you've got more damn sinners than saints as friends.

I hate Steven.
and I hate you for being with him.
I really don't think I can keep being your friend like this when you've compromised your values so much for some stupid puppy love in high school.
I know this sounds a lot like what happened with Caitlin, but I'd rather just keep this between us.
you broke my heart.
you really fucking did.
you were the best friend I have ever had in my life, and I miss you, but I've realized in the past week and a half that I will never mean that much to you ever again. ever.
and I hate that you're lying to your parents about Steven and everything.
I think that's quite shitty of you actually.
if you can't tell them you're in love with some boy you've been sleeping with for months now, then what's the fucking point?
I was listening to The Great Escape last night and it made me want to fucking cry.
but I didn't. and you wanna know why? b/c I realized you're not worth it anymore.
I used to think you were the greatest thing to ever happen to me b/c I had never been able to tell anyone everything and open myself up so much.
but that time is now long gone.
it's time to move on and grow up.
and in a sense I think you were my first love b/c I cared about you so much and I wanted you to be happy and I wanted the best for you.
but I need to be the bigger person this time and tell you I'm not going to let you have so much control over my emotions anymore.
I need to move on with my life.
I'm sorry. I really am.

fall face down, fluid leaking out your eyeballs

I was so close to becoming the lastest victim of a scam that's been taking place for years and years.
thanks to one of my best friends, I was saved the misery, not to mention money.

the scam is being run by picture.com and poetry.com. I only entered at picture.com because I'd like to say I'm an aspiring photographer.
it really is my passion, and randomly one night, months ago mind you, I entered for the heck of it. and today I got home from school, got the mail and noticed a letter addressed to me. I ripped it open because I rarely ever get mail and saw that my picture, had been selected to be published in the International Library of Photography's book entitled Endless Journeys. I was so excited.

so I got on myspace and deviantart and posted a bulletin and a journal and was all excited about it.
then my friend did some research just to find out more, and she found out it was a scam.
then I typed it in myself and found several sites and threads where people said it's all a scam.

my question is this: how could people do this? it's just so horrible to get peoples' hopes up for their work to be published and just to have them crushed when they realize it's a sham and they paid for absolutely nothing.
I just don't understand how people can do this. talk about bad karma for the future.

dance all night, dance all night.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

6am - 7:30am: repeatedly hit the snooze button on my alarm.

7:45: rolled myself out of bed and took a shower

8:20: dressed and started packing what I would need for our trip to San Francisco

9:45ish: picked up Melissa and hit the road

10:00ish: went to breakfast at the Blackbear Diner in Gridley. Melie had the biggest salad any of us had ever seen in our lives. it looked like a whole head of lettuce plus another half of a head had been ripped up and put on the plate. it was insanely large.

10:45ish: set off on our trek to the city

1:30pm: stopped off at Treasure Island to get some cityscape shots. it was really weird lighting though, so I'm pretty positive the pictures will turn out pretty flat. but then I "rode" a dolphin statue and that was...interesting to say the least.

1:45: parents dropped Melissa, Elnora, and me off outside of Bloomingdales. we went inside, had a hard time finding the way into the main part of the mall, and finally got out and found a directory. we had to go to the bathroom so we went up a level and found the restrooms. then we looked at the directory again and searched for the Hot Topic Rock (only the greatest store EVER!). we had to go back down a couple of levels, so again we took the escalators. got lost for a nanosecond trying to find the store, but we found it and we looked around for a bit. we went up to the upper level of the store and I was just looking at random stuff when I noticed a little magazine section. I was just browsing through them when I noticed a cover of one with a picture of anberlin! I started freaking out a bit. I was really excited. so I ended up buying that and a Circa Survive shirt.

2:10ish: I wanted to ride the circular escalators outside of Nordstoms, but Melissa and Elle were being party poopers and said, "aren't we here to take pictures?" so I gave in and we walked out on Market St. we walked all the way down Market and took some random shots, and we saw this homeless guy that we think was going to the bathroom on a bench. it was rather disturbing and frightening. so we were walking, and I started getting more into the feel of the city and started looking around more for photographic possibilities. we were passing a parking garage type place when I noticed a strange platform type thing that had curved cobblestoned walls underneath. I turned to Elnora and asked, "How willing are you to get dirty?" I told her that I wanted her to sit underneath the platform on the ground and she agreed to do it. she tucked in her legs and wrapped her arms around them and I told her to look a little lonely, and I really hope the pictures turn out well. I really do.

close to 3:00ish: finally got down to the Embarcadaro. we saw the weird sculpture of vents or pipes (or whatever they are) and decided to shoot down in there for awhile. there were big stepping stone type things and I called them lily pads. Elnora thought I was crazy. I took some macro shots of the stucco stuff and some graffiti. then I had Elnora climb into one of the vents for me. then we went up some stairs and there was this kind of cute guy up there. but he was so far gone. it was kind of sad. so I took some pictures on the stairs.

around 3:30: started walking down the piers. we would stop along the way and shoot and such.

4:30ish: took some pictures right next to Pier 39. and Elnora said, "I'm pretty much over the whole San Francisco thing at this point." just because it was windy and a bit chilly. so then we went to the Pier and called my mom. I bought a Haight Ashbury magnet at Magnetron.

5:10: parents picked us up and we left the city. I fell asleep for a little bit in the car and then we stopped at the Black Oak restaurant where the old Nut Tree used to be. service sucked so we finally got up and left. but Elnora and I got a free milkshake.

7:30: stopped and had dinner at Mimi's in Sacramento. it was really delicious. "are there faeries in this bread?" I swear that's what Elnora said. I swear. and we had some free entertainment, a new employee was practicing being a waiter at the table next to us and his customers were fellow co-workers. they were being difficult and it was hilarious. "give me another margarita!" it was great.

8:30ish: went to Kim and Wayne's to pick up my mom's purse which she left there on Saturday. chatted with them for awhile and then we left.

11pm: dropped Melie off. came home and Elnora left for her boyfriend's friend's house.

2am: read my anberlin mag and went to bed.



it was a pretty great day in my opinion. I love San Francisco so incredibly much it's almost ridiculous. it really is my all time favorite happy place. seriously. and it was nice to have other photographers with me, but both kind of got tired of it towards the end. I just wanted to keep shooting, but they were cold and tired and over it so we stopped. but it was a really great day. and I think we're dropping off my film later. I'm really excited.