I've been neglecting my journal for months and I haven't written here since March. no bueno. I miss documenting my life to be quite honest. I forget so easily these days.
my relationship with Beau has never been stable. it's up, it's down, it's up, it's down, it's up again, it's down again. it's rarely ever just one or the other for more than a few days at a time. don't get me wrong, I love him so incredibly much, but I have been unsure lately if we are truly meant to be. a lot of people don't care for him and he's nothing I ever thought I would want. I'm starting to wonder if I am just a "seasoner" as he would call it; someone that comes into your life for awhile and then leaves. don't take this as prideful, but I saved his life. when we first started dating he was addicted to pills, smoked, chewed tobacco, and didn't have a job. in the 5 1/2 months that we've been together he has stopped smoking (July), quit pills (August), got a job at Safeway (August), and stopped chewing (October). he has come so far and I know he loves me; I even think he loves me more than I realize and definitely more than I deserve. sometimes I am horrible to him. just little things he does irritate the crap out of me. i.e. leaving the toilet seat up, slamming the door, leaving the toothpaste open on the counter, eating in my bed and getting crumbs in it, spilling soda (you should see how horrible my carpet has become because of him), not cleaning up after himself usually, and making me pretty much do everything for him.
I'll give him credit that lately he has been better about the soda thing, cleaning up after/doing things for himself, and putting the toilet seat down.
he just isn't the romantic sort of person I've always imagined. nothing is romantic about him at all. I like cute stupid things like random post it notes with words of "I love you" and picking daisies, and just the little things. the little things mean the most to me and he just isn't that type of person. we went to Chico the other day to drop off film, and a few times when we got out of the car while doing errands he would come up behind me and tickle me and pick me up, and it was amazing. if he could do that more often I would be so happy.
it's not that I'm unhappy with him, but I'm not happy like I think I should be. we fight constantly, and that's as much my fault as it is his (probably more mine to be honest). I compromised so much of myself and my ideals for him, and too soon. and there's no going back at this point, no matter how badly I want to. our relationship never had a time of slow-going, it was fast from the get-go. sometimes I really wish we had taken the time to really get to know each other without being in a relationship, gone out to coffee or the movies before we started "going steady". we still really haven't been on an actual date. I've never been on a real date. I think that sometimes he just figures that since we're already together he doesn't have to try to woo me or anything anymore.
the other day I kind of broke up with him (like the 15th time or something) and said I wanted to take more time to ourselves and see less of each other. the next day (Friday), he came over and I was nervous. I tried to dress nicely and clean up my room a bit and make things presentable. we ended up watching this silly video of me from a summer camp when I was about 12 or 13 and we had a great time. I just think we need to actually try more for each other and not just act like it's something that is always going to be there, something expected. each day is new and brings a different set of challenges, anything can happen. I want to be in love with him like I should be, and I don't think I am right now.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
explanations.
c 11:31pm
and can I be completely honest with you right now?
and can I be completely honest with you right now?
first i'll explain myself lately
i am the absolute busiest i've ever been in my life, i have work, the band, which takes up almost all of my time because we have only less than a month to finish the recording and i'm exteremely stressed because i do all the dirty work for the band. then i have shcool, my senior project as well, and i have to worry about college
then nick left
that made everything more difficult
what i'm getting at is that i haven't had the time to focus on any other people than my girlfriend, tony, and joe
and i truly mean that
i've lost a lot of friendships because of it
i really regret that
but you know, i'm doing the best that i can
and i don't regret that
c 11:45thank you for explaining, it makes sense now. I just seriously felt like you were ignoring me/didn't give a rat's ass. and I told you, that if you ever need ANYTHING to just let me know. so if I can in any way help you out, just give me a call.
and I'm glad that you're doing the best you can, that's all you can really ask of anyone
to the death :)
haha. I felt kind of like a pirate saying that.
:) I'm honestly probably one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. if you've got my trust/my love/my friendship, you've essentially got it for life
I'm honestly probably one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. if you've got my trust/my love/my friendship, you've essentially got it for life:]
grand
so i'm sorry about all of that candace
:) thank you for explaining, I seriously feel so much better now
thank you for explaining, I seriously feel so much better now yeah, I thought so :P
I know you too well haha
Saturday, February 26, 2011
to John.
2.26.11
I want to go to North Carolina sooooo bad. I don't even know why really, I just do haha. the closest "big city" we have is Sacramento (which I don't even really like) which is about an hour and a half away. SF is 3 hours, but it's not too bad :) my friends and I even made a trip to the city at midnight once. we left my parents a note saying that we ran off to the circus.
in Pittsburg my best friend lived next door and her mom babysat all of us neighborhood kids so I was always running around and stuff with them. then they pretty much all moved away around the same time and I was the only kid left on my street which was quite a bummer. but I lived at the end of a marina so we went swimming alllll the time. it was wonderful. it's pretty much the only thing I miss about living there. and now my dad lives in the house directly across the marina from the one I grew up in, so it's kind of strange, but still really cool. and on top of all of that my grandparents lived right next door to me so I know how the family thing goes. my mom and I actually moved up to Paradise because her biological mom lived up here as well as her half-brother and his family. and then my grandparents that I lived next to as a kid decided to move up here as well. I have a fairly small family on my mom's side haha.
where did you live before you lived there?
that's awesome! I love traveling. yeah, I could go for some warm weather right now too. we had lovely weather for weeks and then it's been snowing recently. last night the roads froze and I had to drive and it was terrifying since I have a Jetta, but it wasn't too bad. just weird because we hardly ever get much snow. does it snow much there?
2.27.11
no you didn't! that's really amazing. I vacationed a lot as a kid; I think my first trip was to Colorado when I was like 6 months old haha. I haven't gone anywhere really exciting in a few years though.
what does your dad do? and which of the places you traveled to has been your favorite?
dude! that's exciting! and if you get the opportunity to go to SF while you're out here, pleeeeeease let me give you a list of all the amazing places you should go :)
I lovvvvvvvvvve the snow, I just don't really have anyone that's willing to go play in it with me haha. we rarely ever have snow stick around for a few days like it has this time, it's kind of nice to see all the white rooftops. and on top of that, snow pretty much means I don't have to go to work so I'm down with that. the weather this year has been so crazy to say the least. I just remember when I was in 10th grade it rained for all but two or three days in March and my English teacher said she was gonna get out her scuba diving gear haha.
on top of all this, would you be down for a simple game of 20(ish) questions?
2.27.11.2
I hear CO's gorgeous too, I've don't think I've been there since I was a baby, so I don't remember it at all. I have a friend that lives out there though and he's shown me pictures and it's beauuuutiful.
hmm. that sounds really weird but really cool. how in the world did he get involved with fire hydrants? that's a pretty off the wall job field I'd say.
I've never even heard of San Marcos but I do love me some rivers haha. I love college towns though. Chico is a wonderful place. we have amazing parks and a beautiful downtown, and Chico State itself is quite pretty. and I just really like the atmosphere. granted I'm not the biggest fan of slutty hoes, but it's generally a pretty fun place.
I've had a small interest in going to Chicago for awhile now. not on the top of my list but I'd definitely go if the opportunity ever presented itself. how many sisters/siblings do you have?
snow's like any type of weather I guess. I love the rain and am thinking about living in Oregon/Washington when I get older but I have friends that live in Oregon that used to love the rain but hate it now, so I don't really know if I'll be one of those people or if I'll always just love it.
I think my favorite thing about the snow is the silence when it falls. it's just so calm. I love it.
k. how old are you/when's your birthday?
2.28.11
haha well that's pretty cool. gotta love it when things just kind of happen. still a random freaking job field hahaha.
awesome! that would be lovely :) yeah, I want to go to New York pretty bad too. I just want to visit all the museums and such. what other major cities have you been too that you would recommend?
you've got a big family. well compared to mine it is haha. were you glad to have grown up with siblings? I'm trying to figure out if it was better to have grown up an only child (which I did) or not.
same! for some strange reason I've felt in the past 4-5 years that I belong in Seattle. maybe not permanently, but for awhile at least. I just don't think I will ever be able to leave the west coast, I love it here. and I love the ocean too much to ever live in the middle of the country.
you have the same birthday as my step-dad's best friend, who is appropriately named June haha.
kk, your turn for une question :)
3.1.11
yeah, my mom went to Arizona during the winter one year for some horseback riding trip and she said it was incredible. and I have friends who live down there, so at some point Phoenix is a definite possibility.
duuuuuuude. I definitely 100% need to go to Texas now. I have friends there too actually. talk about convenient.
that's so nice. I remember when I was really little I asked my mom if I could have a little sister or brother, I wanted one sooooooo bad. I'm sad that I didn't get to have those experiences growing up, but I guess that just means that when I have kids they are definitely gonna have some siblings haha.
my favorite kid movie is definitely Beauty and the Beast; my first REAL favorite movie was The Goonies which I first saw when I was 6 (and I still love it); and my favorite movie now is Teenage Dirtbag. if you haven't seen it, go rent it right this instant. :) what's yours?
and what's your favorite color?
p.s.- haha, k, well I had a dream while I was napping that you made a video and I was going to watch it but I had to let it load first and then the dream changed so I didn't get to see it :(
I want to go to North Carolina sooooo bad. I don't even know why really, I just do haha. the closest "big city" we have is Sacramento (which I don't even really like) which is about an hour and a half away. SF is 3 hours, but it's not too bad :) my friends and I even made a trip to the city at midnight once. we left my parents a note saying that we ran off to the circus.
in Pittsburg my best friend lived next door and her mom babysat all of us neighborhood kids so I was always running around and stuff with them. then they pretty much all moved away around the same time and I was the only kid left on my street which was quite a bummer. but I lived at the end of a marina so we went swimming alllll the time. it was wonderful. it's pretty much the only thing I miss about living there. and now my dad lives in the house directly across the marina from the one I grew up in, so it's kind of strange, but still really cool. and on top of all of that my grandparents lived right next door to me so I know how the family thing goes. my mom and I actually moved up to Paradise because her biological mom lived up here as well as her half-brother and his family. and then my grandparents that I lived next to as a kid decided to move up here as well. I have a fairly small family on my mom's side haha.
where did you live before you lived there?
that's awesome! I love traveling. yeah, I could go for some warm weather right now too. we had lovely weather for weeks and then it's been snowing recently. last night the roads froze and I had to drive and it was terrifying since I have a Jetta, but it wasn't too bad. just weird because we hardly ever get much snow. does it snow much there?
2.27.11
no you didn't! that's really amazing. I vacationed a lot as a kid; I think my first trip was to Colorado when I was like 6 months old haha. I haven't gone anywhere really exciting in a few years though.
what does your dad do? and which of the places you traveled to has been your favorite?
dude! that's exciting! and if you get the opportunity to go to SF while you're out here, pleeeeeease let me give you a list of all the amazing places you should go :)
I lovvvvvvvvvve the snow, I just don't really have anyone that's willing to go play in it with me haha. we rarely ever have snow stick around for a few days like it has this time, it's kind of nice to see all the white rooftops. and on top of that, snow pretty much means I don't have to go to work so I'm down with that. the weather this year has been so crazy to say the least. I just remember when I was in 10th grade it rained for all but two or three days in March and my English teacher said she was gonna get out her scuba diving gear haha.
on top of all this, would you be down for a simple game of 20(ish) questions?
2.27.11.2
I hear CO's gorgeous too, I've don't think I've been there since I was a baby, so I don't remember it at all. I have a friend that lives out there though and he's shown me pictures and it's beauuuutiful.
hmm. that sounds really weird but really cool. how in the world did he get involved with fire hydrants? that's a pretty off the wall job field I'd say.
I've never even heard of San Marcos but I do love me some rivers haha. I love college towns though. Chico is a wonderful place. we have amazing parks and a beautiful downtown, and Chico State itself is quite pretty. and I just really like the atmosphere. granted I'm not the biggest fan of slutty hoes, but it's generally a pretty fun place.
I've had a small interest in going to Chicago for awhile now. not on the top of my list but I'd definitely go if the opportunity ever presented itself. how many sisters/siblings do you have?
snow's like any type of weather I guess. I love the rain and am thinking about living in Oregon/Washington when I get older but I have friends that live in Oregon that used to love the rain but hate it now, so I don't really know if I'll be one of those people or if I'll always just love it.
I think my favorite thing about the snow is the silence when it falls. it's just so calm. I love it.
k. how old are you/when's your birthday?
2.28.11
haha well that's pretty cool. gotta love it when things just kind of happen. still a random freaking job field hahaha.
awesome! that would be lovely :) yeah, I want to go to New York pretty bad too. I just want to visit all the museums and such. what other major cities have you been too that you would recommend?
you've got a big family. well compared to mine it is haha. were you glad to have grown up with siblings? I'm trying to figure out if it was better to have grown up an only child (which I did) or not.
same! for some strange reason I've felt in the past 4-5 years that I belong in Seattle. maybe not permanently, but for awhile at least. I just don't think I will ever be able to leave the west coast, I love it here. and I love the ocean too much to ever live in the middle of the country.
you have the same birthday as my step-dad's best friend, who is appropriately named June haha.
kk, your turn for une question :)
3.1.11
yeah, my mom went to Arizona during the winter one year for some horseback riding trip and she said it was incredible. and I have friends who live down there, so at some point Phoenix is a definite possibility.
duuuuuuude. I definitely 100% need to go to Texas now. I have friends there too actually. talk about convenient.
that's so nice. I remember when I was really little I asked my mom if I could have a little sister or brother, I wanted one sooooooo bad. I'm sad that I didn't get to have those experiences growing up, but I guess that just means that when I have kids they are definitely gonna have some siblings haha.
my favorite kid movie is definitely Beauty and the Beast; my first REAL favorite movie was The Goonies which I first saw when I was 6 (and I still love it); and my favorite movie now is Teenage Dirtbag. if you haven't seen it, go rent it right this instant. :) what's yours?
and what's your favorite color?
p.s.- haha, k, well I had a dream while I was napping that you made a video and I was going to watch it but I had to let it load first and then the dream changed so I didn't get to see it :(
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