I realized today that I feel like I can most be myself around Jack and Olivia. like I don't have to pretend about anything with them. and conversations are just so comfortable with them. like I never have to feign interest or anything of the sort (not that I usually do that!) but yeah. I don't know. I miss them. but I get to see them both tomorrow at T-Mama's xmas party. well if we all don't get snowed in. ha. it'll be the first time we've all been together since freaking August. I'm quite looking forward to it.
oh, and I also feel like myself around Alexandrea as well. I love that girl like no other and I cannot wait until February. it best work out!!!!

"Finding" out who you are can not happen when you are only being what you think different groups of people will like.

so I've been reading some of Camille Young's blogs on xanga tonight (aka Parker's little sister) and SERIOUSLY that entire family is beautiful. it makes me feel guilty for not having a better relationship with my parents, but that's just not how my family is. but it makes me want to have a big family full of love when I get older.
and I want a friend like this:

Thank you for forcing sardines down my throat. Thank you for dragging me across the floor while singing "little bunny foo-foo." Thank you for telling me I resemble a llama or a cockatoo on a regular basis. Thank you for not being able to NOT share every detail of your day with me. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for hoping and dreaming with me.

minus the sardines ;)

so I was reading her blogs and then my mom called me from the other room and it brought me back to reality: that my life isn't what I want it to be. what it needs to be.

I need to get a job, save some money, and just move away from here. I don't belong here. I really really don't. I think Melissa put it perfectly: this town is a black hole. people leave, but end up getting sucked back in. I do NOT want that to happen to me. I just don't belong here anymore!!! it was good when I first moved here almost 6 years ago, but not anymore. I need new faces more than anything right now. and people always say "oh, I'm going to move away" or "I just want to get out of here" but never do anything about it. I'm not going to let that happen. there's nothing keeping me here at all except for the fact that I have like no money to my name, but other than that, whatever. my parents will always be my parents no matter what, and the people I care about the most have already moved away. so once I save up some money I am OUT OF HERE.