An Essay on 23

Twenty-three was by far the most difficult year of my adult life, thus far.  Up until probably mid-September I spent all but the first two weeks of the 2014 calendar year in absolute misery.  I had never had my heart broken before and the weight of that was crushing.  One of the biggest lessons I learned in technically my 24th year of life, was to never speak in absolutes (yes, I realize the irony of that statement).  I had done things I swore I'd never do in a million years, and the one thing I prided myself most on is the thing I turned my back to completely.  But you know, as they say, pride cometh before the fall, and boy oh boy was I proud, and boy oh boy did I fall.  Hard.  I hurt people in a way I had never hurt anyone before; I lied in a way I didn't know I was capable of; I felt no remorse, no regret.  I was apathetic to it all.  

One of the things I am most interested in in life is to understand people, to truly understand them and their motives for why they do the things they do, and by summer I finally understood.  When you become so selfish that you don't care how your actions effect those around you, that's when the apathy creeps in, that's when the apathy floods your system and you become the person that you never wanted to be.  I had become apathetic to all, justifying my actions in inexcusable ways.  When in reality there was no excuse for what I did, no legitimate justification.  I generally try to live by the golden rule, while in the last month before turning a year older, I had completely disregarded it and started living without rules.  Afterall, there are no rules when it comes to matters of the heart.  

Twenty-three was the messiest, most complicated year of my life.  It was filled with pain, and heartache, and a desire to crawl into a hole and never wake up again.  "These are hard times, yes hard times, these are hard times, there are harder times to come."  I know this won't be the hardest thing I'll go through in my life, there will be times much more difficult to get through than this, but I know I'll get through them all.  They'll be painful, but there's always beauty waiting on the other side.  I know that something great will come out of this past year, I'm not sure what it is yet, and I'm not sure when I'll find out, but I know everything happens for a reason, and that's the hope I have to hold on to.  I have way too many things to be grateful for and to be happy about to dwell on the less-than-ideal experiences.  For goodness' sake, I took 10+ plane rides up and down the coast and cross-country.  I saw some spectacular things, met some amazing people, and had heart wrenchingly beautiful experiences. This glass is far too full for it to even be considered half-empty.  

Twenty-three ended on the best possible note.  Vulnerable, raw, intimate to the core.  The best conversation I've probably ever had in my life with someone that had destroyed everything I thought I was.  The honesty is something that I will hold onto for the rest of my life and I hope it's an experience I never forget.  Four hours of nothing but pain and vulnerability and comfort.  It was perfect.  I didn't want to carry the awful decisions I'd made as a 23-year-old into the next year, and I will be forever grateful for the day before my birthday, the evening I spent with Kyle.  It will be a struggle for awhile longer, but I know one day my heart will heal and I'll be grateful for one of the hardest years of my life.

March - August: Crater Lake

One, two, one, three, unknown
Hypocrisy at best
Unidentifiable at worst
Unhealthy, uncertain, devoid, bored, fresh
Hazy memories
First time flight
Months between
Forgotten
Smiles, laughter
Warmth, safety
Uncertainty, fear
Insecurities creep 
Fill every crevice
Doubt and analysis will be the death of me
Self-assurance and optimism will be my rebirth
It's time to feel alive again
It's time to move on
It's time to live
Balanced, calm, logical
Healthy, happy
Strong

Letter to Kyle

Weds. 6 August 2014

Kyle,

Never had I been more heartbroken in my entire life.  For the past two months my heart has been functioning at minimal capacity, never healing.  Where any mention of you and Heidi, or you and any other girl for that matter, used to crush me like a ton of bricks, it now only stings slightly.  For a very solid 3 weeks, at least, you were in at least one of my dreams every single night.  Where at first sleep was my only solace, that now too became a place of inescape.  A place where I knew I would have to see you every night once my eyelids closed for long enough to play a picture on the backs of them.  Instead of waking every morning and having those two blissful seconds of disorientation from reality, I now could no longer wake in confusion, but instead I awakened with sorrow.  There are very few things left in this town that don’t remind me of you in some way or another, which makes things rather difficult.  I think back to those places and times and see how happy we were at first, and then I see how it started to disintegrate, but mostly I still see happiness.

And it’s frustrating for me because we didn’t end on my terms, at all, we ended on yours.  I had never been in a “relationship” that hadn’t ended on my terms, and that’s what kept me hanging on at first, for far too long.  That’s why I gave you that second chance, that second chance that you blew, and couldn’t have cared less about.  At least that you seemingly didn’t care about.  You say it’s because you got scared, and that may partially be true, but I also think it’s because you’re a coward when it comes to confrontation and didn’t want to tell me the truth point blank.  Whatever the case, it doesn’t matter much now.  You broke my heart.  So completely.  What hurts the most is that I don’t hate you, it would be so much easier if I did.  I still like talking to you at work, I still like giving you a hard time, I still like working with you.  While at first all I wanted was revenge, I knew that wasn’t the right option, instead I genuinely wished you and Heidi all the best.

I know I’ll eventually be able to move on from this heartache, and I know I’ll be better for it, I’m just not seeing it quite yet.  Since it first came out about Heidi in March I have had rebounds and one night stands galore.  I’ve become someone I swore I’d never be.  Especially since you two became “official” in June.  I was trying to drown my sorrow for you in others and was only left feeling emptier than before.  I still thought of you constantly, you were the only one that I had feelings for, you were the only one I wanted to be with.  I no longer have feelings for you, and I haven’t for awhile, but I’m still not over you, I’m not over this whole situation.  Relationships, or even simply getting to know someone, terrify me.  I am so afraid of being lied to, of being hurt again the way you hurt me.

You say that I broke your heart, too.  You say you felt betrayed by one of your best friends because we started talking.  He was there for me when you were off with other people.  He was there as a friend to help get me through the betrayal that he had also recently gone through.  I’m not sure if I actually broke your heart the way you’re making it out to be, but if I did, I am truly sorry, it was never my intention to hurt you.  I very sincerely hope that you can do some self-examination and see who you are, and see how much better you can be.  You have some growing up to do, and we all do, just stop being so afraid to tell people how you feel/what’s on your mind.  If you have a problem with something, verbalize it, work it out, don’t just bury it under the rug, where it’s just as obvious.  I know you can be someone you’re proud of, and I hope that you can see that for yourself.

I truly wish you nothing but the best,

Candace