Happenstance Pt. 2

The following Saturday I was kind of freaking out about where Anthony are going in relationship terms.  I asked him what I was to him and the conversation turned out MUCH better than I thought it would.  I was fortune telling and thinking he would be really turned off by me asking that question and really back off from us.  But it turns out that he does want to properly date me eventually and we determined (although it was already set in stone, just never verbalized) that we are exclusive with each other.  Anyway, that was really reassuring to hear.

So the next Tuesday, which was May 28, we met up at the new coffeehouse on Esplanade, It's a Grind.  He had made a mix for me, all Daft Punk songs, and had written a note on the inside.  It said this:
"To Candace,
I am so grateful to have you in my life.  You've been nothing but a positive influence on me, and I love you dearly.  You're an amazing woman, and I hope this mix reflects you as a person and does justice to my feelings for you.
All my love,
Anthony"
It made me cry.  When I read the "I love you dearly" part I very much started to tear up.

I have never met another person like him.  And I'm glad of that.

Happenstance

Three weeks ago (on a Wednesday) I got off work at 3:30 and headed over to Barnes and Noble to buy Anthony Getting Your Book Published for Dummies.  He texted me at 3:41 asking if I was still at work.  I replied that I had left work but was still in town and asked him what was up.  As I was crossing the overpass and went through the light I got the text "Come to Barnes and Noble, I have a surprise for you :)".  I pulled up behind his car about a minute later.  I told him that I was already on my way over there to buy him something.  He then told me to close my eyes and open my hands, when I opened them I had in my hands The Lands of Ice and Fire, aka all the maps from Game of Thrones.  Best gift ever. 

I just thought it was amazing how I was already on my way over there to buy him a gift and he had gotten me one.  There have been several instances of things like this occurring between us.  I love it.

Also, when I gave him the book the next day I had written in it

"Dearest Anthony, 

Go get yourself published!  Your work is really good and others need to know that.  Plus, I want to buy 10 copies of your book as soon as it hits the shelves.  You're an amazing writer, don't ever forget that.

Yours,

Candace"

and after he read it he thanked me, pulled me close, and kissed me.

(I'm pretty sure I could write a novel about all the amazing moments involving him.  The past 5 months of getting to know him have been grand.)

DVOR Basic Issue Development - Avoidance

Candace P.

DVOR Level 2, Tues. 6-8pm

11 June 2013

Basic Issue -  Avoidance

Avoidance in the simplest of terms is procrastination, or putting something off until tomorrow what you could get done today.  It may be waiting until the last second to take out the trash when the garbage truck is right around the corner, or ignoring the growing pile of bills on your desk because you’re afraid of how much they all cost.

I learned the art of avoidance from my mother when I was in preschool.  I remember coming down the stairs in the middle of the night to see her furiously working at the dining room table on an art project that was due the next day.  She is one of the best procrastinators I know; she can literally wait until the last second and come up with something brilliant at the drop of a hat, at least when it comes to artsy-type stuff.

Since I was a child I have always procrastinated doing school work.  In 5th grade I waited until a few days before a huge report was due to start working on it, and I spent a beautiful Sunday afternoon inside the house because of it.  I was a procrastinator throughout high school, and the majority of college, but I have become a lot better about getting assignments done in the past two semesters.  Sometimes I use avoidance to push off having discussions with others that I know need to happen, in hopes that the issue will just go away and I won’t have to deal with it.  Other times I pretend that my financial issues don’t exist in hopes that my debt will magically disappear.

Avoidance has caused me a lot of unwarranted stress.  Even though I’m ignoring the issue, it’s still there, and subconsciously I am still worrying about it the whole time until it gets dealt with.  I know that family and friends get annoyed with me when I don’t respond immediately to invitations of getting together; and if I ignore a situation that needs to be talked about and dealt with it just causes tension between me and the other party involved.

I have been working on this issue for a long time now and just remind myself about the golden rule:  “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”  I hate it when people don’t get back to me about stuff so I would like to show them the same respect and let them know either way if I am able to make a commitment or not. I also try to address an issue with another person when it arises by using assertive communication, instead of shoving it under the rug.  That way we can work it out and move on instead of feeling that awkward tension that accompanies unresolved conflict.  When it comes to school I really try to get my assignments done a few days before they are due instead of waiting until the night before to start them.  I started doing this last fall semester when I had to write a four page paper for my logic class:  I started writing the paper four days before it was due, and finished it three days before it was due; I had never felt better about not procrastinating in my life.  When it comes to money I try to check my account balance often to stay on top of the things I need to pay for and to not spend money that I should be saving instead.  It always feels better to deal with an issue head-on and get it over with than it does to put it in the corner and pretend it doesn’t exist, all the while it is watching you and waiting for its chance to pounce and make things even worse.

DVOR Basic Issue Development - Control

Candace P.

DVOR 2nd Level, Tues. 6-8pm

4 June 2013

Basic Issue Development -  Control

Control is the desire/compulsory need to have things go your way.  Whether it be in regards to what you and your friends do on a Saturday night, how your house needs to be cleaned a certain way, or even what your significant other is doing in his or her spare time, if you feel the need to be in charge of all these situations, then control is an issue.

I have been a little OCD since childhood, but I think I became more aware of my control issues as a teenager when it came to doing the dishes.  I liked the silverware to be facing down in the dishwasher so when it was clean you could just grab it by the handles and put it away; that way the part that is used to eat with doesn’t get smudged or dirty again.  I also liked it organized so that all the forks were in one compartment, the knives were in another, and so on.  I also like to be in control of my time, as far as being on-time to work, appointments, etc.  This I know I learned from my mother because she is the exact opposite.  As a kid she would call my grandparents’ house and say she would be home in half an hour; two hours later she would finally get there.  My mother has always been late, and as a kid I was late to school nearly every day.  This always bothered me, so as an adult I am really on top of being somewhere I said I was going to be at the time I said I was going to be there.

This basic issue has manifested itself in several areas of my life throughout the years.  Once in high school when I was unloading the dishwasher and found that the silverware was all facing up and disorganized, I told my mother how I would prefer it to be the next time.  She said, “This is the only thing you have control over in your life so you go overboard with it,” and she was angry with me for getting upset with her.  It also came to life in a really ugly way with my ex-boyfriend, the victim of my domestic violence.  I told him how to dress, how to drive, when he needed to get out of bed so we wouldn’t be late to class, that he needed to take a shower, that he needed to get a job, that he needed to stop doing drugs, and the list goes on and on.  I am sure that he felt I was overbearing and that I was nagging him constantly, so naturally he was annoyed with me.  

The way that my control issues have affected me is that they have brought a lot of stress into my life.  I needed to have things a certain way at a certain time, and if they weren’t the way I wanted them to be I would freak out.  I especially noticed them with my ex when he wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning; I didn’t want to be late and after twenty minutes of trying to wake him up nicely, I would start yelling at him and pushing him so he would finally get out of bed.  This stressed me out beyond belief and made me very angry and resentful towards him.

I have been addressing this basic issue since I started taking this class in January.  When it comes to making plans and hanging out with friends, I kind of just go with the flow now.  I don’t freak out if plans get canceled or rescheduled.  This has been very prevalent with my “guy friend” in the last few months.  When we first started hanging out our schedules were pretty conflicting, so if plans were canceled I took a deep breath and told myself “It’s okay, it’s not going to work out this time, but there will be a more opportune time in the future.”  Normally I would try to force things and really push going to get coffee or something, but with him I have really calmed down and let things develop naturally instead of forcefully.  I think positive self-talk is my key to dealing with my control issues; I can’t let things get to me and I have to tell myself that everything is going to work out in the end.