do you know what it's like

to not have your parents believe in you?
for them always take your friends' sides over your own?

I do. and I hate it.

blahhhhhhhhh

I don't even know.
Michael and I were "having a fight" hahahaahhaaa.
idk.
but yeah.

The Names Mik3 (12:40:59 AM): that call actually made me smile a little.

idk.

it's technically new year's eve. yay!

rkfdancer (8:50:06 PM): we should find seth rogen on myspace
rkfdancer (8:50:06 PM): haha
rkfdancer (8:50:12 PM): well fake seth rogen
rkfdancer (8:50:16 PM): that you kissed
candacetrain (8:50:20 PM): hahahaaha
candacetrain (8:50:21 PM): nah
candacetrain (8:50:22 PM): I don't care
rkfdancer (8:50:52 PM): no that way whenever you want to you can just hit him up
rkfdancer (8:50:54 PM): hahahahaha jk
rkfdancer (8:50:58 PM): or you can find someone else
rkfdancer (8:51:01 PM): like david cook
rkfdancer (8:51:02 PM):
candacetrain (8:51:09 PM): no way. the next person I"m kissing will actually mean something to me
candacetrain (8:51:18 PM): David Cook, I could go for that
rkfdancer (8:51:25 PM): I thought so
rkfdancer (8:51:37 PM): you could kiss your friend michael
rkfdancer (8:51:38 PM): ;D
rkfdancer (8:51:41 PM): haha

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

my alarm went off at 5:43 this morning I believe. I had to get up by 6 or we weren't gonna do presents until WAY later. so I got up, walked into the kitchen at 5:55, turned on the light and kind of yelled in my parents' room's direction "Five minutes!"
"Four minutes!"
"Three minutes!"
then I think I put on *NSYNC's Christmas cd and turned on the tree.
then I went to the bathroom.
"GET UPPP! IT'S CHRISTMAS! GET UPPPPPPPP! PRESENT TIME!!! Put on some clothes before you come out! GET UPPPP!!!"
:D

so we started w/ our stockings. first thing I opened: OKTOMAT <3>
my stocking was chock full of camera stuff from lomography.com :D soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ridiculously excited.

then I played Santa and handed out presents. I gave mom a bottle of lotion's that fragrance is something like "Dancing Waters" or something, and I said it was from the Urchin Peoples hahahahaha. I got some more camera stuff, a lamp, more camera stuff, THE COMPLETE SERIES OF THE O.C. (I've been asking for that for years haha), a picture frame, and a tripod. so needless to say, I'm gonna be out shooting a lot soon hopefully.
I'M SO EXCITED. and apparently all the camera stuff came from Germany :)

all my camera stuff:
Oktomat
Fisheye 2
-fisheye circle cutter
Supersampler
Square-35 Pinhole Camera
Standard-35 Pinhole Camera
Lomolitos
Pop 9 Split Cam
fotoclips

I'M SO EXCITED :D I have to name them all, and for sure one of them will be Parker, not sure which one yet though. FAB way to start Christmas I think. and my mom said it was the first time I ever actually woke her up for Christmas, and I'm 18. how odd hahaha.
-7:36am

we left the house at like 8 to go to Colin and Erin's for presents and food.
I got some pj bottoms, socks, a $30 gift card to Barnes and Noble (YESSSSSSSS!), Titanic, Stardust, Tales of Beedle the Bard (of which I read 64 pages while there, almost done), a Twilight movie book, and The Lump of Coal by Lemony Snicket.
while we were eating breakfast (I ate at the table with the kids and Kelly), Sean looks up at me and asks "Do you have brains?" and I was like "What? Do I have brains?" and Sean said, "Yeah." I didn't know how to answer that because I was so stunned by the question, please keep in mind that he's not quite 4 yet, and my Uncle Colin was like "I think her lack of an answer about sums it up." hahahahahahahaha
it was absolutely hilarious. and Sean is the CUTEST kid in the entire world. I swear.


and now we're at home. I took a shower, cleaned the cat box, and put the presents back under the tree. I still need to clean my bathroom/room and vaccuum. and soon will be presents w/ my g-rents.
-1:22pm

then I cleaned. mom came home and g-rents came over. got a couple of cashmere cardigans from my grandparents, a SICK calendar from my parents, a tripod from my 'rents, and pjs and a realllllllly cool cross (that I'll probably never way but it's really neat) from my grandparents.
um, I don't remember what happened after that. maybe Kelly and Brandon showed up? so then I put on White Christmas and started constructing my square do-it-yourself camera. TOOK ME OVER TWO WHOLE HOURS. so frustrating, but it's neato.
we had dinner in between me finishing the camera and I had potato sandwiches. carbs much? YEAH.
then I finished the camera. ummmmmmmm, then we just hung out for awhile I think. then June and Ernie showed up and we had desert (this delicious concoction that's part chocolate ganache and part carmel filling with whipped cream on the top. I was only gonna have a bite of my mom's piece because my tater sandwiches filled me up, but after I took one bite I had to get my own it was so good. then we played a funny game that my g-ma wanted us to play. Ernie was protective of his Purell and Brandon of his irish springs soap hahahahahaha.
then I started working on my standard pinhole camera. after about 5 minutes of that we opened presents w/ June and Ernie. June's parents (Mama Honey and Tom) got me this delicious smelling hand soap and June and Ernie got me lotion and socks. and I still had a couple presents from my parents that I hadn't seen earlier and they were more lomolitos and the action sampler.
I HAVE SO MANY NEW CAMERAS TO NAME!!!!!!!!! :D
then I finished my standard pinhole, only took me like an hour and a half thankfully :)

so I pretty much got almost everything I asked for, minus the twin lens reflex that I still plan on buying, the Faceless International shirt, and a Charity:Water umbrella (I plan on getting both of those too because they're really awesome and for GREAT causes).
it was a good year. these past two Christmases have been FAB.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS :D

-11:01pm

so I had this dream, rather, a nightmare

I was in a hotel that had the same layout as my house and I was on the computer and both my parents were in bed and I hear the garage door open so I'm like 'what the hell?'
so I get up to go check it out and then there's this girl with dark hair covering her face and she comes over to me in a split second and stabs me in the cheek with a syringe full of something that should have killed me.
I collapsed against the counter and fell to the floor and then the next thing I knew I was awake and trying to describe what had happened to my parents or somebody
I guess the girl had a grudge against me or something.

then I woke up at 6:12 and realized it was just a dream, I seriously thought it was real though.

and while I was typing this out to Michael, I realized the girl that tried kill me, quite possibly could've been myself.

Christmas is a time for people with love in their lives

-And that's not you?

-That's not me, Michael.

love actually

I don't even know. this year didn't feel like Christmas at all. I still have tomorrow, but nothing felt like Christmas. I did not watch a SINGLE Christmas classic. didn't really listen to Christmas music. nothing felt/feels like Christmas.

I decided I would trade EVERY gift I'm going to be getting tomorrow, and ALL the gifts I'd get in the future just to be in love.

I would.

I know you can't buy love, but if I could, oh baby would I.

why do we always say we're fine

when it's obvious we're lying

I tend to do that a lot. say I'm okay with something but I'm actually not. but I hate rocking the boat. oh I don't know.

I realized today that I feel like I can most be myself around Jack and Olivia. like I don't have to pretend about anything with them. and conversations are just so comfortable with them. like I never have to feign interest or anything of the sort (not that I usually do that!) but yeah. I don't know. I miss them. but I get to see them both tomorrow at T-Mama's xmas party. well if we all don't get snowed in. ha. it'll be the first time we've all been together since freaking August. I'm quite looking forward to it.
oh, and I also feel like myself around Alexandrea as well. I love that girl like no other and I cannot wait until February. it best work out!!!!

"Finding" out who you are can not happen when you are only being what you think different groups of people will like.

so I've been reading some of Camille Young's blogs on xanga tonight (aka Parker's little sister) and SERIOUSLY that entire family is beautiful. it makes me feel guilty for not having a better relationship with my parents, but that's just not how my family is. but it makes me want to have a big family full of love when I get older.
and I want a friend like this:

Thank you for forcing sardines down my throat. Thank you for dragging me across the floor while singing "little bunny foo-foo." Thank you for telling me I resemble a llama or a cockatoo on a regular basis. Thank you for not being able to NOT share every detail of your day with me. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for hoping and dreaming with me.

minus the sardines ;)

so I was reading her blogs and then my mom called me from the other room and it brought me back to reality: that my life isn't what I want it to be. what it needs to be.

I need to get a job, save some money, and just move away from here. I don't belong here. I really really don't. I think Melissa put it perfectly: this town is a black hole. people leave, but end up getting sucked back in. I do NOT want that to happen to me. I just don't belong here anymore!!! it was good when I first moved here almost 6 years ago, but not anymore. I need new faces more than anything right now. and people always say "oh, I'm going to move away" or "I just want to get out of here" but never do anything about it. I'm not going to let that happen. there's nothing keeping me here at all except for the fact that I have like no money to my name, but other than that, whatever. my parents will always be my parents no matter what, and the people I care about the most have already moved away. so once I save up some money I am OUT OF HERE.

back to fate

if I believe in one thing above anything else in this life, it's love

last night I wrote in my journal,

my dream book, and my notebook from Ashland.
first time I'd written in ages. I like writing. I love black ink pens.
and the reason for that was because the power went out for awhile and I never felt like turning my computer on. I also like writing in my journal for the sheer fact that it is completely private. well unless somebody steals it or something.

my mother told such a great story last night. I called it The Plight of the Urchin Peoples.
it was about this guy w/ a shucket in his bucket that was attacked by a giant clam. then a sea witch named Ursula (no relation to The Little Mermaid) stole his voice. he fell through a trap door in the bottom of the ocean and met the urchin peoples. apparently they were disenfranchised and the man brought them back "into the fray". then after 20 long years of searching he found the sea witch and got his voice back by hugging her. hahaha.
I recorded 13 minutes of it on my phone. the women in my family definitely have a knack for storytelling to say the least.

my mom won these yummy chocolates from her work xmas party the other night and at one point I had a Grand Marnier (it's Belgian chocolate) and I said aloud "I almost asked a really dumb question: Where is Belgian chocolate from?"
to which my mother so astutely replied "It's from Ghana. Belgian Ghana chocolate."
so I asked how it got there and she said "Well the cocoa bean used to be grown in Belgium, but then...-"
"It moved!"
"Yes, it moved."
hahahahaha. I love my mother :D

today I've been drinking A LOT of water. and I have no idea why. but it tastes really good to me for some reason. which is good.

hmm

I think I actually made it more than it ever was.
I reread old messages and there was no substance there.
like we didn't even get below the surface.
now I just feel silly. but I'm okay with that.
I can completely move on now and that makes me quite happy :)
like I freakin talk to Michael more than I ever talked to Alex and about substantial stuff too lol.
I really feel silly. but it's okay :)
and I realized I have my friends and what I love and that's all I really need.

I've been generally happy for about 3 1/2 months now and I am oh so very thankful for that.
it's definitely a better feeling than being depressed all the time, that's for shizz.
sure I'd like a few things to be different, but overall I'm content :)

oh, and, dang it! I forgot what I wanted to say!!!!
:(

um, I was extremely vulnerable last night (12/11). and it wasn't the kind of forced vulnerability I sometimes employ to get sympathy. (I haven't really been doing that lately anyway. it's stupid.) it was just natural. I hadn't felt vulnerable in an extremely long time, and this might sound really odd, but it was a good feeling. it's difficult to explain. but I am reminded of something Stephen Christian wrote:

be human, be vulnrable, be real, be hurt, be rational, be flexible, learn, grow, move on. be human once again

oh! I had a dream last night that I was bipolar! it was SCARY

I liked Nate Young's younger brother or something (yeah, not a real person, although he does have a younger bro but it wasn't him) and we were all hanging out and we went to the cafeteria where their mom worked to get some food. this blonde girl accidentally bumped into me and didn't say sorry and my first reaction was BITCH! YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! and I pushed her. it freaking came out of nowhere and in my dream I was FREAKING OUT thinking "What am I doing? This isn't me!!!" and then I passed out. it was soooooooooooo very strange.

fuck you.

just fuck you.
I did what I thought was best.
and you didn't care.
thanks. asshole.

no really.

pourquoi?

porque?

warum?

quare?

dlaczego?

miksi?

perché?

proč?

لماذا?

de ce?

защо?

なぜ?

почему?

zašto?

hvorfor?

varför?

γιατί?

why?

i hope you're not living a lie

he's everything I could ever hope for.

http://www.xanga.com/pensivemidnight

Parker Parker Parker

I unfortunately realized the other night that I am so not the type of girl he would be with.

it took me back to something in Stephen Christian's The Orphaned Anythings (or maybe it was just in his blog) that said something along the lines of "Stop looking for [Mr.] Right and start becoming [Mrs.] Right.

I've found Mr. Right, aka Parker, but I'm not yet Mrs. Right.

oh this is so silly. but really, Parker is everything I could ever hope for, could ever dream of. he's just a beautiful person in every way. I wish I was older. I wish I lived in NYC. I wish Parker and I could fall in love.

you broke my heart

but not really.
it's difficult to explain.
I thought I loved you. I thought you loved me.
you said it was real; at the time.
that was a little comforting at least. at least it wasn't some horrible joke.
I don't know why this is bothering me so much, but it really is. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it.
you were 'perfect' for me, I realized that then, but I realize it more now. it's an awful feeling.
and I've been thinking lately, maybe love is a choice. it would seriously crush my heart if that were true, but all the signs are currently pointing towards "CHOICE", away from "FATE".
I desperately hope and pray that I am wrong. I want love to be everything. and I don't want it to be a choice, I want it to be a necessity, something I need, to eat, to sleep, to breathe, to live.
but if it's a choice, at this point in my young and naive existence, I am S.O.L.
I just want to so badly to get over you, to move on, and I've been trying sooooooo hard, but it's just not working. I've prayed about it NUMEROUS times, and yet my prayers still go unanswered.
it's so difficult. I hate this. I really don't want to feel like this anymore. I'd love to be friends, I really would. I just hate thinking about you so much. it's just stupid. I'm stupid.
this is just awful.

Owl Monkey

so my mom, Heather, and I played Trivial Pursuit tonight. soooooooooooooooooo many funny things happened it was absolutely RIDICULOUS.

Heather: 'What doesn't work at night and uses a gnomon to tell the time?'

Mom: A solar watch!

me & Heather: A SUN DIAL!!!

one question was about a monkey that looks like a nocturnal bird and the answer was Owl Monkey and when I said it my mom LOST IT.

then we all started laughing. and my mom said, "I'm gonna pee my pants!" and we laughed even harder and then she said, "I did pee my pants!!!" hahahahahha lmfao

we were on the floor rolling around laughing. LITERALLY.

after laughing for a solid like 4 minutes my mom said "I need to go change my pants" and Heather and I just kept on laughing.

that game is pretty much the best :D

the other night when mom, Starshine, and I were playing one of the questions was "As of 2006, which of the 9 planets was not named after a Greek/Roman god?"

the answer was Earth and my mom proceeded to say "I'd like to know the Greek god Uranus was named after."

my mother is a hoot. :)

anyyyyyyyyyyyway, now to the whole point of writing this thing.

I WOULD NOT MARRY DAVID COOK IF I COULD MARRY PARKER YOUNG.

yes, I said it. I would give up David Cook for Parker. Parker is just incredible and he's an AMAZING photographer and I admire him and he's just incredible. the only downside is that he's SUPER skinny, but oh well, I'll look past that lol. just everything about him, oh he's wonderful. really.

and I think if we ever met, we would completely fall in love lol. :D