this time is the last time

shoot me now.
please.

I knew something was wrong the other night.
it just didn't feel right. not like it used to.
like it was forced.

you tell me you want to, you're really stoked about it, but when the time comes
"i don't want to go."
wtf? why not?!
I call you, I yell. I just don't understand why you're doing this.
the one time I need you, the one time I really need you, and you flake.
you told me you wanted to, at first.
but then you just kept saying you would to make me happy.
you don't want to hang out with me anymore, and you can't explain why.
you feel judged with the others around.
they don't judge you!!!
can we do it another day? maybe sunday?
fine, we'll see.
"i feel like shit. i'm going to bed."
I call, you don't answer. I call again, leave a voicemail.

this is the last time I will ever ask you for something.
come through for me just this once.
please.

so what have we done with X and O's to mark our way home?

so tomorrow is the "big day" for a lot of couples.
blah blah blah.
I don't particularly care for Valentine's Day all that much, and for the obvious reason that I have no special someone to celebrate it with.
sure it's a fun holiday for kids to give out cards and candy to classmates, and for parents to dote upon their kids, et cetera et cetera.
and I realize that it's a holiday that has really been overcommercialized and that it's just a ploy for card and candy companies to pull in a few extra dollars.
but nonetheless it makes me really sad.
maybe next year will be different?
one can only hope.

but the upside of this years V-Day is that I'm going to see Saosin with my friends in Chico.
best way to spend the evening if you ask me.

I sleep so I don't have to feel

sleeping is the one thing I can do right. it's kind of hard to mess up.
sometimes I feel it's the only thing I can ever do right.
I sleep long, I sleep hard, and I have intense dreams to prove it.
crazy, long, involved, detailed dreams.
sleeping is what I do best. it's what I look forward to at the end of the day, just in order to escape from reality for awhile.
not that my reality is all that bad, but the other side of my looking glass is much nicer.
if I could, all I would ever do is sleep. reality just bores me (and sometimes angers and depresses me) to tears.
I still haven't found my reason for waking, let alone living.
in the genius words of one of my personal heroes, Stephen Christian, "there's more to living than being alive," and all I'm doing right now is existing.
that needs to change.
ASAP.