1) Never Take Friendship Personal - Anberlin
2) Strange Like We Are - Campfire OK
3) Illuminate - Lydia
4) In Motion - Copeland
5) Quill - Bison
Felt - Anchor&Braille
Cities - Anberlin
Sigh No More - Mumford&Sons
Eat Sleep Repeat - Copeland
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Fabulous day
It started off with my Target orientation at 8 this morning. Then I had a meeting with a new counselor at the CMA (I like him a lot). Then I came home and hung out with my mama and did some picture stuffs on Tumblr and Facebook. Then I went to Chico, bought Anberlin's best of Tooth&Nail cd (couldn't find The Quiet Life though). After that I headed over to Ryan and Lisa's and we had dinner, sat around and talked, and then we went to Trader Joe's and Walmart. I spent 10 minutes searching for Batman Begins in a huge $5 movie bin and when I found it I jumped up and down and screamed. It was extremely satisfying. On our way back to Ryan's we pulled out the green tea mochi balls from Trader Joe's and boy oh boy were they good. They had melted a bit so they were soft, but still frozen. They were perfect. And then on my way home I had some wonderful God time. He is beautifully overwhelming and I love it.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Goes Without Saying
"You is cute."
-ECR
I need to stop feeling any sort of anything towards him. I just think he is the most precious individual on the face of the planet. It's as if I know I don't want him to mean the world to me like that, but I don't want to stop talking to him as often.
I think he's becoming far too significant to me, it'll only lead to heartache in the end. It just seems like another Jerry situation, but also kind of different. Much like with Jerry we talk quite often, I'm falling for him, and all I want to do is lie next to him and listen to music all night.
And then I think about it logically and figure that he is way too young right now, he needs to mature a bit (and so do I for that matter). Maybe in a few years if we're still single/close friends. I don't know, I just want to do what God wants me to do right now and I don't think that thinking about guys is one of those things that He wants me to do. And he has girls after him all the time and I don't want to stupidly start feeling jealous of girls I'll never meet for something I'll never have.
But he is the cutest boy I have ever known in my life. I guess the keyword there is "boy," and I need a man, but not right now. What I need right now is God and His love and wisdom and guidance; I don't need to be distracted by a blond-haired beauty 2,930 miles away.
-ECR
I need to stop feeling any sort of anything towards him. I just think he is the most precious individual on the face of the planet. It's as if I know I don't want him to mean the world to me like that, but I don't want to stop talking to him as often.
I think he's becoming far too significant to me, it'll only lead to heartache in the end. It just seems like another Jerry situation, but also kind of different. Much like with Jerry we talk quite often, I'm falling for him, and all I want to do is lie next to him and listen to music all night.
And then I think about it logically and figure that he is way too young right now, he needs to mature a bit (and so do I for that matter). Maybe in a few years if we're still single/close friends. I don't know, I just want to do what God wants me to do right now and I don't think that thinking about guys is one of those things that He wants me to do. And he has girls after him all the time and I don't want to stupidly start feeling jealous of girls I'll never meet for something I'll never have.
But he is the cutest boy I have ever known in my life. I guess the keyword there is "boy," and I need a man, but not right now. What I need right now is God and His love and wisdom and guidance; I don't need to be distracted by a blond-haired beauty 2,930 miles away.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
So conflicted.
I know that having these types of feelings is dumb and pointless, but I feel them all the same. I want them to go away, but I don't want them to leave. I love smiling when I get a text, knowing it's him.
I also think having feelings for him is "safe" because nothing will ever come of it (most likely) and that way I don't worry about guys around here at all, I have someone else to focus my attention on. And I'm terrified of losing him somehow, like he'll get bored with me after awhile. We've been talking nearly everyday for nearly 3 weeks now, and I don't want to lose that. I love talking to him. But I also feel like that's not a long time at all. Sometimes I think he's too cool for me, too cool to want to be my friend and I'm afraid I'm bothering him with my banter. But I know that sometimes I'm not, because he'll banter back.
I know I need to be focusing solely on God, and I am trying, and that's why I don't want to feel this way. But also when I think about him and how wonderful he is it makes me want to pray and read my Bible and get closer to the One that created love in the first place. I am just so conflicted.
At the very least I figure we'll meet one day in Heaven, and I hope and pray that I will know that he was somehow significant to me in this life.
I also think having feelings for him is "safe" because nothing will ever come of it (most likely) and that way I don't worry about guys around here at all, I have someone else to focus my attention on. And I'm terrified of losing him somehow, like he'll get bored with me after awhile. We've been talking nearly everyday for nearly 3 weeks now, and I don't want to lose that. I love talking to him. But I also feel like that's not a long time at all. Sometimes I think he's too cool for me, too cool to want to be my friend and I'm afraid I'm bothering him with my banter. But I know that sometimes I'm not, because he'll banter back.
I know I need to be focusing solely on God, and I am trying, and that's why I don't want to feel this way. But also when I think about him and how wonderful he is it makes me want to pray and read my Bible and get closer to the One that created love in the first place. I am just so conflicted.
At the very least I figure we'll meet one day in Heaven, and I hope and pray that I will know that he was somehow significant to me in this life.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I want to be your last first kiss
I won't say I'm in love, because I'm not. But I do love a boy very much. Someone I've known for nearly 4 years and have had the wonderful pleasure of getting closer to. Ryan James Nelson (aka East Coast Ryan) is by far the cutest boy I have ever known in my entire life. He's tall, he has beautiful green eyes, he's funny, he's entertaining, he's a complete Anberlin nerd, he's a Christian, he's just wonderful. However, he is blond, but that's okay, easily overlooked. I just think he's a lovely person. At the very least we are Anberlin soul mates and have extremely similar musical tastes.
We've been Skyping some recently and that's been a lot of fun. I like being able to talk to him "face to face" in a way. We put it on our mutual bucket list to see Anberlin live together one day, or Anchor & Braille at the very least. I just adore him.
I've been reading through this blog a little tonight and saw a post where I explained that I have two very opposing ideas when it comes to falling in love. I've always thought that I would be friends with a guy for a long time and then one day we'll realize that we're in love and can't live without each other; on the other hand I've always had a dream of just knowing when I meet the guy I'm meant to be with. I would normally not talk about this for a fear or jinxing it, but a friend of mine said to me once "You can't jinx God's will," and there was no better point ever made. I was Skyping Ryan tonight and thought to myself "Maybe he's that guy. The one that I'm friends with for a long time and we fall in love. And since I've never actually met him in person, maybe it could be that when we finally do meet, I'll just know it's him."
I've been very skeptical about love as of late though. My "relationship" with Beau was nothing but a sham. I tried to convince myself that it was real love when it clearly wasn't. (Just a quick side story so I don't forget it in years to come: About a month ago I was trying to be friends with him again because I didn't want to hate him or keep avoiding him. Big mistake. We ended up having sex and things went downhill from there. He was getting high around me and eventually I sent him to jail because he hid my keys and I wanted him to leave. Then a couple of days later he stole my cell phone and after a lot of back and forth crap I finally said "Screw it. Keep it, I don't want it anymore," and that was the last I said to him.) Anyway, because of that relationship I realized that love isn't what I always dreamed it to be. It's nothing like what you see in the movies or what you read in books; it's more real, with real world problems that don't necessarily work out.
I have impossibly high expectations that are unlikely to ever be met. When I was at the Awakening's spring retreat this year I started a list of qualities I would like my future husband to have - I originally came up with 43 and have added more since. I realize that there are a few things I'm more lenient on than others, such as hair color and height being more negotiable than him having to be a Christian that is artistic in some way or another. And I also know that right now I am in absolutely no place at all for a relationship and I am 99.9% okay with that; it's that other .1% of me that just wants to feel like I am special to someone of the opposite sex, that I mean something more than just being a friend.
And I don't know if East Coast Ryan could ever think of me as more than a close friend that lives on the opposite side of the country. Granted, I do think we were truly meant to know each other in some degree: we met on MySpace four years ago in July or August and have been friends since (however there was a span of about 8 months that we lost contact when there was a big migration of people from MySpace to Facebook.) Then when I started going back to church and the night I went to my first small group meeting at Jeni DeSpain's house I came home and found his friend request in my inbox on FB. I don't know if it was some act of God's or if it was just serendipitous happenstance, but either way I am grateful. We would talk off and on, but in the past few months we've really been reconnecting. He texted me last week telling me that he did something really stupid with a girl and sadly I was able to relate completely because it was exactly what I had just done with Beau a couple weeks prior. Then he called me a couple of days after and thanked me profusely for being there for him and giving him encouragement.
Going back to being 99.9% okay with singleship, I know that my focus right now needs to be on God and what He wants to do with my life, not what I want for myself. I need to get myself right with God and build lasting relationships with friends and family before I can start to build any sort of romantic relationship. On top of that I need to figure out what the heck I need to be doing as far as school goes and I need to find a way to make a decent amount of money while enjoying what I do. I know God has a plan for me in all these areas of my life and I just need to take the time to sit down and listen to Him and grow in my relationship with Him above all others. And I just need to stay patient while waiting for the love of my life to come along.
We've been Skyping some recently and that's been a lot of fun. I like being able to talk to him "face to face" in a way. We put it on our mutual bucket list to see Anberlin live together one day, or Anchor & Braille at the very least. I just adore him.
I've been reading through this blog a little tonight and saw a post where I explained that I have two very opposing ideas when it comes to falling in love. I've always thought that I would be friends with a guy for a long time and then one day we'll realize that we're in love and can't live without each other; on the other hand I've always had a dream of just knowing when I meet the guy I'm meant to be with. I would normally not talk about this for a fear or jinxing it, but a friend of mine said to me once "You can't jinx God's will," and there was no better point ever made. I was Skyping Ryan tonight and thought to myself "Maybe he's that guy. The one that I'm friends with for a long time and we fall in love. And since I've never actually met him in person, maybe it could be that when we finally do meet, I'll just know it's him."
I've been very skeptical about love as of late though. My "relationship" with Beau was nothing but a sham. I tried to convince myself that it was real love when it clearly wasn't. (Just a quick side story so I don't forget it in years to come: About a month ago I was trying to be friends with him again because I didn't want to hate him or keep avoiding him. Big mistake. We ended up having sex and things went downhill from there. He was getting high around me and eventually I sent him to jail because he hid my keys and I wanted him to leave. Then a couple of days later he stole my cell phone and after a lot of back and forth crap I finally said "Screw it. Keep it, I don't want it anymore," and that was the last I said to him.) Anyway, because of that relationship I realized that love isn't what I always dreamed it to be. It's nothing like what you see in the movies or what you read in books; it's more real, with real world problems that don't necessarily work out.
I have impossibly high expectations that are unlikely to ever be met. When I was at the Awakening's spring retreat this year I started a list of qualities I would like my future husband to have - I originally came up with 43 and have added more since. I realize that there are a few things I'm more lenient on than others, such as hair color and height being more negotiable than him having to be a Christian that is artistic in some way or another. And I also know that right now I am in absolutely no place at all for a relationship and I am 99.9% okay with that; it's that other .1% of me that just wants to feel like I am special to someone of the opposite sex, that I mean something more than just being a friend.
And I don't know if East Coast Ryan could ever think of me as more than a close friend that lives on the opposite side of the country. Granted, I do think we were truly meant to know each other in some degree: we met on MySpace four years ago in July or August and have been friends since (however there was a span of about 8 months that we lost contact when there was a big migration of people from MySpace to Facebook.) Then when I started going back to church and the night I went to my first small group meeting at Jeni DeSpain's house I came home and found his friend request in my inbox on FB. I don't know if it was some act of God's or if it was just serendipitous happenstance, but either way I am grateful. We would talk off and on, but in the past few months we've really been reconnecting. He texted me last week telling me that he did something really stupid with a girl and sadly I was able to relate completely because it was exactly what I had just done with Beau a couple weeks prior. Then he called me a couple of days after and thanked me profusely for being there for him and giving him encouragement.
Going back to being 99.9% okay with singleship, I know that my focus right now needs to be on God and what He wants to do with my life, not what I want for myself. I need to get myself right with God and build lasting relationships with friends and family before I can start to build any sort of romantic relationship. On top of that I need to figure out what the heck I need to be doing as far as school goes and I need to find a way to make a decent amount of money while enjoying what I do. I know God has a plan for me in all these areas of my life and I just need to take the time to sit down and listen to Him and grow in my relationship with Him above all others. And I just need to stay patient while waiting for the love of my life to come along.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
on God and butterflies
I learned about the butterfly last week in my public speaking class. about how the caterpillar practically melts away and nothing is alive within the cocoon during metamorphosis. but then the cells build themselves back up into a butterfly.
I couldn't stop telling people about how cool this all was; I told everybody I could.
it was when I told a friend Saturday night that I realized how off I am. I am so stoked and willing to tell people about how utterly amazing the butterfly is and yet I cannot open up my mouth to talk about Jesus with the same excitement. I hardly talk about Him at all.
I think that is the case because I figure everybody has heard about God at some point or another and already have their minds made up about Him, whether they believe in Him or not.
but I guess it's all the same; everybody has some idea about how the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, but not everybody learns how nothing is alive, about how there's only liquid inside the chrysalis at some point during metamorphosis.
it's the same with God: everybody has heard about Him, or at least the idea of Him, but not everyone knows about His grace and mercy and love for us.
that's what I need to change, I need to get it out of my head that every single human being already knows what Jesus did for us and how we are truly dead, in this life and the next, if we choose not to invite Him to come into our hearts and save our poor, broken, and depraved souls.
I couldn't stop telling people about how cool this all was; I told everybody I could.
it was when I told a friend Saturday night that I realized how off I am. I am so stoked and willing to tell people about how utterly amazing the butterfly is and yet I cannot open up my mouth to talk about Jesus with the same excitement. I hardly talk about Him at all.
I think that is the case because I figure everybody has heard about God at some point or another and already have their minds made up about Him, whether they believe in Him or not.
but I guess it's all the same; everybody has some idea about how the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, but not everybody learns how nothing is alive, about how there's only liquid inside the chrysalis at some point during metamorphosis.
it's the same with God: everybody has heard about Him, or at least the idea of Him, but not everyone knows about His grace and mercy and love for us.
that's what I need to change, I need to get it out of my head that every single human being already knows what Jesus did for us and how we are truly dead, in this life and the next, if we choose not to invite Him to come into our hearts and save our poor, broken, and depraved souls.
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