SPOILED

so I got on the internet around 7:30 tonight and on the AIM homepage it had a picture of the 2 Davids on American Idol and the caption "Can Cook Still Win It All?" so I clicked on it because I thought it would have a recap of last nights performances and analysis and whatnot.
but I was WRONG.
biggest mistake of my life.
it was then and there that I found out David Cook had won.
I was sooooooo fucking pissed off at myself for it. it ruined it all. absolutely RUINED it.
they should have freaking spoiler alerts or something. so fucking stupid.


and once they announced David Cook as the winner on the show, it wasn't as momentous as it should have been.
I should've jumped out of my seat and screamed with joy and started running around I would've been so excited.
but no. it was all ruined.
ruined.

I hate boys (and escargot)

I feel like suuuuuuuuch an idiot when I'm around Nich. I never feel as self-concious as I do around him.
I don't get it. like he acts like he's okay w/ me but at the same time he's such a freaking jackass.
whatever. it doesn't even matter.

on a better note, tonight was my French classes dinner at Mrs. Wilson's house. it was mad fun.
it was sooooooooooooo great.
good food, good people, GREAT entertainment.
it was amazing. :D

Uncle Wes

he is by FAR the coolest uncle in the entire world.
he calls me "Candachi" like Italian-ish. lol.
he's amazing.
he's building a little play theatre called Nuppet Theatre and it has everything an actual stage would.

lights, pulleys, levers, curtain, wires, everything!

one of the things I love most about him is that he's such a kid.

he's like 80 years old and he still acts like he's 12. he's so young at heart and it's great.

he was watching some news show and he was sitting on floor cross-legged 3 feet from the television set watching and listening intently. it was hilarious.

another quality I really admire in him is that he's open to change.

like I said, he's 80 years old but he's down with cell phones, navigational systems (robots as he calls them), internet (YouTube even), and any number of other modern-day technology.

plus, I don't think he's nearly as uptight about politics and religion as his sisters are (my grandmother and aunt).

he's so cool.

and after dinner Auggie (my grandparents' cat) was walking around so then Uncle Wes decided to crawl around on the floor to play with her. it was so amusing.

omg omg omg! I almost forgot!

he's like IN LOVE with deviled eggs so Starshine offered him the last 2.

my grandmother said "Eat them Wes. There's a whole bunch more in the fridge."

so Uncle Wes opened his mouth (which was already full of deviled eggs) and said "Don't tell me that."

it was absolutely hilarious.

another funny story that I love about him is the pea story.

when he was young, their family went over to a neighbor's house for dinner.

he was told by his mother that if they were served peas he was to eat them all (my Uncle Wes HATED peas).

so naturally peas were served with the meal. so he scarfed them all down really quick.

and the neighbor lady was like "Oh! You must love your peas," so she scooped him another serving.

too great for words. :)

a reason for broken wings

I've been standing in your shadow since we were kids
everybody always liked you more than me
everybody thought you were cooler than me
everybody tried to be your best friend
I never tried because I knew I couldn't win
I accepted the fact that I would never compare to you
I'm used to people telling me how amazing, how funny, how cool, how pretty you are
I always take the back seat
and for the most part, I'm okay with that
I'm accustomed to being second best in every relationship I've ever had
it gets tiresome at times, but I know I can't do anything to change it
I'm helpless, hopeless
I still love you
always have, always will

Exitentialism On Prom Night

TJ: Do you still want the cookie dough?
Me&Alex: Touch my: body, earlobe, eyebrow, knee cap, hamstring, ankle, oboe, shoulder, nostril, nose hair, stomach, booby, booty, pinky, etc.
Me: Sensual Seduction
Me to Melissa: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE???!!!
Me like 100x: DOOD!!!!
Me after being scared by a lady on the elevator: oh la la!
Ted: You don't want to hold him. He pees.
Me&Amber&Alexandrea: WHAT?! what? what?? What?

-----------------------------------------------------------

so Saturday Ryan, Alexandrea, and I woke up around 10 because Mel called. :/
we lied in bed for like an hour before we got up and scoured the kitchen for something to eat.
nothing.
so we went to Taco Bell. then Al and I came home and showered and then went over to Melissa's so she could do my hair.
then we came back home and I painted my nails and shaved my legs and we got ready.
by the time we had to go to the duck pond I was just feeling so blase about the whole thing, I didn't really care and I wasn't looking forward to it very much.

then we got there and took a few pictures blah blah blah.
(oh, and when Kaitlyn's sister or somebody was taking one of the pictures Amber grabbed my booty and I started laughing. it was funny.)
then we headed down to Chico for dinner.

we got to Crush 201 and everybody was there except Zach. but in all honesty, I didn't really care that much.
so we had crab cakes, sliders, and meat balls as appetizers. delicious! beyond belief.
so then Al and I decided to go to the bathroom, which was down in the basement. when we were coming back up the elevator made a weird noise that sounded like a snap so we were like AHHHH!
dinner had arrived by the time we got back. I orded the Roasted Chicken Breast that came with little pasta things and broccoli in cheese and onion sauces. incredibly delicious. I was looking around the table to see what everybody else had gotten and a few people ordered the eggplant spaghetti and I noticed that one guy (who I later found out his name was Nich) had ordered what I had ordered.
I think by that point he had already stolen my sunglasses.
and at some point he and Amber kept staring at me and I was like 'what the heck?!' I was supa confused but it was really funny.
then Al and I went to the bathroom again and when we were getting back in to go back up the door opened and I screamed. well kind of. I just said "oh la la" in a frightened tone because there was a lady in there and I hadn't expected it. hahahaha.

then Al, TJ, and I headed over to prom, in Zach's truck, which was held at the Elk's Lodge by PV.
I checked my stuff into Coat Check and then we went into the main room.
it was pretty cool. I saw Heather almost immediately. :)
98% of the people looked realllllllllly good :) Ashley Beaudis looked soooooooooo cute!!!!!!
then we went outside for a bit and as we were walking back inside I heard someone call my name so I turned around and yelled "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!!"
it was Melissa! she told us all she wasn't going to prom. it was pretty fantasic! I was absolutely shocked. I felt like a prize idiot b/c she was wearing the dress she made at my house. so it all happened right under my nose. it was pretty funny. and her date Matt was pretty cute. hahah. :)

so we mingled for awhile and eventually ended up on the dance floor. for a slow dance of all things. to "Bubbly" by Colbie Callet. I hated that song, but it's not so bad anymore. lol.
we danced to other songs too. like "Sensual Seduction". lmfao!!!!
I saw Melie dirty dancing! it was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!

at some point I went to the bathroom to freshen up and I saw my friend Ashley who I used to play softball with eons ago who I hadn't seen in years! it was crazy cool!!!!
and I saw Race, Jordon, Tim Lechlinski, and Matt Cast I believe singing karoke to "I Feel Like A Woman"! lmfao!!!!
we took prom pictures and did all that fun stuff too.
then we danced to the last song and waited for the Coat Check line to go down before we left.
then as we were leaving I realized Nich still had my sunglasses so I went up to him and asked him for them.
he was like "oh, I have to go back inside and get them" so I was like "are you serious?! you left them in there??" and he was like "well I thought I had them on me, I honestly did" so I started like freaking out.
I love those shades like nobody's business! I was pissed and then I went over to say goodnight to Amber, and low and behold, there they were, on her FACE. lol!
I told her she could keep them till Monday. :)
oh, and as we were leaving Mrs. Ogren or somebody said, "Drive safely."

so then TJ, Zach, Alex, and I went over to Safeway to get some cookie dough and drinks.
then Zach took us out to this field so we could look at the stars. by the time we got out there it was like 12:40.
it was bumpy and we were basically off-roading for awhile.
and then, and THEN, we got stuck in mud.
yes, you read that correctly, we got stuck in mud. after prom. mud. stuck. prom. STUCK. in mud. yes.
so Zach got out and started digging the mud out from under the back tires. like he actually got UNDER the truck. in the mud. and he was using a window cleaning mop thingy to dig with. it was quite amusing. so he was digging for about an hour before we decided to try and push the truck. DID NOT WORK.
so we were all like "What should we do??"
TJ suggested calling the cops to take us home. :/
and we knew we couldn't call Zach's parents b/c they'd be SUPER pissed.
and Alexandrea didn't have her AAA card w/ her.
so I was like "well, I could probably call my parents. my mom would probably find it amusing."
so I did and I was like "Hey Starshine. K, funny story. (pointless banter) and now we're stuck in some mud."
he said he'd call back once he thought about it.
after a few phone calls and worry, he said he and Mom were leaving in 5 minutes to come help us.
then when they got down to Safeway and stuff my mom called to ask where exactly we were. it was at this point I told her we had cookie dough and she was like "Ooh! Save me some!" it was hilarious.
so after like 5 minutes of telling them to turn right, turn left, LOOK LEFT, go straight, LOOK LEFT!!! they finally found us out in the middle of the field. it was around 3 at this point.
so then Starshine hooked up the rope thing to Zach's hitch and tried pulling him out.
it was scary. and it wasn't working. so we all started freaking out.
but then he tried again and really punched on the gas and VOILA! he pulled Zach's truck out!
we were thrilled! and we went back to look at where we were to see how deep we were in the mud and we dug ourselves pretty deep, at least a foot or so.
then we drove to the Safeway gas station so my mother could take pictures of us. lmfao.
then she was like "Do you wanna go to Denny's to celebrate?"
as we were getting into the cars TJ asks my mom "Do you still want the cookie dough?" hahahahaha. it was brilliant!

so we went to Denny's at like 3:30 in the morning. and we ate some food.
and it was great.
we ended up getting home at like 5 and Alexandrea and I went STRAIGHT to bed. we were out like lights.
then she woke me up around noon. lol.
and my mom came in and told us she had talked to my Uncle Jim and he said that if we had called a tow truck, we would have been fined $150 per tire for trespassing on private property. but the thing is there weren't any signs that said "No Trespassing" or anything.
but still. and TJ wanted to call the cops. what a boy. hahah.

so needless to say, this was a prom experience I will NEVER ever ever ever EVER forget. :)

THIS IS PARALYSIS: old stuff

6/24/07: the skin that's stretched across your bones

I just want to be left alone but I'm so effing lonely. I'm tired of this crap. like I don't want to talk to anybody but people like Elnora and Olivia. and Elnora's in friggin Europe. arg. I hate this. not to mention that I feel like shit. I just want to sit and cry my eyes out, but I can't. I don't even know. I'm just like bleh. I hate being alone, but I'm like 'don't freakin' talk to me'. it's so weird. I hate this.

8/26/07: you were in my dreams. half human half machine.

so I had some crazy weird dreams last night. I had like a million too. one was were I had to cross this swamp/desert things and I fell into the mud-water stuff and just kept falling and falling and falling and falling and I thought I was going to die until somebody grabbed my hair and pulled me out. and then I was covered in slime and stuff. and the guy that grabbed me helped us across the desert. on the left side of the desert were these weird nymphy things dressed in black flowy fabric, and on the right side were the same nymphy things dressed in colorful flowy fabric. and then our tour guide was in love w/ some friend of mine and she kissed him before he died. yeah. I really don't know.
either before or after that one I was here in Paradise and all the Disney Club people moved up here. and I saw Steven who none of us have seen in like FOREVER. so he was trying to get me to talk about the cuts on my arm but we never had a chance b/c people were always around us and I wanted to tell him in private. and then he had to leave or something. but he left his AIM stuff up on his computer and I read it. it said that Ben had died like a week earlier and then it said "you can't count on anyone else to mend your heart except for yourself."

9/24/07: we laugh in the face of love because nobody's really there, nobody's real

I'm so over the gimmick commonly known as love. I'm just so over it. I used be in love with the idea of falling in love, but now, it just seems worthless to me. love just seems to mess everything up. friendships can be ruined, lives as a whole can be turned upside down if something goes wrong. sure love can be a wonderful thing, but the idea just seems so lame to me now. I'm just so tired of seeing it everywhere. billboards, commercials, tv shows, movies, at school, around town, EVERYWHERE!!!! it just gets old after awhile. I was watching Shakespeare In Love this weekend and I used to think it was the sweetest movie ever, but now it kind of makes me sick. it's sick how disgustingly sweet their love is. it just gets OLD. and I was reading New Moon this weekend too and it's just like holy freaking crap! I'm tired of reading about this obsession. (it is a good book though). at this point, I honestly have no interest in love. it seriously makes me want to throw up.

and it really pisses me off that teenagers in relationships that have only been going for a few weeks, even less, are already saying "I love you" when they still don't know what love is. it really makes me angry. as if you can fall in love with someone after having just freaking met them!!!

I HATE LOVE

10/11/07: Candace Parker: Greatest Arsonist of All Time

I feel like I'm alone on an island that is connected to the rest of society by a series of bridges.
I can only get off the island by crossing said bridges.
only problem: I've burned them all.
burned the bridges with my friends, but most of all, with my family.
I have no hope of ever getting off this damn isolated island.
although, one bridge has been in the process of a slow rebuild, slow, but steady.
and I'm so incredibly grateful for that.
without that one bridge I think I would die.
and if that bridge takes too long to rebuild or collapses, I think I'll return to my February state.
although, I already revisted last night.

I really should be given the title of 'Greatest Arsonist', I've done so well.

12/31/07: I'm sorry for 2007

It started off like any other year.
But subtle changes had already been made.
And even greater changes were in the works.
January: fine and dandy
ON THE SURFACE
February: first wave of depression
9 EXPIRED PAIN KILLERS
March: depression carried on
FIRST BOYFRIENDS
April: depression still lingering
UNDERNEATH
May: depression reached new heights
AP TESTS
June: a new look
SCISSORS
July: happiness returns for a moment
BLISS
August: strain on relationships
HIDDEN
September: relationships under pressure
BUCKLE
October: burning bridges
BREAK DOWN
November: starting over
REBUILD
December: selfishness returns
I'M SORRY

I'd be lying if I said this year has been a complete letdown.
it wasn't.
it just happened to be full of ups and downs, and for me it was mostly down.
but the highs were wonderful.
I had the best summer I've ever had in my entire life. nights w/ Elnora (hilarious!), Thursday Night Markets w/ Elle, O, T-Mama, Holly, and many others, Harry Potter, movies, just an overall great summer.
I've tried some things that I never thought I would, well not for a few more years at least. I try not to regret anything, but how I regret September and October. and I regret being so selfish. I'm trying so hard to think of others, but for some reason, it all relates back to me. and I don't want it to anymore. I want to help somebody, I want to be that friend that's always there.
this year also helped me realize I want to get the hell out of this place, it's not where I belong anymore. I need to find myself in some other place where no one knows my name. I need to live life on my own. and most of all GROW UP. I can't keep running from the things I fear, I have to face them head on and give them all I got.

so here's to a new year my friends. drink up while you can.

friends w/ bennies and more

so lately I've been talking to Zatch. a lot. like for the past week, until 2 every morning. which means I get 5 hours of sleep. not healthy.
in the past 9 days I've lost about 10 pounds. and I've been dry heaving every morning.
but it's worth it. lol.

Zach and I are going to prom together and I got the most wonderful dress. it looks like Belle's dress from Beauty & the Beast. we'll probably go to Penney's to pick it up Sunday.
anyways, Zatch has a friend w/ bennies and they fight all the time and blah blah blah. not a healthy relationship at all. and he told me he wants to date me after prom and such. it amazes me really.
but I don't really know anymore b/c of his whole relationship w/ Mariah and all. I'm so used to being second best all the time and I don't want that. goodness I'm so confused right now.

lately I've been thinking about falling in love and such. and I think I'm in love with the idea of it, but I'm terrified of it actually happening. I'm always the one rooting for the underdog and I love stories of unrequited love. and I feel like I'm always the underdog, always the one who's love is unrequited. and I feel like that's how it's always supposed to be. I know it's not, but that's how it feels. I'm just so confused about everything right now. as well as scared shitless.

but on a really good note, I think Elnora and I are getting better again. I just miss having someone who's always there. a best friend in essence. so hopefully my parents will let her spend the night tomorrow. I need to talk to her about the whole Zach situation. :/