite. it must be genetic. plus, I hardly know anything about my mom. I know more about my grandma and my dad and even my step-dad than I know about her. and I don't really ask questions either. it goes back to the whole opening up thing. I'm not comfortable asking questions at all. I don't know. I have so many ideas and thoughts and things to say but I keep my mouth shut for fear of rejection. I'm afraid people will be put-off or that they might judge me or think I'm really weird. so I keep my mouth shut. and I also don't write about it b/c I know people will read it and I have the same fears with that. I just hope I find someone with whom I can share anything with. and by "someone" I mean boy. and all the "somebody"s in my 'who I'd like to meet' on myspace mean "a boy". I can't even put that on my myspace for fear of judgement.

that's another thing

fuck myspace

it's stupid and people take it WAY too seriously and it's dumb and lame and really super lame and extremely dumb and I hate it. if my myspace somehow got deleted right now I don't think I would really care. I would just miss all the funny conversations in my comments and messages. but other than that

fuck myspace

I just really want to fall in love with someone that can help me grow as a person

that enjoys the finer things in life

that would rather be dirt poor but in love than filthy rich and in love b/c poor you appreciate things more

that I could share anything and everything with and vice versa

that will stay up all night just to watch the sun rise with me even though he's dead tired

that will bring me chicken noodle soup and be my nurse when I'm sick

that I will want to impress every moment but know I don't have to do anything

that loves anberlin/Stephen Christian as much as I do

that shares a love of photography

that I would gladly give my left arm to be with

that really wants to have kids and have us be the coolest parents in the world

and vice versa for all that's vice versa-able :)

I desperately hope there's a guy out there like that for me, but I sure know he's not here. that much I can assure you. one day we'll fall in love. I know it :)

and it's worth waiting for.

freaky ass dreams

Oct. 16-17, 2008
somebody was in my room suffocating me. and I couldn't move. I wanted so desperately to grab the dirty fork on my bedside table and stab them but I was completely paralyzed. and it felt so real. in my dream I was telling myself it was just a dream. and the only reason I knew it was a dream was b/c my light was on and I knew for a FACT that I had turned it off before I went to sleep. so I curled up and rocked back and forth and kept telling myself it was just a dream but somebody dressed in all black was suffocating me. it was absolutely terrifying.

Oct. 18-19, 2008
I was a part of some Indian tribe or something and they were sacrificing people or something weird. and I was supposed to be their sacrifice. so I had to put my head up against the roots of a giant oak tree and get decapitated. I remember FREAKING OUT when they were about to do it and I stood up and started crying but I had to put my head back down. so I did and then it happened. it wasn't just a quick CHOP and it was over. I felt the cool blade of the sword against the back of my neck and I felt it slowly slice my skin and then dig further down (it gives me the creeps just thinking about it). and then my head was off somewhere to the side of me on the ground and I was looking up at my assassin. I felt EVERYTHING. that's what freaks me out. it freaking creeps the crap out of me.

I looked up their meanings and the definitions don't apply whatsoever. so I have no freakin clue what they were about.

October the Eleventh

this came to mind at 6 this morning

I've been standing in your shadow since we were kids

everybody always liked you more than me

everybody thought you were cooler than me

everybody tried to be your best friend

I never tried because I knew I couldn't win

I accepted the fact that I would never compare to you

I'm used to people telling me how amazing, how funny, how cool, how pretty you are

I always take the back seat

and for the most part, I'm okay with that

I'm accustomed to being second best in every relationship I've ever had

it gets tiresome at times, but I know I can't do anything to change it

I'm helpless, hopeless

I still love you

always have, always will

Oct.11 @
10:30 am: shower
1:00 pm: picked up Ginger and went to the junkyard
4:00 pm: went to my grandparents'
4:45 pm: went to Talia and Eva's and tried to go to the barn, didn't work
5:30 pm: went to the elementary school
6:30 pm: sat in Alexandrea's car to look at the pictures
6:45 pm: dropped Ginger off
7:00 pm: came home and got ready to go to Chico and uploaded some of the pictures
8:45 pm: went down to Chico and to Barnes and Noble
10:00 pm: met up w/ Alexandrea's friend Justin @ In&Out
11:45 pm: went to Justin's place

Oct.12 @
12:00 am: went to some party Becca was at
12:15 am: went to Pita Pit
1:15 am: Ian showed up :)
1:30 am: went back to Alec's house and chilled forever
4:00 am: took Ian to his dorm
4:15 am: went to Safeway to get Nich his damn coffee
5:00 am: went to Nich's (I played with his adorable cat Patrick Stewart)
6:15 am: went back to Justin's place
6:30 am: went out to sleep in the fucking car, thankfully I took a blanket with me8:05 am: Alexandrea woke me up and I thought she was drawing a penis on the window but she was actually writing "OPEN" hahahah
8:35 am: went to Has Beans in Downtown
9:45 am: left Chico
10:05 am: got home and put on some damn socks

WHY??????????

the philosophy of a dying bee

okay, so today while I was on my break with my friend we sat down at a picnic table and she did her microeconmics homework while I read The Orphaned Anythings. at some point a bee flew over and landed on my bag (it happened to be an anberlin bag with a David Cook button on it). it wandered around for awhile and I was like "Hi, Mr. Bee. Do you like my bag?" and he didn't fly away even when I moved my bag. so I was just like "Hmm, okay" and kept reading. about 30 minutes later it was time for us to go to our next classes so I was like "Okay, Mr. Bee, you have to go now, I have to go to class" and I tried to shoo him away but he didn't move so I was like "Mr. Bee! Are you dead??" and he was. his legs were curled up underneath him and I was kind of sad. I was just wondering why he chose my bag of all places to die. it's blue so I was thinking "Maybe it was the color of his favorite flower or maybe it reminded him of the sky." I don't really know. I was trying to find some hidden meaning, but I couldn't really come up with anything.
what do you think? just some strange coincidence?

stay positive

forever :)

I've had a pretty good last few days

it rained yesterday. it. was. incredible.

Elnora came over and we went up on the roof for a while (soaking our pants in the process) and then we drove around looking for a good place to take more pictures.

we ended up at a burnt property on Neal Rd. it was like an art junkyard. it was probably one of the coolest places I'd ever been to in my entire life. there was so much there. if it hadn't been raining I would've stayed there forever :) I wanna go back.

yesterday was beautiful.

I should really learn to stop getting my hopes up

so today is September 30, 2008. aka release day for anberlin's new album New Surrender.
I had planned on going to Chico with Becca after school to pick up the special versions at Walmart and Best Buy, but today was her friend Alec's birthday. which meant that she was going to make dinner for him and I wouldn't have a ride back up. I wasn't too worried b/c I was sure I'd be able to find a ride back up somehow.
unfortunately Ryan wasn't in Chico today, and Elnora couldn't give me a ride up either, my only hope was Starshine, and we would've left the shop after 6. as Becca and I were heading to Chico I realized I didn't have anymore tampons with me and I would need one before 6. so we were going to go back to my house to pick one up, and I hadn't heard back from Starshine, so I decided to just stay home. soon after Becca dropped me off I realized I was stupid. Starshine called like 20 minutes ago to tell me it would've been fine.

I'm like really sad right now. I know it's not that big of a deal b/c I'm going to Chico tomorrow. but it's just that I had been looking forward to this day for MONTHS and I was so excited and happy about it. it's just depressing :(

my dad just called. I feel so guilty. I never call him. I love him. I miss him. I'm such a bad daughter.

such a fab day! :]]]

so today was absolutely MARVELOUS.

we had our 1st quiz today in my geography class and I was actually excited about it. feel free to call me crazy. and once we were done, we got to grade them! it reminded me of 3rd grade, I was sooooooooo stoked!

we argued about how the "H" looked like an "N" and how personal income doesn't have a direct effect on lifespans.

then our professor asked if anybody got a 30 out of 30. no. 29? negative. 28? nope. 27? yes.

"Who's is it?"

"Candace."
"What?! Really?" so yeah, I got the highest score on our first quiz. I was sooooooooooooo excited and happy :D

and then later after our hideously boring math class, Heather and I walked outside to CLOUDS!!!!!!!!! HOORAH! I was soooooooooooo stoked!

then I came home and I watched Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill, found this AWESOME russian-like hat that my grandparents brought over, and when I went outside it was sprinkling for like 5 nanoseconds and I also went on the roof and listened to music and took pictures.

so I'm pretty much in love with this hat. I've been wearing it for like 7 hours now lol.
also, with the clouds and all, it was almost Circa Weather. not quite there just yet, but soon hopefully :]

so yeah, I had a really great day :D

most epic night EVER

so tonight was Thursday Night Market.

basically I was hyper all freaking night. I honestly couldn't tell you how long it'd been since I had been freaking hyper lol.

anyyyyyyyyyyyyway, the most important part of my night: JILL

so I was with Ryan, Jack, Talia, Eva, Ginger, Catherine, and Chris I believe. we were going to Cold Stone when there was this chick (totally reminded me of Dani Campbell)

Ryan ended up knowing her b/c she was a poli-sci major and they were in the same orientation group, so he went up to her and we were introduced and stuff. her name was Jill :)

so I totally fell in love with a lesbian lmfao

I couldn't stop thinking about her all night and at some point she was sitting at a table outside Starbucks so we made some not-so-subtle walkby's. she has a girlfriend though :(

so yeah, and then later Ryan went and told Jill that I pretty much had the hots for her and she said she was flattered lol.

gossssssssssssssssssssh, I'm in love!!!! hahahahahahaaha

then Ryan was taking me home and there's been this old television set sitting on the side of the road about 1/2 mile down from my house and I've been wanting it, so as we passed by I asked if he would help me get it into his car. so we spent like 5 minutes at like 10:30 at night trying to get a freaking huge tv set into Ryan's car. it didn't fit well but we got it home. so it's now in my room by the guest side of my bed. it needed a name so Ryan aptly named it "Jill" :D

it's pretty much the most beautiful thing I own; apart from my cameras of course :)

"This is the most magnificent [television] set I've ever seen"

-Juno as quoted by me and Ryan

Staggering Studio :D

I am so ridiculously happy right now! :D

so the other day Zarina from Staggering Studio posted a bulletin with a link to an application for the studio. I decided I'd apply. so I answered all the questions and sent along some photos. she replied with this

at this point I was really stoked. also, it got me motivated in a sense to go start shooting again. :)

then when I got home from a family thing tonight I got on the space and read the Studio's latest bulletin entitled "I don't normally do this." when I opened it I was shocked. I literally said "holy shit" lol.

and I did not mind that she accidentally mispelled my name lol. she thought it was like the anberlin song "Cadence" hahaha.

then a few minutes later I went to the page and checked the albums. I was on the second page and it made me happy. then I went back a few minutes later and I this is what I found:

aka, on the first page, and the first photographer

I told my parents and they were happy for me :)

I'm like super friggin happy right now. yay! :D

failure

so I woke up this morning to my mother yelling at me to get up. it was only 9 and I was like "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????????"
I was super pissed. then she said she was leaving so I started freaking out b/c I need to go down to Butte today to get my books and I have no way of getting there. my mom said I should've come straight home yesterday and told her I needed to get my books b/c we could've gone down yesterday. how was I supposed to know?? I can't seem to do a single damn thing right in her eyes.

it's been a very good week :D

ever since I posted the 'dysthymia' blog I've been feeling better. it's weird.
but seriously, I've been feeling wayyyyyyyyyy happier :D
like I usually get really depressed after something really good happens, and lots of good things have happened this week, but I've been totally fine :)

annnnnnd, Nich and I are friends. I texted him yesterday after we went to Phu and we're cool now. so that makes me happy :)

school starts for me Tuesday, and I'm still not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not. but I have geography w/ Jordon Spencer and math w/ Heather, so I'm extremely happy about that. :)

drunk: time #2

yes, I realize I'm a hypocrite, and I do feel bad about it. but it happened. I can't take it back.

Friday night I went to a decades party in Chico with Becca, her bf Danny, his friends and roomates and such. we left Carmen's (the girl who had the party) at some point to go back to Danny's and I had to pee sooooooooo bad, so I ran into the house yelling "I gotta pee!!!" and there were like a bazillion people in there. I hadn't realized how many people had gone back to Danny's. so then I went back to the front porch and collapsed on the couch where I was explaining to Danny's friend why I was so tired. then there was a guy standing by the door mocking me, and it took me like 30 seconds to realize it was Nich. I had had a GUT feeling that he would be there. it was so weird.
so I texted him this:

Me 12:06am: I hate you
Nich 12:07am: Wow. Give me a good reason why.
Me 12:09am: Bc you make me sad. Like honestly, you depress the hell out of me. You make me feel like shit.

a few minutes after that I was sitting on the front steps with Becca and I was telling her how much I hated Nich and she started laughing. I was like "Why are you laughing? Is he right behind me or something?" so I turned around, and there was Nich, looking at me like he was offended. it was funny.
then I guess I went inside and texted him this:

Me 12:19am: I hate you more than life, and thats saying a lot since im 'emo'
Nich 12:20am: so you're not taking dance with me
Me 12:21am: I am not. I looked today and it was full. Do you totally hate me too?
Nich 12:22am: You can hate me all you want, but i dont
Me 12:22am: Then why are you so mean to me?
Nich 12:25am: I'm not mean. You're not sensing my sarcasm
Me 12:26am: Well its overly potent and i take it personally. If you were genuine at some point itd be okay

(f0r having been drunk I texted pretty darn well)

then he said "Candace, are you not going to talk to me?" or something like that, so I started talking to him from across the room, but it was difficult to hear him, so I went over and sat next to him. we talked about random crap, like him getting fired from Woodstock's b/c he got 12 writeups in a year, how he now works at a retirement home and so I asked which one b/c my mom cooks at Oakmont (thankfully he doesn't work with her lol), how he thought Alexandrea looked like she would be a bitch (Which cousin? The one from prom? No. Fuck! You think she's hot don't you?! I bet you get that a lot don't you?), and then he was being mean so I was like "Whatever, I'm leaving" and I just walked away.

Me 12:35am: Im sorry
Nich 12:36am: For what

I think I then met his friend Carlos (we shook left hands and I was like "I love how we're shaking with the wrong hand, so then we shook right hands) and then I guess I sent this:

Me 12:48am: Youre so mean.

I think as I was going to the kitchen for water I passed Carlos and told him he was cuter than Nich lol.

Me 1:06am: Youre mean
Me 1:09am: Im so sorry

then I think Nich and Eddie and Carlos left.

Me 1:16am: Im like super sorry. From the bottom of my heart. Honestly.

but then they came back b/c they forgot something I guess. so Eddie and Nich sat next to me on the couch. Eddie was talking about Kaitlyn (his gf and my friend) and how he goes to party and hits on either hot girls or Kaitlyn's friends, then he was said "I'm just kidding. But really, I do." it was funny. then I started talking to Nich I guess and Eddie said that Nich had an almost girlfriend and I was like "I could respect that," but then Eddie was like "Well, more like a booty call," so I replied, "I don't respect that." then I guess Nich was sitting next to me and I told him that I had unicorns on my underwear (LMFAO!!!) and he was pretending like he was looking up my dress, and I kept slapping his hand lol. then I guess he gave me an awkward sitdown hug and they left.

Me 1:36am: I hate you

at some point MGMT's "Electric Feel" came on. I had seen the video earlier that day and I had been like WTF?!? but at the party it totally fit and I found it to be a great song lol.

Me 1:51am: I apologize profusely

I find it funny how contradictive I was. "I'm sorry. I hate you! I'm so sorry. I hate you!!!" hahahaha.

and Nich told me that I had texted/told him I hated him over 10 times lol.

I even wrote "Candace HATES Nich!" on Danny's whiteboard by the kitchen lmao.

I went to bed at some point after that and when I woke up in the morning my leggings weren't on lol. I'm pretty positive I took them off when I went to the bathroom one time lol. and I was still anal about washing my hands. I went to the bathroom w/ Becca a couple times and both times I yelled at her to wash her hands lol.

anberlin's leaked album

I got home tonight after a full day of shopping in Sactown/Roseville and read a comment from my anberlin friend who lives on the east coast saying "did you hear the news about the leak?"
so I immediately looked at all the bulletins from the day seeing if I could find something.
Anberlin Road Trips had posted a blog about it saying they weren't going to download it and how the guys needed their hard work to be respected and stuff.
then I read a bulletin from another anberlin buddy saying she downloaded it and said it was the most amazing thing she'd heard and whatnot.
blah blah blah. then I went on their page and read people's comments saying "New Surrender is great! I downloaded it" and crap like that.
I got kind of upset and started crying and then commented anberlin saying this:

I'm crying right now since I heard about the leak.

all the comments and bulletins and crap I've

read have said it's amazing and all that jazz.

and I really want to listen to it, but at the same time,

I don't think I could bring myself to do it.

you put a lot of time and effort into making it and

I don't want to take away the magic and splendor

of ripping off that annoying plastic wrapper, listening

to the sound of the cd reluctantly coming out of its case,

sliding it into my cd player, and turning my stereo up to

-13 dBs to listen to it for the very first time on September 30th.

I want that moment to be absolutely breathtaking.

and if I listened to it now, it would take that all away

and that's not worth it to me.

I hope you "catch" whoever leaked it or whatever. or

maybe you did this on purpose to see how people would respond.

oh crap, here I go on another conspiracy theory lol.

I love you all and I will wait until the last day of

September to listen to the album in full :)

I love them more than life itself, I really truly do, and I don't want to take the magic away.

I'm glad to hear people like it, but simultaneously I'm kind of ashamed to hear they did that. not cool guys. not cool.

dysthymia

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/chronic-depression-dysthymia

I'm pretty darn positive I have it.
it's been almost 2 years. the end of November will mark 2 years actually.

I want to ask my mom to take me to a doctor, but I don't know how to go about doing that.
any suggestions?

just for Caitlin lol

so I'm trying to sign up for a couple more classes finally, right? so I go to log in AND IT WON'T FREAKING LET ME!!! I've tried both computers and neither will work. I'm freaking pissed!!!
I don't know what I'm gonna do now :/

anyway, I don't really know what to write about right now.
I went to Cabo last week. it was alright. I think some of the splendor's worn off b/c I've been there so many times. either that or it's that I really don't like the people I go with. probably the latter lol. nothing too exciting happened except that Kaylin and I played some drinking games at a beach restaurant called Billygan's Island. that was really fun actually. and then we won free tickets for a booze cruise for the following day. we went on that (I had a little too much to drink) and then Dad, Annette, Kaylin, and I went to the Giggling Marlin (bar) and I had even more to drink there. it was pretty fun. I wasn't completely drunk, but I was definitely quite intoxicated.
then the next day I was a complete bitch lol. everybody kept trying to get me to drink so I'd lighten up a bit but I wanted absolutely nothing to do with alcohol.
and I really don't anymore at all. at least not until I'm older.
I don't really see the point. you act like an idiot, occassionally do really idiotic stuff you'd never ever do sober, plus, I don't want to be like my dad. he disappoints me sometimes.
so this is me saying I'm staying sober for awhile :)

on top of all of that, there is no way in hell that I'm drinking when I have kids. I want to be there for my kids, like actually THERE, and I'd feel guilty if I did.

dinosaur hill

today was fun. Katy and I went to see The Dark Knight. then we got Chipotle (4th time I've had it in the past month and 3rd time in the past 2 weeks). then we went up to a place called Dinosaur Hill that overlooks Concord and Pleasant Hill and all that jazz. it was pretty neat and I think I recall watching fireworks there as a kid a couple of times possibly. then we went to Borders and hung out there for awhile. I love the smell of bookstores so very much :D

I was just looking through pictures on dA and stuff and seriously, why are people so pretty?? it's not fair. and then I looked at Lydia's pictures and the girl (Mindy) is absolutely gorgeous. it's just not fair lol. :/

I need The Classic Crime's new cd desperately

I actually had a pretty gosh darn good evening.

after I watched Reality Bites Back I was quite happy. that show is so ridiculously hilarious it's unbelievable ;)

I decided to take some pictures because I was rather bored and the thing to my left is something I like to call "Product Placement" lol.

and I downloaded The Classic Crime's "Abracadavers" and I've listened to it close to 40 times tonight I believe. :)

and now I'm off to watch my anberlin Cities DVD and eat raspberries. yay! :D

what I wouldn't give...

to be on an airplane

to be at the ocean

for rain

to be genuinely happy

today was a very interesting day for me emotionally.
my mom woke me up way too early for my liking (11am) to tell me I had an orthodontist appointment at 2. great.
so we picked up Melissa, went to Chico, had lunch, blah blah blah.
went to the ortho where I was informed that I still 8-9 months left in these damned contraptions. so basically by the time I get my braces off I will have had them for 4 years.
fuck me.

oh, and when Dr. McCarthy looked at my file she was like "Oh yes, you're the challenge case" and I was like WTF?!?!?!

then we went to Joann's Fabrics and I was DEAD tired and pissed off. my mom was annoying me and I almost starting crying. then we came home, watched some tv and then Deadliest Catch came on.
at the very end it said that one of the ships sank and the entire crew went into the water, but only 5 were lost. it was dinnertime and it took all I had in me not to start crying right then and there.
then after dinner I went to the bathroom because I was about to start crying, and I did a little bit, then I asked my mom if there was any way to get out of doing dishes tonight and there wasn't. so I came back in the house and started crying again.
I cried because of the dishes. who freaking does that?! well it wasn't because of the actual dishes of course, but still. it took me probably 40 minutes to do 15 minutes worth of dishes tonight.

yeah, I don't know. but Caitlin's amazing to say the very least. she seems to care a lot and that really means the world :D

oh, and...

the past few days I've seriously been thinking about it................

crazy dreams last night

Olivia, Jack, Talia, and I were staying in a hotel the night before Warped Tour I think. it was the morning of and I went down to the lobby to get something and I had my copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire with me and something else as well, it might've been The Orphaned Anythings.
when I was walking down the stairs I saw Stephen Christian and screamed and ran over to him and gave him a hug I think. I talked to him for a little bit and for some reason he thought I had brought the Harry Potter book for him and I gave it to him even though I had some stuff I needed stuck in it.
then all the other anberlin guys showed up and I hugged them all as well. I remember Deon was really really short and it kind of made me laugh. I think I talked to them for a little bit about Warped or something and then they had to leave. and I remember that I wished Olivia had been there with her camera.

later I dreamed about a 3rd Narnia movie and I was like in it or something. Peter was in love with this girl (it might've been me, I really don't know) but he had to die to save something or somebody. so he died and then he came back in spirit and told the girl she needed to let him go. and apparently he never truly loved her, it was all a lie. and the twist in the end was that the damsel in distress was really the witch and she tricked everybody and she was also the evil king. everybody was floored and confused and then a battle or something broke out. it was quite odd.

there's more to life than drinking Pt. 2

the past three days: emotional fucking rollercoaster, mostly with A LOT of drops and loops and not a lot of ups

k, so Friday night Becca, Maricela, and I went to Becca's bf Danny's house in Chico to party. we got there around 8 or so, and Danny's friends who could actually buy the alcohol didn't show up until like 9 I think. during the time of waiting we had some pretty great laughs. Danny's roomate David thought Maricela's name was "Martha" so I call her that now lol.

Me: Maricela, why are you so dirty?

Cela: Because I'm Mexican

so effing funny!!!

so then Danny's friends went out and bought beer, Jose Cuervo, and coconut rum. Becca, "Martha", and I started off with 'margaritas' that Becca made (she just poured some Jose Cuervo and margarita mix together and it tasted like freaking pickles). sick nasty to say the least. so then we put it all in the blender with some ice and it was better, but not much. then we did a few shots of Jose and rum. we watched the boys play a few rounds of beer pong which was entertaining and we hung out for awhile just chillin. oh, Martha and I made a rap video and sent it to Raven lmfao.

Wanna Cook some in the oven

Make a baby with some lovin'

we were talking about David Cook of course lol.

then Martha and I went out to fix our makeup and when we came back in Becca was already drunk b/c she had a done a few more shots while we were gone. then we played Flip Cup which was super freakin fun, but I still hate beer. so I think we played 3 rounds of that and our team got beat bad. but I think it was b/c we had 3 girls on our team that never drink beer and the other team had 3 guys who always drink beer, so it was unfair lol.

then we went out and hung out on the porch. btw, after the beer I was pretty much GONE. I remember trying to explain to everybody how beer reminded me of skunk.

k, so you know when you smell a skunk and you get that taste in your mouth? well, that's what beer tastes like

unfortunately or not, nobody agreed with me lol.

Elle called me at 11 b/c she was nearby and couldn't find the house or something so I gave the phone to Danny to tell her where to go. when she pulled up I ran out to her car and tackled her in the street hahahaha. then when I brought her up to the porch I was like "Everybody, this is Elnora, she's my best friend," and then I took her inside. I was like "Do some shots of this, then drink some beer and then you can have the rum." so she did a shot of Jose, and I think I did 1 or 2 myself, then I was like "Drink this" and held out a beer but she didn't want it and I was like "It'll get you gone, just drink it," but she didn't so I drank it for her instead. then I think we did some shots of rum but I'm not sure. I don't really remember much after that. but I remember I started crying saying "I don't want to be like my dad" and Elnora just kept saying "You're not your dad. You're not your dad." oh, and I also was crying saying "I hate that I like it! I hate that I like it!" and I remember I was hugging EVERYBODY. it was kind of funny. and at some point I was falling over by the fridge but Andrew held me up and did the weird karate bow thing and told me to do it and take a deep breath and was like "You feel better don't you?" and I was like "I do!!!" hahahaha.

then I think the last thing I remember was falling down a lot and falling down by the fridge.

next thing I knew I woke up in a bathtub at like 5:30 in the morning still COMPLETELY drunk. but it wasn't the same bathroom that I had used the night before so I was WAY confused. I looked down and saw I had scraped my ankle and I was like "WTF happened?" and then I felt I had a bandaid on my forehead and I was like "Seriously, WTF happened dude?" and then I started texting Elnora and Martha. (look at my last blog for texting convos.) Martha came into the bathroom and I don't even know what we talked about but I know we both had to pee so she went to the other bathroom and I stayed in that one. but there was no toilet paper so I had to wait until Martha got back so I could go get some toilet paper. then we both went out on the porch to hang w/ Elle and Nathan. at some point Elnora told me to roll around on the grass, so I did hahaha. we were hanging out with them when Martha and I got thirsty so we went in the kitchen to get some water. I went to refill my cup a couple of times, and both times I did, I took a swig of rum. smart? not so much. then Martha really wanted some apple juice so we walked to the nearest gas station and got some apple juice and I got a Perrier lol. when we got back Nathan asked what we got and I told him "Apple juice and water" and he was like "Why did you buy water?" and I was like "It's sparkling water" lmao.

then I was lying on the porch thinking about suicide and I almost divulged my darkest secret I think, I think I might've actually told them, but idk. so we were talking about suicide and Martha was like "Candace, don't ever kill yourself, you're too cool," and my reply was "Okay :)" ahahhaa. then Martha went inside to lie on the couch thing and I was lying on the floor and she said something so I whipped my head up and smacked the back of my head on the wood part of the couch. it hurt really bad. then when Nathan came in I went outside and collapsed on top of Elnora lol. then when Nathan came back out he was like "I hate to take your blanket away, but I'm leaving. It was nice meeting you guys." so he left and Elnora went to the bathroom, and she left soon after that and I just stayed on the couch outside. I'm not entirely sure if I went to sleep or not, but Andrew came out and asked how I was feeling and I was like "Tired. And cold," and he was like "You're cold?"

"Mhmm"

"Okay, hold on," and he went inside and got me a blanket. he was amazing. apparently he was the one that put the pillow in the bathtub for me lol.

later on when we were all up I asked what happened and apparently I threw up EVERYWHERE and I hit my head on the fridge and I was bleeding EVERYWHERE too. I think they Elnora was the only one that saw me hit my head and she went to get Danny. he told me when he saw me my face was just COVERED in blood and I was lying in my own puke and it was just BAD. he said he almost called 911 b/c I wouldn't stop bleeding. thankfully he didn't. and apparently everybody was taking pictures and crap lol. and 4 guys ended up carrying me into the bathtub around 1 or so I think they said. and Elnora said that at one point I went to the bathroom and I was still anal about washing my hands lmao. I don't remember that AT ALL. The last things I remember were me against the fridge and Nathan's friend was like "Are you okay?" and I was like "Yeahhh, I'm fiiiine" (ha!) and me saying 'fuck' a lot and Elnora was like "Well, there's one thing on your mind" and I was like "I don'wanna'ave sex" lmfao! wow, go me.

I think that's about it. oh, at some point the cops came and Martha ran inside lmfao. I was already in the bathtub at that point lol. oh, and I remember at some point I was trying to go outside and Elnora was smoking but she didn't want me to see her or something.

apparently she smoked A LOT and that reallllllllllly pissed me off to no end. :/

so, that was the first time I've ever been drunk. and I wasn't completely sober by the time I went to bed last night at like 2 or 3. and I woke up still kind of out of it. yeah. oh, and everybody's minds were boggled because I didn't have a headache the next day. not at all. Danny was like "If not from the alcohol, I would think you would have one from hitting your head." but I didn't, at all.