pretty nice day :)

Starshine woke me up at noon and asked if I wanted to go to lunch. of course I did b/c there's nothing to eat in the house. so I got up, got ready, and we went to Chico. we picked Brandon up (Starshine's nephew) and went to the Italian Cottage. pretty good. and Brandon's really entertaining.
then we went to visit my mom at work. that was fun :)
then we went to Barnes and Noble. I stood in the magazine section for a long time looking at random fashion magazines. there was this one called Fashion Art or something and it was AMAZING but $23.90. yeah. so I had to pass. I ended up getting this British mag i-D and Interview. they're both fab.
then we went to Walmart.
then to Raley's where I got my fave deodorant :)
then to Best Buy where I got Copeland's latest "You Are My Sunshine", I love it :)
then we went to drop Brandon off at my aunt Kelly's and Colin and Erin and the kids were there. Colin looked good today ;)
Brandon is letting me borrow season 1 of Dexter and I'm excited :D
so I'm to go watch that now :)

Daylight by Matt And Kim

Parker Young reminds me of the good in the world. I feel almost sheltered living here. there's so much more out there than what there is here. in a small town of 30,000 people where 90% of the population is elderly there's nobody to meet and you get stuck in the same cyclical patterns with the same people.

I want to explore.
I want to try new things.
I want to meet new people.
I want to do something CRAZY and NEVER regret it.
I want to spontaneously take a roadtrip across the country, or at the very least across a few states.

Parker makes me remember that things are quite possible. I was reading his blog tonight [http://www.xanga.com/pensivemidnight] and I seriously forgot about everything else for an hour or so. all I was doing was reading his blog and listening to Copeland. I really forgot about EVERYTHING else. but then when I clicked on my myspace tab I was brought back to reality. and it wasn't a pleasant experience. reading his blog made me feel like I could do anything and be anyone and then when I came back to earth I realized I'm still just me, stuck in this same small town, with the same old people, nothing new or exciting. but the fact that there's hope makes me smile.
and then I looked at his fine art thing [http://parkeryoung.net/fine_art/index.html] on his website and it just made me smile. and cry a little in happiness. everything about him is incredible.

I'm envious of everybody that's away from here. everybody says "I want to get out of here" but they have no intention of ever actually leaving. not the case for me. I want to get out soooo badly, I know this isn't where I'm meant to be. but I'll be the first to admit I'm not ready to leave yet, or anytime in the near future. for one I have no idea where I want to go, although Seattle is always in the back of my mind, and first I need to save up money and crap like that. so hopefully in a few years I'll be gone. at the very least I'm staying on the west coast. I don't think I could stand to be away from it. and on top of all that, I still don't know what I want to do. I mean I know I want to be a photographer, nothing else even works for me, but I don't know where to go to school for it or even if I want to go to school for it. I was looking up schools with photography programs tonight and most everything is digital.

I hate digital photography

I have become so anti-digital. I miss film. film has so much emotion and mood and magic about it that digital will NEVER have. I did find one school that doesn't sound bad at all. Antonelli Institute of Art and Photography in Erdenheim, Pennsylvania. it's a possibility. but I'm afraid that I might lose some of what I am. I don't know, it's just this feeling I have.

I've realized lately that I'm REALLY reserved. I don't share much at all. and in this realization I was taken back to a conversation/lecture w/ my Auntie Lebo years and years ago when she told me that my mom changed a lot for me. she tried her hardest to open up so that I would be open. but I'm quite the opposite. it must be genetic. plus, I hardly know anything about my mom. I know more about my grandma and my dad and even my step-dad than I know about her. and I don't really ask questions either. it goes back to the whole opening up thing. I'm not comfortable asking questions at all. I don't know. I have so many ideas and thoughts and things to say but I keep my mouth shut for fear of rejection. I'm afraid people will be put-off or that they might judge me or think I'm really weird. so I keep my mouth shut. and I also don't write about it b/c I know people will read it and I have the same fears with that. I just hope I find someone with whom I can share anything with. and by "someone" I mean boy. and all the "somebody"s in my 'who I'd like to meet' on myspace mean "a boy". I can't even put that on my myspace for fear of judgement.

that's another thing

fuck myspace

it's stupid and people take it WAY too seriously and it's dumb and lame and really super lame and extremely dumb and I hate it. if my myspace somehow got deleted right now I don't think I would really care. I would just miss all the funny conversations in my comments and messages. but other than that

fuck myspace

I just really want to fall in love with someone that can help me grow as a person

that enjoys the finer things in life

that would rather be dirt poor but in love than filthy rich and in love b/c poor you appreciate things more

that I could share anything and everything with and vice versa

that will stay up all night just to watch the sun rise with me even though he's dead tired

that will bring me chicken noodle soup and be my nurse when I'm sick

that I will want to impress every moment but know I don't have to do anything

that loves anberlin/Stephen Christian as much as I do

that shares a love of photography

that I would gladly give my left arm to be with

that really wants to have kids and have us be the coolest parents in the world

and vice versa for all that's vice versa-able :)

I desperately hope there's a guy out there like that for me, but I sure know he's not here. that much I can assure you. one day we'll fall in love. I know it :)

and it's worth waiting for.

freaky ass dreams

Oct. 16-17, 2008
somebody was in my room suffocating me. and I couldn't move. I wanted so desperately to grab the dirty fork on my bedside table and stab them but I was completely paralyzed. and it felt so real. in my dream I was telling myself it was just a dream. and the only reason I knew it was a dream was b/c my light was on and I knew for a FACT that I had turned it off before I went to sleep. so I curled up and rocked back and forth and kept telling myself it was just a dream but somebody dressed in all black was suffocating me. it was absolutely terrifying.

Oct. 18-19, 2008
I was a part of some Indian tribe or something and they were sacrificing people or something weird. and I was supposed to be their sacrifice. so I had to put my head up against the roots of a giant oak tree and get decapitated. I remember FREAKING OUT when they were about to do it and I stood up and started crying but I had to put my head back down. so I did and then it happened. it wasn't just a quick CHOP and it was over. I felt the cool blade of the sword against the back of my neck and I felt it slowly slice my skin and then dig further down (it gives me the creeps just thinking about it). and then my head was off somewhere to the side of me on the ground and I was looking up at my assassin. I felt EVERYTHING. that's what freaks me out. it freaking creeps the crap out of me.

I looked up their meanings and the definitions don't apply whatsoever. so I have no freakin clue what they were about.

October the Eleventh

this came to mind at 6 this morning

I've been standing in your shadow since we were kids

everybody always liked you more than me

everybody thought you were cooler than me

everybody tried to be your best friend

I never tried because I knew I couldn't win

I accepted the fact that I would never compare to you

I'm used to people telling me how amazing, how funny, how cool, how pretty you are

I always take the back seat

and for the most part, I'm okay with that

I'm accustomed to being second best in every relationship I've ever had

it gets tiresome at times, but I know I can't do anything to change it

I'm helpless, hopeless

I still love you

always have, always will

Oct.11 @
10:30 am: shower
1:00 pm: picked up Ginger and went to the junkyard
4:00 pm: went to my grandparents'
4:45 pm: went to Talia and Eva's and tried to go to the barn, didn't work
5:30 pm: went to the elementary school
6:30 pm: sat in Alexandrea's car to look at the pictures
6:45 pm: dropped Ginger off
7:00 pm: came home and got ready to go to Chico and uploaded some of the pictures
8:45 pm: went down to Chico and to Barnes and Noble
10:00 pm: met up w/ Alexandrea's friend Justin @ In&Out
11:45 pm: went to Justin's place

Oct.12 @
12:00 am: went to some party Becca was at
12:15 am: went to Pita Pit
1:15 am: Ian showed up :)
1:30 am: went back to Alec's house and chilled forever
4:00 am: took Ian to his dorm
4:15 am: went to Safeway to get Nich his damn coffee
5:00 am: went to Nich's (I played with his adorable cat Patrick Stewart)
6:15 am: went back to Justin's place
6:30 am: went out to sleep in the fucking car, thankfully I took a blanket with me8:05 am: Alexandrea woke me up and I thought she was drawing a penis on the window but she was actually writing "OPEN" hahahah
8:35 am: went to Has Beans in Downtown
9:45 am: left Chico
10:05 am: got home and put on some damn socks

WHY??????????

the philosophy of a dying bee

okay, so today while I was on my break with my friend we sat down at a picnic table and she did her microeconmics homework while I read The Orphaned Anythings. at some point a bee flew over and landed on my bag (it happened to be an anberlin bag with a David Cook button on it). it wandered around for awhile and I was like "Hi, Mr. Bee. Do you like my bag?" and he didn't fly away even when I moved my bag. so I was just like "Hmm, okay" and kept reading. about 30 minutes later it was time for us to go to our next classes so I was like "Okay, Mr. Bee, you have to go now, I have to go to class" and I tried to shoo him away but he didn't move so I was like "Mr. Bee! Are you dead??" and he was. his legs were curled up underneath him and I was kind of sad. I was just wondering why he chose my bag of all places to die. it's blue so I was thinking "Maybe it was the color of his favorite flower or maybe it reminded him of the sky." I don't really know. I was trying to find some hidden meaning, but I couldn't really come up with anything.
what do you think? just some strange coincidence?

stay positive

forever :)

I've had a pretty good last few days

it rained yesterday. it. was. incredible.

Elnora came over and we went up on the roof for a while (soaking our pants in the process) and then we drove around looking for a good place to take more pictures.

we ended up at a burnt property on Neal Rd. it was like an art junkyard. it was probably one of the coolest places I'd ever been to in my entire life. there was so much there. if it hadn't been raining I would've stayed there forever :) I wanna go back.

yesterday was beautiful.