eh

today was whatever. I took a 3 hour nap and missed American Idol which was sad, but I watched LOST.

dentist.

I've seen more cute guys at Butte in the past 3 days than I saw the whole of last semester. it's quite lovely.

oh crap, I start jazz dance tomorrow, as in the actual dancing part. I have to take clothes with me but I still don't know what I'm gonna wear. grr.

january the 26th at 12:23 am

I SAW JAMES TODAY. HE GOES TO BUTTE. BUT REALLY, SO RANDOM, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE HIM AGAIN. SO NOW MY QUESTION IS THIS:

WHY?

------------------------------------------------------------

i want to understand his reasoning. that's all i want.

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january

slowly

turning

into

february

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SOCAL ROADTRIP IS OFF. ALEXANDREA DOESN'T HAVE THE $.

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i feel like crying. like bawling my eyes out. i haven't cried in far too long, mostly because everytime i've wanted to people are around, and i don't cry in front of people if i can help it. i don't get it, i've prayed and prayed, for years and years, for something more, for love. i'm still constantly second best, i still don't mean anything to anyone.

first day back, and it was a strange one

first off, I'M EXHAUSTED. I'm going to sleep all the way through Saturday until Sunday.

so today was the first day of my second semester at Butte, and it was alright. I like my geography teacher, he seems really cool. towards the end of class he had us draw a map of the world and he told us to be as detailed as possible (disclaimer: he told us that during our final we could fix our maps for more points if we didn't do so well today). so we had probably 35-40 minutes left of class when he gave us the paper. I got my pencil out and started out with the US but drew it too big so I had to erase it and start over. so I drew the world and it wasn't great, but it definitely wasn't bad either. everybody left about 5-10 minutes after we started but I stayed almost the entire rest of the time drawing, erasing, labeling, realizing things weren't right, erasing again, redrawing, relabeling. so I handed it to him and he looked at it and said "Well you're definitely done with this," meaning that I wouldn't have to edit it at the end of the semester. yay!

then I went outside, met up with Elnora, and we went to our music class (American Popular Music). luckily we found seats together. we did roll and then we talked a little bit about what music was and then we played music trivial pursuit; we listened to 3 songs each from the '50s, '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s, and today and we had to identify the name of the song/the artist. most of the songs I had no idea what they were, but others were easy. and it was extra credit, so that was nice. got done with that and met up with Heather outside the library. went to the cafeteria because I was hungry and after I ate my pizza we went to find my life management classroom in the AHPS building. then I walked Heather to her painting class and hung out in the library for a little bit. walked over to life management, blah blah blah, class time, teacher reminds me of Mrs. Marsters a little bit (YEAH BABY!!!) and blah blah blah. it seems like it should be a fun class though.

after that class I met back up with Heather and she was really hungry so we went to get her some food. so we were standing by the chicken strip part of the cafe and this guy walks by and I look at him and he says "What's up?" and all I managed to say was "Heyyy" in an awkward tone. it was James. 1) never thought I'd see him again in a normal environment and 2) I didn't know he was going to school. I couldn't get over how weird it was to see him. it was SO WEIRD!!! so weird. then Heather and I went and sat outside the library at one of the freezing cold cement picnic tables. maybe 10-15 minutes later James comes walking towards the library toward the old entrance doors (the swapped sides for some MYSTERIOUS reason, I do not understand, everybody looked like an idiot trying to open the doors with no handles) and I said to him "Wrong door," and he continued walking towards us and gave me a low five and a pound. I don't even know, it was just SO weird! then we talked about school for a minute or something, I don't really remember, something about general ed and it being better than high school. blah blah blah. then he left and went into the library. I DON'T EVEN KNOW! it was just so strange seeing him! and particulary TWICE! but it wasn't awkward, not at all, it was just weird to see him is all.

then tonight when I checked my messages on the 'space, Parker replied to a message I sent AGES ago wondering why it wouldn't let me add him (he had the 'last name or email required to add' thing and "Young" wasn't working) so I told him I had tried a few times, but it still didn't work. (I then had dinner, etc.) got back on, and he sent me a friend request and it said the full name was 'Parker Young Photography', so that explained why "Young" didn't work as his last name. I still feel so strange for having such a huge crush on him. it's just weird, but he's amazing. and I LOVE his taste in music. he posted this Nelly Furtado song on his blog and I don't really care for her much, but I really like the song (All Good Things (Come To An End)).

and tomorrow I get my braces off for a week. Heather's taking me and she's going to document it all. and then Wednesday I go to the dentist. I'm really excited for the next two days. I just hope I look decent without them. :)

I get emotional when I'm tired

I want to write about how I felt when I walked into my house last Monday, but not now, I don't have the right words yet.

other than that, tonight I had the "I would trade it all for love" feeling again.
however badly I just want to give up on Love I can't.
Love is just so much more than I can even fathom right now.
I would give all I am, all I have, to love somebody, to be loved by somebody.
(I'm sure this seems selfish, but I don't mean it to be.)
I'll keep waiting and waiting, sitting, staring out the window, waiting for Love to walk in the door, and until then, I'll try to love others the best I can; to be a friend; to be understanding; to be a better person. and hopefully when Love comes knocking, I'll be ready.

I CAN'T HANDLE THE CUTENESS!!!!

freaking East Coast Ryan just texted me and he was like :

"me and my friends are

all in the car being like

LOOK AT OLD GREGS

MANGINA ahaha and

were all like do you love

[me]? could you learn to

love me? it made me think

of u :)"

HOW CUTE IS HE?????
HE'S ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!
I really can't handle it, he is the cutest kid in the entire world, I swear, ADORABLE.

crush crush crush

I haven't written here in QUITE some time

this happened the other day (copied from a bulletin on the space)

"I love Parker. I love him I love him I love him."

I have tears in my eyes :)

I feel like a little school girl. I love him so much.

I feel like DANCING!

hahahaha

this is so silly :D

I'm soooo weird hahahahahaha

I love him.

I do I do I do.

the blog

and he also replied to a comment I left today and I got all smiley and happy again

I get more excited for him now than I do anberlin hahaha

this happened the other day, and I in all honesty, I wasn't as giddy as I usually would be about it, but I mean it's still effin SICK :D

but yeah, Parker is wonderful. it's so weird because it's kind of like a celebrity crush, but it TOTALLY isn't, like I feel like he's more "real" than celebrities. well he is in a way b/c he's not "famous" famous. he's known but he's not like Julia Roberts or Russel Crowe or anything. I don't know it's weird, I almost feel awkward for liking him so much because I feel like I could possibly know him in the future. I don't know. it's weird. but I admire him as a person and as an artist, he's amazing, he really really is.

oh random rambling-ons

I almost want to go alone. just wander around by myself, going where I want, doing what I want, just alone.

I wanna go to the beach most of all. sit in the sand, stare at the waves, think about my life. or lack thereof.

I just want my life to have some meaning, any meaning whatsoever. anything at all.

I'm just having a moment right now.

one of those moments where you just want something to be real, somebody to want to be with you but simultaneously you just want to be alone.

in the past couple days I've found myself missing high school, something I never thought would happen. I just miss the simplicity of it, the daily routines, the normalcy. but at the same time I'm so very glad it's gone.

I really really really just want to get away, go some place where nobody knows me, not at all. reinvent who I am, although I don't really know who I am as it is. I want to meet new people with a clean slate. I want so much but don't know how the heck to get where I want to be.

also, I really want to believe in love, but I don't know if I can anymore. it only ever seems to end in heartache. and if I don't, that way I can't get hurt.

I need to find out what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life. like, I don't know. I don't really have my parents' support on a lot of things, they want me to finish college and basically get a desk job. NOT what I want. but I don't know what I do want. I just don't see the point of college right now, I might later, but currently, whatever.

I need a best friend. like a best best best BEST friend. like I have really good friends that are my best friends, but I mean a best friend that's always around and stuff. I don't really think that's possible in Paradise anymore. all my friends either already have best friends or other stuff.

next month I will have lived in Paradise for six years. :/

truth be told, I don't really miss my parents much at all. I've talked to my mom once for like 15 minutes and a second time for like 10 seconds. and I honestly don't really care. so I don't think I'd have a problem of feeling homesick if I moved far away or anything. which I would love to do.

I've decided I want to visit every state.

I'm honestly so incredibly over sexual jokes and crap. SO OVER IT. just grow up people.

I've been swearing so much lately, I really want/need to stop.

oh, and I hate how when people say you like someone but you really don't but they keep saying it and then you start to believe it yourself but then you realize you don't actually like the person. that's really annoying. don't let other people tell you how you feel, decide for yourself.

I don't really know. I'm just really tired and just want someone here I can talk to I think.

I really do miss sleeping in my own bed though, I think that's what I miss most about home.

and I have no clue when I'm going back b/c my parents are gone this weekend. I don't know.

I don't know.

Deleting San Francisco

green=Candace
blue=Ryan

yesterday Ryan, Alexandrea, her boyfriend Alex, and I went to the city <3

we took BART in and got off at the Embarcadero station. then we walked through the street vendors to the fountain where they were taking down the Kristy Yamuguchi ice rink. we took a few pictures here and there and then crossed the street to the other side of the Embarcadero. we stopped and took pictures along the way, blah blah blah. we walked all they way down the piers, I took pictures of my door, and then when we were passing Pier 39 and there was Scuba Steve trying to get us to take a picture with him.

then we walked to the wharf, got some good old, authentic San Franciscan (totally kidding) In & Out and walked down to the little beach past Hyde to eat.

And then. (This is Ryan typing right now, just because this story is much better told from the third person.) Candace fell in love with a "one-legged guy" at the beach. And by "one-legged guy", I mean one-legged seagull. And by 'one-legged seagull', I mean, this one seagull in the middle of a swarm of about 50 of them. So most of our time at the beach was spent watching Candace, surrounded by a ravenous flock of seagulls (And I ran... I ran so far away... ok just kidding), hurling In-n-Out fries all over the place, with the hopes of her beloved 'one-legged guy' actually getting one, which I don't think ever even happened. I think she was kind of oblivious as to just the hilarity of the scene she was creating on the beach. There was a guy next to us who looked pretty confused about what was going on. Even his four year old son looked pretty bewildered. Candace The Seagull Whisperer Parker was quite a sight; spinning around wildly, seagulls swooping in from all directions amidst shrieks of "Oh! One-legged guy!" She even outdid this crazy old lady next to us, who was quietly doing yoga poses before spontaneously ripping off her clothes, revealing a swimsuit that should have been illegal on someone her age, running to the bay, getting a cupful of seawater and bringing it back to put in her purse. Weird. And yet, Candace was somehow more entertaining. Anyways.

So then we started walking up through North Beach, which is deceptively named seeing as how there is no beach (yeah I didn't know that until very recently). But anyways. It's like the Italian neighborhood, and its pretty wonderful. We passed this little comedy club on Columbus, and Alexander caught, out of the corner of his eye, that this comedian that we all love from YouTube (Show me your genitals; your gen-e-ta-li-a!!!!) was going to have a performance there. So here's one of his videos. Its pretty much a great satire on hip-hop.

(The sequel, E = MC Vagina, is even better.)

So anyways, yeah, we walked through North Beach and made our way past Washington Sqaure (of "And I....... will always fuck you!!!!!" fame) and up to Telegraph Hill; where we wanted to watch the sun go down. Oh, I took so many amazing pictures on the way. Rrrrg, that's a story for later. But anyways, yeah, so we got up there to the foot of Coit Tower, which was such a beautiful place to see everything, and Candace pretty much single-handedly cleared out the entire area for us. Yeah, so apparentely she was quoting this video that her and Alex knew about, but it completely sounded like she was making fun of Asian people, cause she was all doing this Engrish voice, really really loudly. And everyone there. Was Asian. So they all left. It was pretty much a solemn stream of asian moms and dads and kids away from where we were before Candace realized what it sounded like she was doing.

(Candace typing again) First of all, I was NOT making fun of Asian people!!! then we decided to walk down to Sansome to go the mall. so we took the stairs down and walked for awhile. so many good pictures were taken it's ridiculous. so when we got to California I asked Ryan if he would walk to the top of the hill with me so I could take a similar picture to this

it was dark though so we'll see. as we were walking up California I saw a traffic cone so I yelled at Ryan to stop and take a picture of me with it. I straddled it and the picture was hilarious. so we walked up to Mason and crossed the street a few times so I could stand in the middle and take pictures (I only had film left in my Pop 9 and Supersampler at this point, so hopefully some came out). but let me just say, it was absolutely the most beautiful view in the world. the city lights and the cars and the people and everything was wonderful. especially because I had anberlin playing in my ears.

(on a side note, I was pretty much listening to Lydia and anberlin ALL day and let me just say, it made San Francisco even better.)

then Ryan and I walked down to Powell and walked down to Union Square to the mall. we met up with Alex and Alex and went to Hot Topic. they had really cool records there so I bought a few for the covers. I looked for anberlin's Cities and I asked the guy and he said it would be under "A" if they did have it but then he added "Well sometimes we like to put them under "X", just to mess with you." then I bought my stuff from this really cool chick that had shaved her head and had A LOT of piercings. she was really nice. then Ryan and I RODE EVERY SINGLE ESCALTOR IN THE NORDSTROMS SECTION OF THE MALL. my dream had been made a reality. hahahahahahaa. then we went to take BART back when I realized I lost my ticket so I had to buy another one. so we got on the train and the CUTEST boys were sitting next to the door. Ryan and I sat down so we were facing them and freakin a, SO CUTE!!!!

(Ryan again:)Okay, so there were two of them. One of them had a beanie, and I called him as my own. He was so freaking cute, and also had the best legs ever. Anyways, so Candace, being the incredibly subtle person she is, proceeds to take pictures of them. I'll let her explain that one to you. Okay nevermind, she can't even do it. So she had Alex and Alex pose as if she was taking pictures of them, except that she wasn't, and you could so tell the camera wasn't pointed at them, it was pointed at those boys. And it was so obvious and they totally saw; the beanie boy bumped the other one on the leg and they bothlooked over at us and were kind of laughing. So then we tried to act all chill for a little while, until Candace again felt the need to forever capture their beauty on her memory card. She forgot to turn the flash off. It was probably the most embarassing moment of her life. Actually, knowing her, I'm sure it wasn't. But anyways, that was that; and those beautiful BART boys live on only in the Wii.

Ah, so, then we got home. We were tired, sore, and little bit moody. But we did have one thing that we needed to do - look at all the wonderful pictures we took. For most of the trip, I was using Candace's digital camera and I took so many great pictures of the Alexes, of the city, of random shenanigans and priceless memories. So we were all looking at the pictures, pretty much thinking, "ah, these are going to be so great when we put them on the computer". I was already in my mind thinking ofwhich ones I wanted to put on myspace and all that (yes, I am that lame). And then.
Somebody had the very bright idea of handing Alexandrea the camera.

We had just started to watch Rent, when Alex murmered: "Guys.... I think I deleted every single picture." I looked over at her and smiled, thinking she was completely joking. But she wasn't. Apparentely, the button for the trash can is right next to the button that switches viewing modes... and Alex had subconciously clicked through about three menus and erased the ENTIRE memory card. Ahhhhhh!!!!

In all seriousness though, it was really no big deal. Alex was so upset about it; she started to cry. I was a little upset for like two minutes but then I realized that everything was just fine. We had a wonderful,beautiful day in the city, and everyone was absolutely fine; nobody got hurt or raped or murdered or mugged or insulted (with the possible exception of the Asian families on Telegraph Hill, Candace) Haha, no, but seriously. I mean, people lose their entire belongings in house fires; all we lost was a memory card. Alexandrea cried so much; there was a fortress of soiled tissues in front of her after about 20 minutes.

so all in all, it was a wonderful day.

RANDOM FUNNY THINGS & QUOTES OF THE DAY:

-ACHOOOOO

-Taj Mahal!

-What's in my butt????

-Candace kissing David Cook (just a poster)

-Ryan having to explain to passersby

-One Girl, One Cup

-You're a mean seagull Herbert!!!!

-Sea Moose

-Bimbo 365

-Jon Lajoie

-(in Engrish) I could do dish all day

-Can I get a cheeseburger with extra trees?

who am I really?

I need to figure out who the hell I am, who I want to be.

"'Finding' out who you are can not happen when you are only being what you think different groups of people will like."

-Camille Young

sometimes I feel like completely different people depending on who I'm around.

what I know so far:

-I like to be quiet, I really honestly do

-I love being serious and having deep conversations

-I am SICK of all the sexual jokes and crap

-I really need to stop swearing

but I haven't really but any of these into effect. most of my friends are loud, make sexual jokes CONSTANTLY, and for some strange reason I feel the need to swear around them haha.

I really want new friends that I don't have to pretend around.

I just want to figure out the fuck I am and do it on purpose.

worst nightmare ever.

(copied and pasted from my message to Ryan)

in my dream I guess we were having this house party or something with friends and I was getting really stressed out and starting to swear and yeah. okay, so then the freaky shit happened. I went outside to take a breather (this was now last february I guess) and I guess there was snow on the ground and then I saw one of our cats (the white fluffy one named Dodi (why you needed to know that, I don't know)) running around outside (she's an indoor cat) while smoking a cigarette. then I saw it. there was this old school hospital bed with a guy tied to it outside our gate so then I went back inside freaking out telling everybody. BUT NOBODY FUCKING BELIEVED ME. he was freaking tied to this bed and was being tortured by one of our new neighbor's or something and I thought he was dead. then it was back in the present and the guy on the gurney was back outside our gate. so I FLIPPED OUTTTTTTT. I told everybody that back in feb I had heard this noise and went outside to see what the hell it was and that's when I first saw the guy on the hospital bed. and I guess I had been up close to him and saw what he looked like. and I guess I couldn't do anything about it. it scared me so bad. so back in the present I was explaining this to everybody and I was like "somebody please call the cops" and I did but nobody answered. so I was just flipping out (and me being the crazy myspace addict I am) I went online and posted a bulletin asking if anyone would come over and sleep with me (and by that I just mean sitting in my room with me all night long until I calmed the fuck down) that night so I would feel a little safer. so I guess our family was starting to leave the party and still NONE OF THEM COULD SEE THE GUY ON THE HOSPITAL BED. the only people that could see him were me and my mom and step-dad. but they didn't really see it as a threat. at all. so I was like WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKK?? and I wanted to help the guy but I didn't know how. like it made me SICK what was happening but there was nothing I could do. then the next day I guess all of a sudden these guys came w/ a wheel chair and moved the hospital bed I guess, but they didn't take it away, it was still in front of our gate. I guess the neighbor guy was "leaving us a present" or some shit. I thought he had taken the guy back, but turned out he had just removed the mattress and left the guy there naked against the metal bars. he was all collapsed and unmoving. and I asked my parents if we could call the garbage truck or something to have it taken away but they said "Oh, we don't want to be rude and think we don't want it," and of course I was like WWHHAATT TTHHEE FFUUCCKK?????????????
what upset me the most was the fact that no one fucking believed me and I couldn't do anything to help this guy and that my neighbor was like mentally torturing me. IT
WAS
AWFULLLLLLLL

then Alexandrea texted me and I woke up.
thankfully.
so yeah, long dream.
scary as fuck.
like I started explaining it to my dad and almost started crying.

february.

I hope this one won't end up being like the last two :/

kind of the cutest kid I know

rryy rryy (8:05:12 PM): haha ur the bestt
rryy rryy (8:05:20 PM): i wish u lived oh how do i say this?
rryy rryy (8:05:27 PM): not across the frikin countryy