The following Saturday I was kind of freaking out about where Anthony are going in relationship terms. I asked him what I was to him and the conversation turned out MUCH better than I thought it would. I was fortune telling and thinking he would be really turned off by me asking that question and really back off from us. But it turns out that he does want to properly date me eventually and we determined (although it was already set in stone, just never verbalized) that we are exclusive with each other. Anyway, that was really reassuring to hear.
So the next Tuesday, which was May 28, we met up at the new coffeehouse on Esplanade, It's a Grind. He had made a mix for me, all Daft Punk songs, and had written a note on the inside. It said this:
"To Candace,
I am so grateful to have you in my life. You've been nothing but a positive influence on me, and I love you dearly. You're an amazing woman, and I hope this mix reflects you as a person and does justice to my feelings for you.
All my love,
Anthony"
It made me cry. When I read the "I love you dearly" part I very much started to tear up.
I have never met another person like him. And I'm glad of that.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Happenstance
Three weeks ago (on a Wednesday) I got off work at 3:30 and headed over to Barnes and Noble to buy Anthony Getting Your Book Published for Dummies. He texted me at 3:41 asking if I was still at work. I replied that I had left work but was still in town and asked him what was up. As I was crossing the overpass and went through the light I got the text "Come to Barnes and Noble, I have a surprise for you :)". I pulled up behind his car about a minute later. I told him that I was already on my way over there to buy him something. He then told me to close my eyes and open my hands, when I opened them I had in my hands The Lands of Ice and Fire, aka all the maps from Game of Thrones. Best gift ever.
I just thought it was amazing how I was already on my way over there to buy him a gift and he had gotten me one. There have been several instances of things like this occurring between us. I love it.
Also, when I gave him the book the next day I had written in it
"Dearest Anthony,
Go get yourself published! Your work is really good and others need to know that. Plus, I want to buy 10 copies of your book as soon as it hits the shelves. You're an amazing writer, don't ever forget that.
Yours,
Candace"
and after he read it he thanked me, pulled me close, and kissed me.
(I'm pretty sure I could write a novel about all the amazing moments involving him. The past 5 months of getting to know him have been grand.)
DVOR Basic Issue Development - Avoidance
Candace P.
DVOR Level 2, Tues. 6-8pm
11 June 2013
Basic Issue - Avoidance
Avoidance in the simplest of terms is procrastination, or putting something off until tomorrow what you could get done today. It may be waiting until the last second to take out the trash when the garbage truck is right around the corner, or ignoring the growing pile of bills on your desk because you’re afraid of how much they all cost.
I learned the art of avoidance from my mother when I was in preschool. I remember coming down the stairs in the middle of the night to see her furiously working at the dining room table on an art project that was due the next day. She is one of the best procrastinators I know; she can literally wait until the last second and come up with something brilliant at the drop of a hat, at least when it comes to artsy-type stuff.
Since I was a child I have always procrastinated doing school work. In 5th grade I waited until a few days before a huge report was due to start working on it, and I spent a beautiful Sunday afternoon inside the house because of it. I was a procrastinator throughout high school, and the majority of college, but I have become a lot better about getting assignments done in the past two semesters. Sometimes I use avoidance to push off having discussions with others that I know need to happen, in hopes that the issue will just go away and I won’t have to deal with it. Other times I pretend that my financial issues don’t exist in hopes that my debt will magically disappear.
Avoidance has caused me a lot of unwarranted stress. Even though I’m ignoring the issue, it’s still there, and subconsciously I am still worrying about it the whole time until it gets dealt with. I know that family and friends get annoyed with me when I don’t respond immediately to invitations of getting together; and if I ignore a situation that needs to be talked about and dealt with it just causes tension between me and the other party involved.
I have been working on this issue for a long time now and just remind myself about the golden rule: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” I hate it when people don’t get back to me about stuff so I would like to show them the same respect and let them know either way if I am able to make a commitment or not. I also try to address an issue with another person when it arises by using assertive communication, instead of shoving it under the rug. That way we can work it out and move on instead of feeling that awkward tension that accompanies unresolved conflict. When it comes to school I really try to get my assignments done a few days before they are due instead of waiting until the night before to start them. I started doing this last fall semester when I had to write a four page paper for my logic class: I started writing the paper four days before it was due, and finished it three days before it was due; I had never felt better about not procrastinating in my life. When it comes to money I try to check my account balance often to stay on top of the things I need to pay for and to not spend money that I should be saving instead. It always feels better to deal with an issue head-on and get it over with than it does to put it in the corner and pretend it doesn’t exist, all the while it is watching you and waiting for its chance to pounce and make things even worse.
DVOR Basic Issue Development - Control
Candace P.
DVOR 2nd Level, Tues. 6-8pm
4 June 2013
Basic Issue Development - Control
Control is the desire/compulsory need to have things go your way. Whether it be in regards to what you and your friends do on a Saturday night, how your house needs to be cleaned a certain way, or even what your significant other is doing in his or her spare time, if you feel the need to be in charge of all these situations, then control is an issue.
I have been a little OCD since childhood, but I think I became more aware of my control issues as a teenager when it came to doing the dishes. I liked the silverware to be facing down in the dishwasher so when it was clean you could just grab it by the handles and put it away; that way the part that is used to eat with doesn’t get smudged or dirty again. I also liked it organized so that all the forks were in one compartment, the knives were in another, and so on. I also like to be in control of my time, as far as being on-time to work, appointments, etc. This I know I learned from my mother because she is the exact opposite. As a kid she would call my grandparents’ house and say she would be home in half an hour; two hours later she would finally get there. My mother has always been late, and as a kid I was late to school nearly every day. This always bothered me, so as an adult I am really on top of being somewhere I said I was going to be at the time I said I was going to be there.
This basic issue has manifested itself in several areas of my life throughout the years. Once in high school when I was unloading the dishwasher and found that the silverware was all facing up and disorganized, I told my mother how I would prefer it to be the next time. She said, “This is the only thing you have control over in your life so you go overboard with it,” and she was angry with me for getting upset with her. It also came to life in a really ugly way with my ex-boyfriend, the victim of my domestic violence. I told him how to dress, how to drive, when he needed to get out of bed so we wouldn’t be late to class, that he needed to take a shower, that he needed to get a job, that he needed to stop doing drugs, and the list goes on and on. I am sure that he felt I was overbearing and that I was nagging him constantly, so naturally he was annoyed with me.
The way that my control issues have affected me is that they have brought a lot of stress into my life. I needed to have things a certain way at a certain time, and if they weren’t the way I wanted them to be I would freak out. I especially noticed them with my ex when he wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning; I didn’t want to be late and after twenty minutes of trying to wake him up nicely, I would start yelling at him and pushing him so he would finally get out of bed. This stressed me out beyond belief and made me very angry and resentful towards him.
I have been addressing this basic issue since I started taking this class in January. When it comes to making plans and hanging out with friends, I kind of just go with the flow now. I don’t freak out if plans get canceled or rescheduled. This has been very prevalent with my “guy friend” in the last few months. When we first started hanging out our schedules were pretty conflicting, so if plans were canceled I took a deep breath and told myself “It’s okay, it’s not going to work out this time, but there will be a more opportune time in the future.” Normally I would try to force things and really push going to get coffee or something, but with him I have really calmed down and let things develop naturally instead of forcefully. I think positive self-talk is my key to dealing with my control issues; I can’t let things get to me and I have to tell myself that everything is going to work out in the end.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
I truly believe that some things in life are simply meant to be.
And me literally almost running into Anthony Vincent Medo in January was one of those things.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Date or Soulmate: Must-Haves and Can't-Stands (Final)
Must-Haves
1. A Christian
-Similar views
-The relationship/love type, not the religion/fire and brimstone type
-Makes me want to grow in my relationship with God
-Can pray and go to church together
-Most important relationship in their life
2. Honest to a fault and has good manners
-Doesn't lie to anyone, ever
-I trust them with my life
-Doesn't cheat to get ahead
-Works hard to get to where he wants/needs to be
-Doesn't steal
-'Please's and 'thank you's to everyone in every situation
-Helps out if possible when at a friend's or family's house for dinner
-Treats wait staff respectfully
-Kind to everyone
-Doesn't make jokes at others' expense
3. Musically inclined and artistic
-Not necessarily a professional musician
-Preferably guitar and/or piano
-Plays on a regular basis and is passionate about it
-Appreciates art and enjoys going to museums
4. Fun and childlike in appropriate circumstances
-Can make me laugh
-Doesn't make fun of me constantly (it's fine every once in awhile, but it has to be mutual)
-Is willing to make a fool of himself and isn't embarrassed for it
-Will talk in random accents with me
-Loves kid movies
-Builds blanket forts and plays hide and go seek
-Dreams like a child would
-Nerdy
5. Intelligent with a good command of the English language
-College education
-Can have a meaningful conversation about current events and knows what he's talking about
-Can listen to others' opinions without being offended
-Grammatically correct
-Knows the differences and how to correctly use "your" and "you're," etc.
-Good speller and uses large words correctly
6. Warrior poet who is open and a good communicator
-Strong, both physically and emotionally
-Will protect me and make me feel safe
-Also sensitive and kind
-Isn't closed off about his past
-Isn't afraid to tell me how's he feeling about something if it's bothering him
-Open-minded and willing to listen to all sides of every story
7. Loves and wants kids and pets
-Wants to raise a happy and healthy family
-Wants pets, preferably cats but if they're allergic a dog will suffice
-Treats pets as if they were family
8. Gets along with my friends and family and I get along with theirs
-My friends and family get along well with and love him
-Becomes friends with my friends, not only friends with them because of me
-I like and feel comfortable with his family
-Has a good group of supportive friends that I really like and enjoy spending time with
9. Active but also can enjoy a day in
-Likes to play sports and get out of the house
-Not too competitive, but likes to win
-Encouraging to all playing
-Likes to spend a cold day inside watching movies and reading books
10. Decent style, good hygiene, and photogenic
-Not obsessed with his looks, but knows how to dress well and takes care of himself
-Showers daily, hair is always combed, brushes teeth often, wears clean clothes
-Doesn't mind having his picture taken
-Someone that inspires me to take pictures
-Doesn't put up a fight when I ask him to do something weird for a picture
Can't-Stands
1. No smoking or drugs
-Cigarettes, cigars, hookah, etc.
-Pot, pills, hard drugs, etc.
2. Limited alcohol
-Doesn't drink all the time, but when he does he knows how to handle himself and never gets out of hand
3. No Klingons!!! Or pushovers
-No codependency issues
-Has to be able to live his own life and let me live my own while dating
-If I don't text or call back immediately he can't freak out about it
-No pressing of an issue when I say I don't want to talk about it right then
-Needs to stand up for what he believes in
-Doesn't cave in to popular opinion
-Doesn't always defer to me for figuring out what to do; whether it be where to eat dinner or how to spend the day, etc.
4. Doesn't tell me or others what we want to hear
-Doesn't talk a big game
-Acts on his word and does what he says he's going to do
-Means what he says
-Tells the truth even if it hurts
5. Doesn't always have to be right or have the last word
-Can admit when he's wrong
-Can listen to different perspectives and see the value in them even if he doesn't necessarily agree with them
6. Isn't judgmental or pessimistic
-Sees the best in people
-Open-minded and willing to see value in others' opinions
-Tries to find the good in everything even if it's not a great situation
-Doesn't complain all the time about every little thing
7. Isn't shy
-My family is crazy and he needs to be just as crazy as the rest of us
-He needs to be comfortable in every situation and not close up like a turtle
-Makes conversation easily even in awkward situations
8. Doesn't forget things easily
-Remembers birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
-Remembers the little things that I might say and mentions them later on
-Remembers obligations and keeps them
9. Isn't quick to anger
-Patient and understanding
-If needed he will walk away if he's getting angry to take a break, but won't avoid or ignore the situation
-Never lets anger escalate to a physical level with me, pets, or inanimate objects
-Hardly ever yells
-Somebody that I can laugh with when we fight
10. Is not fiscally irresponsible
-Saves and spends money wisely with the occasional "fun" spending adventure
-Works hard for his money
-Never out of work
1. A Christian
-Similar views
-The relationship/love type, not the religion/fire and brimstone type
-Makes me want to grow in my relationship with God
-Can pray and go to church together
-Most important relationship in their life
2. Honest to a fault and has good manners
-Doesn't lie to anyone, ever
-I trust them with my life
-Doesn't cheat to get ahead
-Works hard to get to where he wants/needs to be
-Doesn't steal
-'Please's and 'thank you's to everyone in every situation
-Helps out if possible when at a friend's or family's house for dinner
-Treats wait staff respectfully
-Kind to everyone
-Doesn't make jokes at others' expense
3. Musically inclined and artistic
-Not necessarily a professional musician
-Preferably guitar and/or piano
-Plays on a regular basis and is passionate about it
-Appreciates art and enjoys going to museums
4. Fun and childlike in appropriate circumstances
-Can make me laugh
-Doesn't make fun of me constantly (it's fine every once in awhile, but it has to be mutual)
-Is willing to make a fool of himself and isn't embarrassed for it
-Will talk in random accents with me
-Loves kid movies
-Builds blanket forts and plays hide and go seek
-Dreams like a child would
-Nerdy
5. Intelligent with a good command of the English language
-College education
-Can have a meaningful conversation about current events and knows what he's talking about
-Can listen to others' opinions without being offended
-Grammatically correct
-Knows the differences and how to correctly use "your" and "you're," etc.
-Good speller and uses large words correctly
6. Warrior poet who is open and a good communicator
-Strong, both physically and emotionally
-Will protect me and make me feel safe
-Also sensitive and kind
-Isn't closed off about his past
-Isn't afraid to tell me how's he feeling about something if it's bothering him
-Open-minded and willing to listen to all sides of every story
7. Loves and wants kids and pets
-Wants to raise a happy and healthy family
-Wants pets, preferably cats but if they're allergic a dog will suffice
-Treats pets as if they were family
8. Gets along with my friends and family and I get along with theirs
-My friends and family get along well with and love him
-Becomes friends with my friends, not only friends with them because of me
-I like and feel comfortable with his family
-Has a good group of supportive friends that I really like and enjoy spending time with
9. Active but also can enjoy a day in
-Likes to play sports and get out of the house
-Not too competitive, but likes to win
-Encouraging to all playing
-Likes to spend a cold day inside watching movies and reading books
10. Decent style, good hygiene, and photogenic
-Not obsessed with his looks, but knows how to dress well and takes care of himself
-Showers daily, hair is always combed, brushes teeth often, wears clean clothes
-Doesn't mind having his picture taken
-Someone that inspires me to take pictures
-Doesn't put up a fight when I ask him to do something weird for a picture
Can't-Stands
1. No smoking or drugs
-Cigarettes, cigars, hookah, etc.
-Pot, pills, hard drugs, etc.
2. Limited alcohol
-Doesn't drink all the time, but when he does he knows how to handle himself and never gets out of hand
3. No Klingons!!! Or pushovers
-No codependency issues
-Has to be able to live his own life and let me live my own while dating
-If I don't text or call back immediately he can't freak out about it
-No pressing of an issue when I say I don't want to talk about it right then
-Needs to stand up for what he believes in
-Doesn't cave in to popular opinion
-Doesn't always defer to me for figuring out what to do; whether it be where to eat dinner or how to spend the day, etc.
4. Doesn't tell me or others what we want to hear
-Doesn't talk a big game
-Acts on his word and does what he says he's going to do
-Means what he says
-Tells the truth even if it hurts
5. Doesn't always have to be right or have the last word
-Can admit when he's wrong
-Can listen to different perspectives and see the value in them even if he doesn't necessarily agree with them
6. Isn't judgmental or pessimistic
-Sees the best in people
-Open-minded and willing to see value in others' opinions
-Tries to find the good in everything even if it's not a great situation
-Doesn't complain all the time about every little thing
7. Isn't shy
-My family is crazy and he needs to be just as crazy as the rest of us
-He needs to be comfortable in every situation and not close up like a turtle
-Makes conversation easily even in awkward situations
8. Doesn't forget things easily
-Remembers birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
-Remembers the little things that I might say and mentions them later on
-Remembers obligations and keeps them
9. Isn't quick to anger
-Patient and understanding
-If needed he will walk away if he's getting angry to take a break, but won't avoid or ignore the situation
-Never lets anger escalate to a physical level with me, pets, or inanimate objects
-Hardly ever yells
-Somebody that I can laugh with when we fight
10. Is not fiscally irresponsible
-Saves and spends money wisely with the occasional "fun" spending adventure
-Works hard for his money
-Never out of work
Date or Soulmate: Can't-Stand List (rough draft)
1. No smoking
-Cigarettes, cigars, hookah, etc.
2. No drugs
-Pot, pills, hard drugs, etc.
3. Limited alcohol
-Doesn't drink all the time, but when he does he knows how to handle himself and never gets out of hand
4. No Klingons!!!
-No codependency issues
-Has to be able to live his own life and let me live my own while dating
-If I don't text or call back immediately he can't freak out about it
-No pressing of an issue when I say I don't want to talk about it right then
5. Can't be lazy
-Gets done what he needs to get done in a timely manner
-Doesn't make excuses for why something didn't get done
6. Minimal swearing
-The occasional swear word isn't awful, but if it's all the time I can't stand that
7. Not pessimistic
-Tries to find the good in everything even if it's not a great situation
8. Not judgmental
-Sees the best in people
-Open-minded and willing to see value in others' opinions
9. Doesn't make a joke at someone else's expense
-Is kind to everyone
-Doesn't make fun of/pick on people
10. Cannot be fiscally irresponsible
-Saves and spends money wisely with the occasional "fun" spending adventure
11. Is not quick to anger
-Patient and understanding
-If needed he will walk away if he's getting angry to take a break, but won't avoid or ignore the situation
12. Doesn't always have to be right or have the last word
-Can admit when he's wrong
-Can listen to different perspectives and see the value in them even if he doesn't necessarily agree with them
13. Can't be shy
-My family is crazy and he needs to be just as crazy as the rest of us
-He needs to be comfortable in every situation and not close up like a turtle
-Makes conversation easily even in awkward situations
14. Can't be a bad driver
-Needs to be responsible on the road
-Aware of his surroundings
-No excessive speeding
-Smooth braking and turning
-Cigarettes, cigars, hookah, etc.
2. No drugs
-Pot, pills, hard drugs, etc.
3. Limited alcohol
-Doesn't drink all the time, but when he does he knows how to handle himself and never gets out of hand
4. No Klingons!!!
-No codependency issues
-Has to be able to live his own life and let me live my own while dating
-If I don't text or call back immediately he can't freak out about it
-No pressing of an issue when I say I don't want to talk about it right then
5. Can't be lazy
-Gets done what he needs to get done in a timely manner
-Doesn't make excuses for why something didn't get done
6. Minimal swearing
-The occasional swear word isn't awful, but if it's all the time I can't stand that
7. Not pessimistic
-Tries to find the good in everything even if it's not a great situation
8. Not judgmental
-Sees the best in people
-Open-minded and willing to see value in others' opinions
9. Doesn't make a joke at someone else's expense
-Is kind to everyone
-Doesn't make fun of/pick on people
10. Cannot be fiscally irresponsible
-Saves and spends money wisely with the occasional "fun" spending adventure
11. Is not quick to anger
-Patient and understanding
-If needed he will walk away if he's getting angry to take a break, but won't avoid or ignore the situation
12. Doesn't always have to be right or have the last word
-Can admit when he's wrong
-Can listen to different perspectives and see the value in them even if he doesn't necessarily agree with them
13. Can't be shy
-My family is crazy and he needs to be just as crazy as the rest of us
-He needs to be comfortable in every situation and not close up like a turtle
-Makes conversation easily even in awkward situations
14. Can't be a bad driver
-Needs to be responsible on the road
-Aware of his surroundings
-No excessive speeding
-Smooth braking and turning
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Date or Soulmate: Must-Have List (Rough Draft)
1. Christian
-Similar views
-The relationship/love type, not the religion/fire and brimstone type
-Makes me want to grow in my relationship with God
-Can pray and go to church together
-Most important relationship in their life
2. Musically inclined
-Not necessarily a professional musician
-Preferably guitar and/or piano
-Plays on a regular basis and is passionate about it
3. Grammatically correct
-Knows the differences and how to correctly use "your" and "you're," etc.
-Good speller and uses large words intelligently
4. Loves pets as if they were family
-Wants pets, preferably cats but if they're allergic a dog will suffice
5. Photogenic
-Doesn't mind having his picture taken
-Someone that inspires me to take pictures
-Doesn't put up a fight when I ask him to do something weird for a picture
6. Intelligent
-College education
-Can have a meaningful conversation about current events and knows what he's talking about
-Can listen to others' opinions without being offended
7. Fun
-Can make me laugh
-Doesn't make fun of me constantly (it's fine every once in awhile, but it has to be mutual)
-Is willing to make a fool of himself and isn't embarrassed for it
-Will talk in random accents with me
8. Childlike in appropriate circumstances
-Loves kid movies
-Builds blanket forts and plays hide and go seek
-Dreams like a child would
9. Enjoys cooking
-I'll do breakfast and sometimes lunch, but I'd like to leave dinner to him
10. Will help around the house
-Does his share of the housework and doesn't complain about it
-Willing to help me if I have a lot to get done
11. Gets along well with my family and friends
-Outgoing and comfortable in every circumstance
12. Warrior poet
-Strong, both physically and emotionally
-Will protect me and make me feel safe
-Also sensitive and kind
13. Tall
-Makes me feel small in a good way
14. Honest to a fault
-Doesn't lie to anyone, ever
-Doesn't cheat to get ahead
-Works hard to get to where he wants/needs to be
-Doesn't steal
15. Appreciates art
-Enjoys going to museums
16. Active but also can enjoy a day in
-Likes to play sports and get out of the house
-Not too competitive, but likes to win
-Encouraging to all playing
-Likes to spend a cold day inside watching movies and reading books
17. Wants and loves kids
-Wants to raise a happy and healthy family
18. Open
-Isn't closed off about his past
-Isn't afraid to tell me how's he feeling about something if it's bothering him
-Open-minded and willing to listen to all sides of every story
19. Has a close-knit family and good friends
-Will help out those close to him without hesitating
20. Similar taste in music
-MUST like Anberlin, even if it's only a little bit
-No metal, rap, or country
21. Nerdy
-Not afraid to admit it either
-Willing to make a fool of himself to have fun
22. Good memory
-Remembers birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
-Remembers the little things that I might say and mentions them later on
-Remembers obligations and keeps them
23. Appreciates the little things
-Someone that I can do cute things for who will love and appreciate them
-Someone that will do the same for me
24. Decent style
-Not obsessed with his looks, but knows how to dress well and takes care of himself
25. Good hygiene
-Showers daily, hair is always combed, brushes teeth often, wears clean clothes
26. Good manners
-Pleases and thank yous to everyone in every situation
-Helps out if possible when at a friend's or family's house for dinner
-Similar views
-The relationship/love type, not the religion/fire and brimstone type
-Makes me want to grow in my relationship with God
-Can pray and go to church together
-Most important relationship in their life
2. Musically inclined
-Not necessarily a professional musician
-Preferably guitar and/or piano
-Plays on a regular basis and is passionate about it
3. Grammatically correct
-Knows the differences and how to correctly use "your" and "you're," etc.
-Good speller and uses large words intelligently
4. Loves pets as if they were family
-Wants pets, preferably cats but if they're allergic a dog will suffice
5. Photogenic
-Doesn't mind having his picture taken
-Someone that inspires me to take pictures
-Doesn't put up a fight when I ask him to do something weird for a picture
6. Intelligent
-College education
-Can have a meaningful conversation about current events and knows what he's talking about
-Can listen to others' opinions without being offended
7. Fun
-Can make me laugh
-Doesn't make fun of me constantly (it's fine every once in awhile, but it has to be mutual)
-Is willing to make a fool of himself and isn't embarrassed for it
-Will talk in random accents with me
8. Childlike in appropriate circumstances
-Loves kid movies
-Builds blanket forts and plays hide and go seek
-Dreams like a child would
9. Enjoys cooking
-I'll do breakfast and sometimes lunch, but I'd like to leave dinner to him
10. Will help around the house
-Does his share of the housework and doesn't complain about it
-Willing to help me if I have a lot to get done
11. Gets along well with my family and friends
-Outgoing and comfortable in every circumstance
12. Warrior poet
-Strong, both physically and emotionally
-Will protect me and make me feel safe
-Also sensitive and kind
13. Tall
-Makes me feel small in a good way
14. Honest to a fault
-Doesn't lie to anyone, ever
-Doesn't cheat to get ahead
-Works hard to get to where he wants/needs to be
-Doesn't steal
15. Appreciates art
-Enjoys going to museums
16. Active but also can enjoy a day in
-Likes to play sports and get out of the house
-Not too competitive, but likes to win
-Encouraging to all playing
-Likes to spend a cold day inside watching movies and reading books
17. Wants and loves kids
-Wants to raise a happy and healthy family
18. Open
-Isn't closed off about his past
-Isn't afraid to tell me how's he feeling about something if it's bothering him
-Open-minded and willing to listen to all sides of every story
19. Has a close-knit family and good friends
-Will help out those close to him without hesitating
20. Similar taste in music
-MUST like Anberlin, even if it's only a little bit
-No metal, rap, or country
21. Nerdy
-Not afraid to admit it either
-Willing to make a fool of himself to have fun
22. Good memory
-Remembers birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
-Remembers the little things that I might say and mentions them later on
-Remembers obligations and keeps them
23. Appreciates the little things
-Someone that I can do cute things for who will love and appreciate them
-Someone that will do the same for me
24. Decent style
-Not obsessed with his looks, but knows how to dress well and takes care of himself
25. Good hygiene
-Showers daily, hair is always combed, brushes teeth often, wears clean clothes
26. Good manners
-Pleases and thank yous to everyone in every situation
-Helps out if possible when at a friend's or family's house for dinner
Monday, January 21, 2013
Jail/Court/DVOR
Basically I shouldn't have been with him to begin with. I was going to break up with him two weeks into us dating, but didn't. I really should have. Just know that he's been addicted to pills for years and at multiple points in our relationship he told me he had stopped, but I don't think he ever really did.
In December of last year I told him that I didn't think I was in love with him like I should have been. He then started to rip up some of my books (and his own, thinking they were mine, ha) and he broke the cd he got me for my birthday. I snapped. I started hitting him and then scratched his back deep enough to make him bleed, and I left scars. Bad scars. My parents broke it up, but stupidly I still stayed with him.
In February he was late to hang out with me, so when he finally got to my house I was already pissed off. We started fighting, and he was going to leave. I went out to say goodbye to him when he was sitting in his car, door open, and on the phone. I looked down into the little door handle area and saw 20-30 pills. He told me they weren't his, but he had a history of selling them. (He stole money from me and also stole my step-dad's Vicodin.) I had told him to begin with that if he was hanging out with people that did pills, it was over.
Anyway, I grabbed all the pills, went out to my back deck, and threw them into my backyard. I then went back to his car, grabbed his hair, and threw him on the ground. And then we started beating the crap out of each other. I know at one point he hit my head pretty hard against the ground, and later he had me against the garage door and was choking me. It was at that point that the neighbor came over and pulled him off of me and told him never to come back here again. The fight was COMPLETELY mutual, I just don't remember what all I did to him, I just know that I had every intention of seriously hurting him.
After he left I called one of my best friends from church and she called the cops just to have them come make sure that we were all okay and stuff. I told the cops what happened, and admitted I had started it, and so they took me to jail. I was just in holding for a couple of hours and then they let me go.
I thought the charges had been dropped, but then in August I got a notice to appear in court. Granted, in June he filed a false police report against me after I had him arrested for trespassing (that's another story entirely), and so that got this all back into motion. And so now I go to trial in December, so we'll see.
(I don't remember writing this, but I'll pick up where this left off.)
It's now January and when I went to court in December I had to decide whether or not to take the case to trial. I decided against it because if Beau had shown up to court I would most likely be convicted since I admitted that I was the one that started the fight. So instead I opted to take the DVOR classes for 32 weeks (it's a domestic violence awareness and prevention program basically). I started going on January 8th and I should be done on August 13th; it's $43 per class.
In December of last year I told him that I didn't think I was in love with him like I should have been. He then started to rip up some of my books (and his own, thinking they were mine, ha) and he broke the cd he got me for my birthday. I snapped. I started hitting him and then scratched his back deep enough to make him bleed, and I left scars. Bad scars. My parents broke it up, but stupidly I still stayed with him.
In February he was late to hang out with me, so when he finally got to my house I was already pissed off. We started fighting, and he was going to leave. I went out to say goodbye to him when he was sitting in his car, door open, and on the phone. I looked down into the little door handle area and saw 20-30 pills. He told me they weren't his, but he had a history of selling them. (He stole money from me and also stole my step-dad's Vicodin.) I had told him to begin with that if he was hanging out with people that did pills, it was over.
Anyway, I grabbed all the pills, went out to my back deck, and threw them into my backyard. I then went back to his car, grabbed his hair, and threw him on the ground. And then we started beating the crap out of each other. I know at one point he hit my head pretty hard against the ground, and later he had me against the garage door and was choking me. It was at that point that the neighbor came over and pulled him off of me and told him never to come back here again. The fight was COMPLETELY mutual, I just don't remember what all I did to him, I just know that I had every intention of seriously hurting him.
After he left I called one of my best friends from church and she called the cops just to have them come make sure that we were all okay and stuff. I told the cops what happened, and admitted I had started it, and so they took me to jail. I was just in holding for a couple of hours and then they let me go.
I thought the charges had been dropped, but then in August I got a notice to appear in court. Granted, in June he filed a false police report against me after I had him arrested for trespassing (that's another story entirely), and so that got this all back into motion. And so now I go to trial in December, so we'll see.
(I don't remember writing this, but I'll pick up where this left off.)
It's now January and when I went to court in December I had to decide whether or not to take the case to trial. I decided against it because if Beau had shown up to court I would most likely be convicted since I admitted that I was the one that started the fight. So instead I opted to take the DVOR classes for 32 weeks (it's a domestic violence awareness and prevention program basically). I started going on January 8th and I should be done on August 13th; it's $43 per class.
Date or Soulmate: Know Yourself
1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
Ryan Gregory Miller. I love him more than words can say. We will have been friends for 10 years as of next month (February 11th to be exact) and I don't know what I would do without him. I sometimes believe that he is my soulmate but he just happens to be gay. We have been through so much together, we've had our good and bad times, but we always find our way back to each other. There have been a couple of times throughout our relationship that we've kind of grown apart and we've "broken up" but it never lasts long. We didn't talk for a long time when Beau and I were dating because Beau wasn't okay with the fact that Ryan's gay. But I found my way back to my best friend. And when we have issues with one another we can talk about it, fix it, and move on. We also are able to have the world's stupidest conversations, but we can also be serious and have heartfelt conversations along with intelligent ones. He's pretty much everything I want in a guy.
2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
Having a family. I want that more than anything in the world. I want to get married and have three kids and just be a great mom and wife. I want to wake up early on Saturday mornings and make breakfast for my kids and drive them to school and pick them up and play sports with them. This is the one thing that I cannot wait to have happen.
3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you angry?
Beau did. He hasn't been a part of my life since last June (so 7 months now), but I had never known that I was capable of the anger that he managed to pull out of me. The thing that got to me the most was his incessant lying; I never knew what to believe. His laziness, his ability to say all the right things but never to act on his words, the fact that he had a job for only 2 months and didn't care about looking for another after he was fired, his cheating on tests and projects, the way he manipulated everything to make it everyone else's fault except for his own, his lack of responsibility and self-discipline, not to mention the drugs.
And then there is Marinda. She doesn't make me angry so much as she just annoys me. She's a sweet girl and I love her, but sometimes I feel like I'm dating her. And that is a really uncomfortable thing. She's really needy, both physically and emotionally. She hugs me like a girl would hug a guy and she's a barnacle sometimes. She apologizes for everything and far too often, when no apology is even needed. She texts too much and when I don't reply she keeps texting. She has scared me into believing that I bother people when I text them.
4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable?
My mama. Like any child I have messed up big time on multiple occasions, but she still loves me and is there for me. Even when I'm tired and grouchy she still loves me and will make me coffee. She loves my friends like they were her own and I love that about her.
5. What is it like being you? More precisely, how do you feel about yourself - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
Physically - Well I gained about 10 pounds last June when all the crap went down with Beau (the trespassing at the Herzoffs' and then him stealing my phone), and I haven't lost it all yet. For the most part I am very comfortable in my skin though. Sure I would like to be a little thinner, but I've always been overweight. I just want to be healthy now and I'm pretty active, so I'm alright with my body.
Emotionally - I have trust issues up the wazoo now because of Beau. I've also become rather cynical in my view of love in the past year, but overall I'd say I'm pretty emotionally stable. I'm a little afraid of relationships, but I don't know if that necessarily falls under the "emotional" category.
Mentally - Pretty much the same as the answer above. I'm more skeptical of everyone now though.
Spiritually - I feel like I've become a bit numb in my relationship with Jesus. I've distanced myself from Him in the past few months and I'm trying to get back on track, but it feels like the harder I try the more and more lost I become.
6. When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration? How does it feel when you are inspired?
The sunrise is pretty much my favorite thing in the world. I love early mornings, but I hate waking up early. The pink haze of pre-dawn never ceases to make me want to take pictures and just love life. Music also inspires a lot of my art. When I am inspired I just want to get whatever it is in my head out into the real world; I want to draw it, make it, take pictures of it, and I want to do it NOW. I'll mess up my room trying to find/do exactly what I need in order to make it happen, and I feel accomplished and happy afterwards.
7. What is the most important thing in the world to you?
Love. Loving my family, my friends, nature, art, knowledge, everything. I want to love others and I want others to see the beauty in everything around them.
8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
I think I would want to spend it with Ryan honestly. He is my favorite person in the world and I love him to the moon. I would want to do stupid kid things and enjoy every second of the day with him. Whether it be going to the park, skinny dipping, driving around a singing/screaming at the top of our lungs, eating at diners, running at seagulls, anything as long as I was with him I would be happy.
9. When do you feel most afraid?
I don't feel afraid generally. Sometimes if I wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream or I hear an out of place noise I get a little freaked out, but nothing major.
10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
To have a family and raise my kids to be caring, loving, and strong individuals.
11. What bores you? What always bores you, and what never bores you?
I don't get bored all that easily, I'm rather easily amused. I do tune out of conversations that revolve too heavily around sports. I love sports, both watching and playing, but when people get too into it and get mad at players or refs and that's all they talk about, then I get bored. Movies generally keep me entertained and I love just sitting with someone and listening to mutually-liked music.
12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it, and what income level do you aspire to?
Money is important only because we all need it to get by, but it's not that important. I'm not greedy and I don't think about it all that often. The income level I aspire to is just a place that I am comfortable and can go on vacation if I want to and not have to worry about it. Honestly I would like my husband to have a good-paying job that he loves and then I would only have to work if I wanted to.
13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you?
God is my creator and my father. I would like to say that God is a huge part of my life, but recently (like I said in number 5) I feel like I've become distanced from Him in the recent months. I feel like I need to be broken and in utter, desperate need of Him, but I don't know what it would take. Also like I said in number 5, I feel the harder I try the greater the distance becomes between us. I'm currently on the serve team for the Awakening, so I show up an hour early to pray and help set things up, then I do Awakening U on Sundays, and I'm doing 30+, but I feel like I'm going through the motions right now and I hate it. I want to be passionate about Him, but it seems like whatever I need to do I just do the opposite, but not on purpose, that's just what happens.
14. In order, what are you three strongest interests?
Things-
A) Photography/art/creativity in general
B) Movies and music
C) Sports
(That was hard for me. Photography is my number one and that's all I could think of right off the bat.)
Non-things-
A) Loving my friends and family
B) Making friends
C) Loving others
15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
Beau. I wouldn't call him my "enemy" per se, but he's the most enemy-like person in my life. The how and why are explained in number 3.
16. How important is food to you? Do you think of it very often, and do you feel disciplined in your management of food intake?
I love food. End of story. I like good food, not just the basic fried chicken, mashed potatoes, etc. I need to become more disciplined for sure. I eat like crap most of the time at work on my lunch and I definitely need to change that. I like going out to eat at "fancy" (but reasonably priced) restaurants and I like to try new things.
17. Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you - or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like?
Appealing, but it also terrifies me. I'm scared that I will fall out of love with the man I marry at some point and I don't understand how you can love only one person for the great majority of your life. But I want to, I want that more than anything.
18. Do you think of yourself as an emotionally healthy person? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement?
Generally speaking I do believe I am emotionally healthy. I know that I have a family history of depression on my mom's side, which I did experience in high school for almost two years. Also mentioned above is the fact that I have trust issues now because of Beau, but other than that I truly believe that I'm pretty solid.
19. What is the role of conflict in your life? Do you argue or fight very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out for you?
I hardly argue with anyone. I get annoyed with Marinda the most, but then I just ignore her for awhile and things are fine. She freaks out but I could care less and I'm fine with everything.
20. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral?
That I was a loving mother, wife, and friend that cared for her children's friends as much as she cared for her own. That I was a talented artist that saw everything as something beautiful and helped others to see that beauty even though it wasn't always apparent. That I will be missed but never forgotten and always loved by those I left behind.
Ryan Gregory Miller. I love him more than words can say. We will have been friends for 10 years as of next month (February 11th to be exact) and I don't know what I would do without him. I sometimes believe that he is my soulmate but he just happens to be gay. We have been through so much together, we've had our good and bad times, but we always find our way back to each other. There have been a couple of times throughout our relationship that we've kind of grown apart and we've "broken up" but it never lasts long. We didn't talk for a long time when Beau and I were dating because Beau wasn't okay with the fact that Ryan's gay. But I found my way back to my best friend. And when we have issues with one another we can talk about it, fix it, and move on. We also are able to have the world's stupidest conversations, but we can also be serious and have heartfelt conversations along with intelligent ones. He's pretty much everything I want in a guy.
2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
Having a family. I want that more than anything in the world. I want to get married and have three kids and just be a great mom and wife. I want to wake up early on Saturday mornings and make breakfast for my kids and drive them to school and pick them up and play sports with them. This is the one thing that I cannot wait to have happen.
3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you angry?
Beau did. He hasn't been a part of my life since last June (so 7 months now), but I had never known that I was capable of the anger that he managed to pull out of me. The thing that got to me the most was his incessant lying; I never knew what to believe. His laziness, his ability to say all the right things but never to act on his words, the fact that he had a job for only 2 months and didn't care about looking for another after he was fired, his cheating on tests and projects, the way he manipulated everything to make it everyone else's fault except for his own, his lack of responsibility and self-discipline, not to mention the drugs.
And then there is Marinda. She doesn't make me angry so much as she just annoys me. She's a sweet girl and I love her, but sometimes I feel like I'm dating her. And that is a really uncomfortable thing. She's really needy, both physically and emotionally. She hugs me like a girl would hug a guy and she's a barnacle sometimes. She apologizes for everything and far too often, when no apology is even needed. She texts too much and when I don't reply she keeps texting. She has scared me into believing that I bother people when I text them.
4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable?
My mama. Like any child I have messed up big time on multiple occasions, but she still loves me and is there for me. Even when I'm tired and grouchy she still loves me and will make me coffee. She loves my friends like they were her own and I love that about her.
5. What is it like being you? More precisely, how do you feel about yourself - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
Physically - Well I gained about 10 pounds last June when all the crap went down with Beau (the trespassing at the Herzoffs' and then him stealing my phone), and I haven't lost it all yet. For the most part I am very comfortable in my skin though. Sure I would like to be a little thinner, but I've always been overweight. I just want to be healthy now and I'm pretty active, so I'm alright with my body.
Emotionally - I have trust issues up the wazoo now because of Beau. I've also become rather cynical in my view of love in the past year, but overall I'd say I'm pretty emotionally stable. I'm a little afraid of relationships, but I don't know if that necessarily falls under the "emotional" category.
Mentally - Pretty much the same as the answer above. I'm more skeptical of everyone now though.
Spiritually - I feel like I've become a bit numb in my relationship with Jesus. I've distanced myself from Him in the past few months and I'm trying to get back on track, but it feels like the harder I try the more and more lost I become.
6. When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration? How does it feel when you are inspired?
The sunrise is pretty much my favorite thing in the world. I love early mornings, but I hate waking up early. The pink haze of pre-dawn never ceases to make me want to take pictures and just love life. Music also inspires a lot of my art. When I am inspired I just want to get whatever it is in my head out into the real world; I want to draw it, make it, take pictures of it, and I want to do it NOW. I'll mess up my room trying to find/do exactly what I need in order to make it happen, and I feel accomplished and happy afterwards.
7. What is the most important thing in the world to you?
Love. Loving my family, my friends, nature, art, knowledge, everything. I want to love others and I want others to see the beauty in everything around them.
8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
I think I would want to spend it with Ryan honestly. He is my favorite person in the world and I love him to the moon. I would want to do stupid kid things and enjoy every second of the day with him. Whether it be going to the park, skinny dipping, driving around a singing/screaming at the top of our lungs, eating at diners, running at seagulls, anything as long as I was with him I would be happy.
9. When do you feel most afraid?
I don't feel afraid generally. Sometimes if I wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream or I hear an out of place noise I get a little freaked out, but nothing major.
10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
To have a family and raise my kids to be caring, loving, and strong individuals.
11. What bores you? What always bores you, and what never bores you?
I don't get bored all that easily, I'm rather easily amused. I do tune out of conversations that revolve too heavily around sports. I love sports, both watching and playing, but when people get too into it and get mad at players or refs and that's all they talk about, then I get bored. Movies generally keep me entertained and I love just sitting with someone and listening to mutually-liked music.
12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it, and what income level do you aspire to?
Money is important only because we all need it to get by, but it's not that important. I'm not greedy and I don't think about it all that often. The income level I aspire to is just a place that I am comfortable and can go on vacation if I want to and not have to worry about it. Honestly I would like my husband to have a good-paying job that he loves and then I would only have to work if I wanted to.
13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you?
God is my creator and my father. I would like to say that God is a huge part of my life, but recently (like I said in number 5) I feel like I've become distanced from Him in the recent months. I feel like I need to be broken and in utter, desperate need of Him, but I don't know what it would take. Also like I said in number 5, I feel the harder I try the greater the distance becomes between us. I'm currently on the serve team for the Awakening, so I show up an hour early to pray and help set things up, then I do Awakening U on Sundays, and I'm doing 30+, but I feel like I'm going through the motions right now and I hate it. I want to be passionate about Him, but it seems like whatever I need to do I just do the opposite, but not on purpose, that's just what happens.
14. In order, what are you three strongest interests?
Things-
A) Photography/art/creativity in general
B) Movies and music
C) Sports
(That was hard for me. Photography is my number one and that's all I could think of right off the bat.)
Non-things-
A) Loving my friends and family
B) Making friends
C) Loving others
15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
Beau. I wouldn't call him my "enemy" per se, but he's the most enemy-like person in my life. The how and why are explained in number 3.
16. How important is food to you? Do you think of it very often, and do you feel disciplined in your management of food intake?
I love food. End of story. I like good food, not just the basic fried chicken, mashed potatoes, etc. I need to become more disciplined for sure. I eat like crap most of the time at work on my lunch and I definitely need to change that. I like going out to eat at "fancy" (but reasonably priced) restaurants and I like to try new things.
17. Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you - or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like?
Appealing, but it also terrifies me. I'm scared that I will fall out of love with the man I marry at some point and I don't understand how you can love only one person for the great majority of your life. But I want to, I want that more than anything.
18. Do you think of yourself as an emotionally healthy person? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement?
Generally speaking I do believe I am emotionally healthy. I know that I have a family history of depression on my mom's side, which I did experience in high school for almost two years. Also mentioned above is the fact that I have trust issues now because of Beau, but other than that I truly believe that I'm pretty solid.
19. What is the role of conflict in your life? Do you argue or fight very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out for you?
I hardly argue with anyone. I get annoyed with Marinda the most, but then I just ignore her for awhile and things are fine. She freaks out but I could care less and I'm fine with everything.
20. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral?
That I was a loving mother, wife, and friend that cared for her children's friends as much as she cared for her own. That I was a talented artist that saw everything as something beautiful and helped others to see that beauty even though it wasn't always apparent. That I will be missed but never forgotten and always loved by those I left behind.
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