grr

what is WRONG with me???
I just freaking started crying when I saw that picture. you actually listened to me.
it makes me think if things are starting to change again, but then I think about it even more and realize nothing is different.

and the world keeps turning...

prejudice is so stupid!!!!

so I was sitting at the dinner table and somehow we got onto the subject of piercings, again.
Mel said that she thought Eva was one of the few people in her mind that could pull off a nose ring.
(Mel's not big on piercings to begin with)
and then about 5 minutes later Starshine said "And just for the record, Eva can't pull off a nose ring." I got so freaking upset that I just stopped eating, got up and put my dish in the sink and started doing the dishes. I was freaking pissed.
he is so ridiculously prejudiced against those with piercings/tattoos. Eva is seriously one of the nicest, sweetest people I have ever known, and I don't understand how somebody could just automatically not like somebody just because they have a nose ring, or a lip ring, or a tattoo or anything of the sort.
it is absolutely RIDICULOUS! it's stupid! it's pointless!
why can't people just accept each other for who they are and not what they look like.
get over yourselves people!!!!


(and the worst part, is that my mother agrees with abso-freaking-lutely everything he says)

5:02:07

Melissa and I talked forever tonight.
and I really don't care for the phone at all.
we planned out peoples' lives. most included a sex change and/or drugs. it was pretty great.

-I want to run naked through paperclip fields with Ryan

-my jiggs are boobly!

I also looked through old IMs w/ the Noob.

-'cause you are my loving distraction

I liked that. it's just weird to think about now. I was so "in love" w/ him. gag me!

I was so naive is more like it.

okay, so I just went over to look at Chantilly's ear b/c it's been droopy I guess you could say. so I touched it so I could get a better look at it, when i realized it was swollen/inflamed. it's freaking weird and it makes me feel soooooooooooo bad. like I've known she's been having ear problems for awhile, and I've told my mom but she doesn't do anything about it. so I feel so super bad about it right now. she's my baby girl and I feel like I've failed her as a "parent."

goodness. :/

oh, today/yesterday was Easter Sunday. it was alright. I find my "uncle" oddly attractive. shoot me. I'm crazy.

and Talia and Eva came over to give me some Amish Friendship Bread.

-mush the bread! mush the bread!!! MUSH THE BREAD!!!

-how can you be on Day 6 when you've only had it for 3 hours?

and they told me how they saw "the most beautiful boy at Sultan's Bistro today" and I was like "omg! I know him!" hahaha. it's Zach, the guy I started talking to when I saw his comment on one of Elnora's SF pictures I took. he's really awesome. but yeah, their story made me laugh.

oh, and I dug out an old keyboard of mine today as well. I got stuck in the closet though. then I came out of the closet. it was pretty epic. or not.

new dress

so I got a new dress. :)
Alaura and I went shopping in SF Wednesday, and we went to Forever 21 (3 freaking stories!) and I saw this and basically fell in love.
I also got a pink hairband.

then I went shopping again yesterday, aka Thursday, with Katy. we stayed in town though. so we went to the mall and browsed a lot.
I bought some earings, a few hairbands, body spray (coconut lime verbena, yum!), AP mag from Hollister (cheaper than Barnes and Noble), an A Skylit Drive shirt, and a pair of skinny jeans (I lost a pant size, yippee!). then we went to Target where I got some black flats. the jelly shoes I wanted didn't come in 10s or 11s. I hate having big feet sometimes. :/

and then I came home from the Bay today. Daddy drove me all the way up, and Wolfgang tagged along too, he went to see Billy in Chico.
I got home and put all my crap in my room and didn't notice the package from Amazon lying on my bed for quite awhile. but when I did I ripped it open and got really excited. it was my copy of The Orphaned Anything's. (f this place sick! my internet quit on me before it had saved everything. blah. so here it goes again.)
so then I unpacked, took a shower, watched Make Me A Supermodel (I hope either Holly or Perry win), turned on my bed, dried my hair, and started reading my new book.

I LOVE it!
my only complaint is Stephen Christian's grammar.
I'm a grammar nazi by nature, it was how I was raised. lol.

like I understand what he's trying to say and stuff, but occasionally he uses the wrong "there/their/they're" or "to/too", and there are some minor misspellings. it bugs me, but it's not so bad as to make want to stop reading it.

some of my favorite quotes so far:

f this place sick!

the sun will come out chin tiger

i love [photography] though, especially black and white, there is just so much feeling that can be evoked by a piece of paper, and thin layers of ink. the light, the texture, over or under exposure, sharpness, brightness, contrast, saturation, temperature, tint, shutter speed, the type of lens, et cetera.

maybe i should change to nature, everyone likes mountains and pieces of wood, with green leaves.

i like dying people and abandoned somethings.

i believe all's well that ends.

i do not like nature all that much to be honest, give me concrete, or disinigrating statues, or a rusty something.

orphaned anythings.

I'm about halfway, and I would like to finish it tonight, but I'm tired all of sudden.

I will try though! :D

[oh, and when I got home my baby kitty girl was in my closet. and she wouldn't come out. lol.]

take me anywhere

I'm listening to Anchor&Braille's demo of "Mary Agnosia". I love Stephen Christian.

so I've been browsing deviantART all night and some of the pictures I've seen make me wonder why I want to be a photographer. like there are so many freaking talented photographers out there that make me feel like I don't stand a chance. honestly.

http://arootlesstree.deviantart.com/

that's one of my favorites I found tonight.


I love photography more than life almost and I really feel like it's what I'm meant to do, but looking at all of the great work out there, it just makes me feel like I can't even attempt to hold a candle to all of it.
the nice thing is it's provides a lot of inspiration though.

http://meandthesun.deviantart.com/

like how freaking cool is that?! so cool.

and this is just beautiful.

http://cozmec.deviantart.com/

it seriously makes me feel like I don't stand a chance though. but I will continue on in my dream, trying new things and just trying to be the best I can be.

So Screw California

so I'm basically in love with Rogue Wave's "California", it's quite lovely. :)

well I ordered Stephen Christian's book, The Orphaned Anything's, about an hour ago.

it doesn't come out until this Thursday, but I'm hoping I'll get it sometime next week. maybe by the time I come back from my dad's during break. that would be delightful.

in other news, Starshine told me what he's gonna do for my graduation present.
he's going to send me and my mum to Seattle for a few days. I am so incredibly excited and happy about it that I can't even describe my elation.
I've been wanting to go for a couple of years now so I'm really happy about it. like really freaking happy.

FIN

It involves a bathing suit
blue spandex

Two different bottles
one solid, one liquid

Water surrounds me
warmth envelops my shaking body

Trees of red
growing rapidly in the heat

Tears stream down my cheeks
as if in apology

The water turns cold
with the passage of time

FOUND are the letters
written in black ink

bipolar/atypical depression

I honestly think there is something wrong with me.
one minute I'm peppy and happy and the next I'm super pissed off and just want to be left alone.

I was researching bipolar disorder/depression and these are two of the things I found.
they describes me pretty accurately.

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:
Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Sleeping too much or too little
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide

Atypical Depression - Atypical depression is a common subtype of major depression. It features a specific symptom pattern, including a temporary mood lift in response to positive events. You may feel better after receiving good news or while out with friends. However, this boost in mood is fleeting. Other symptoms of atypical depression include weight gain or significant increase in appetite, sleeping excessively, a heavy feeling in the arms and legs, and sensitivity to rejection.

debates about period placement in regards to middle initials

tonight my mom, Starshine, and I went to Outback in Chico for dinner.
delicious as always. mum and I had the ahi tuna to start, that is like orgasmic it's so good and for dinner I had the cyclone pasta. yum yum.

but I wasn't able to finish it so I got a to-go container and on the top of it I wrote "Candace N. Parker" and Starshine asked, "why did you put a period after the 'N'?"
I told him that's what you're supposed to do after a middle initial.
he didn't think so, so we got into a big debate about it.
naturally, my mother sided with him saying there wasn't a period.
I was firm in my belief that there was. so Starshine and I bet $5 about it.
he admitted he didn't know, but he honestly thought there wasn't.
and then guess what? my mother changed her mind.

"now that I really think about it, there might be a period afterall."

I hate that she always sides with him, agrees with him about everything, doesn't see my side of certain issues.

so I came home, looked up Michael J. Fox on IMDB and low and behold! a period after the 'J'!

go figure.

so Starshine owes me $5. :)

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue.

apparently it's finally over.

I don't understand why it's hitting you now. it doesn't make sense, it all comes "crashing down" months after I said everything. it's all irrelevant now.

I tell you to let it go. you get offended and call me selfish.

at least I'm not as selfish as I used to be, or as selfish as you.

and I don't think you understand where I'm coming from in regards to my senior project.

it's my project and I want it to be as great as it can be. but I don't think you realize that.

then you tell me this:

"just its hard for me, cause your feelings change so drastically and so much.

like one day your mad at me, then like your mad at everyone, and you get all depressed and I feel like I HAVE to be there for you, but then once I am your better and there's no reason for me anymore."

did you ever think that maybe I was better when you were around because I knew someone cared?

and then you would leave again because "there's no reason for [you] anymore," and the whole cycle would start over.

and this:

"I just can't be your friend.

you get hurt too easily and I can't be worrying all the time about that.

and I know you want me as more than I can give you.

its just not in my capability to do."

this makes me wonder if you ever really were my friend.

if you feel like you have to be there for me, and you "don't have time to be worrying" about me anymore, then what's the point?

you shouldn't feel like you have to do something for a friend because if you don't they'll be hurt, you should do it because you actually care.

which it's apparent now you don't.

and I wonder if you ever really did.

but this is your life. I'm over it.

you'll have to deal with the consequences of your actions one day.

and I just want you to know, I'll always be here.

I can't turn my back on someone I've loved.