I just don't understand

why.
I don't know why I still think about him, why I still wonder about things.
it's stupid!
I just hate that it's the closest thing I've had. it depresses me to be honest. all I want to know is why. I ask everyday and still don't know the answer. I don't know if I ever will.

on other topics, I'm very very VERY mad at Michael. seriously. if I could I would kick him hard enough to make him cry. he is so incredibly shallow. just like every other fucking guy out there. he claims to be a "sweetheart". my ass he is. he's gonna be the typical socal lawyer, have 5 different wives, and really snobby kids. all wives will be thin as rails with big fake boobies. he's so shallow. so shallow. I think that is the quality I hate the most in people.
so I don't know if I'm going to talk to him now. unless he apologizes, I'm done. he needs to grow up and realize that looks aren't everything. fuck him.

one last thing, Parker Young is perfect. end of story.

never realized how mascara BURNS

a little back story first I suppose.
so I think it was yesterday that Heather, Becca, and I were in the cafeteria at Butte and I was texting East Coast Ryan. we will text random anberlin lyrics and stuff and it's cool.
he texted me some "Inevitable" lyrics and I finished the line and told him that I really wanted someone to sing that song to me one day.

so today after dinner I was doing the dishes and then I came into my room and saw that he had sent me an IM.
rryy rryy (7:18:35 PM): guess what
rryy rryy (7:18:43 PM): i have something for you
he had signed off by the time I read it and I was like dangg. then I checked my phone to see if I had any texts and I did.
East Coast Ryan: ive got a present for u
I asked what it was and he said it's "a video its crap quality but i decided to make one just for u!"
he got on a little bit after that and sent me the video.

I opened it and pressed play. and guess what I hear? the beginning notes of "Inevitable" and I immediately just lit up. so he sang me the freaking song. amazing right?? so cute!!!! but then Olivia called like a third of the way through it so I paused it. after our 31 minute conversation about Labrador Lovin' in burning houses, I played the rest of it. and at the end when he was talking he had this really high pitched voice and it was just great. he also showed me random anberlin stuff and it was so amazing. it really really was.

so basically, that's pretty much the nicest, sweetest, most incredible thing anybody's ever done for me. and it made me cry tears of joy (I'm actually still crying hahaa) and it made my mascara run and oh boy does it BURN. seriously, the sweetest thing ever. oh how I adore this kid :)

oh, and yesterday he also texted me this: "haha i was thinkin about u today and i just wanted to tell u.... F this place sick :)"
(it's an Orphaned Anythings reference)
he is just amazing. can't help but love the kid for sure

my worst nightmare.

Gray and dark blue. The skies over the Pittsburg house were inky and overcast. It was dusk. I walked in through the front door. I was wearing a gray-blue dress. Family, friends, and former classmates were in the living room. Alex was there and the reason for why I was quite unaware. I was then informed that he and Alexandrea were in love and everybody was just 'so happy' for them. I was baffled; there was nothing I could say. Terri said that she hoped that Alexandrea would come back because she knew Alexandrea could "save Alex." From what he needed saving I did not know. The fact that I had been/still was in love with him didn’t matter to any of them. Not even to my own mother. It was like rubbing salt and pouring lemon juice over an open wound that had also recently been burned. I expressed my hurt and my anger and told everybody that this always happened; Alexandrea always took the ones I loved away from me and that I would always and forever be second best. But nobody would listen; I was “being irrational” they said. The support for the Alex/Alexandrea relationship was too much to handle. I ran out of the house bawling my eyes out in frustration and sadness.

It started to rain. As I was running around the front of my grandparents' house, it seemed as if time had slowed. My dress was softly fluttering around me in the wind from the storm. Suddenly I realized how dark it was and how frightened I was by the darkness. I decided to go back to my house and run upstairs to my parents' bedroom where I could go to bed crying. When I entered their room I heard something moving around on the far side of the room so I carefully and nervously turned on the bathroom light. I turned around to face the rest of the room and saw Joe Borrayo peeing on Starshine’s pillow and I was at a loss for words. I recalled that earlier Joe had said something about pulling pranks all day, so this had to be one of those "pranks". He had two friends there with him that I didn't recognize. I walked over to him as I explained why I was so upset and said that all I wanted to do was sleep, so I asked if he would please leave. I sat down at the foot of the bed when he handed me a cup of water and told me to drink it. I did. I told him that I desperately wanted to get away from there, away from the pain Alexandrea continued to cause me. He said that I could go back to his house for the night. I tried to get up from the bed to go with him, but I couldn't. I slowly started to realize he had drugged my drink and my only question was "Why?" The words of his response were foggy from the haze my drink had created, but he said something about carrying me and a photoshoot. I was glassy-eyed and almost unconscious when Melissa came into the room with a camera. I was bewildered, but I trusted Melissa and I trusted Joe so I didn’t ask any more questions. The darkness overwhelmed me.

$76.30

I feel like I haven't blogged in AGESSSS.

this past week was spring break. it was nice to be able to sleep in to say the least. but now I have a lot of homework to do and I haven't started ANY of it. I've just lost all interest in school. I really enjoy jazz dance though.

um, what else? oh, this past Thursday Jack, Talia, and I went down to Alexandrea's. that night we went to this 18+ indie club in San Francisco and it was SOOOOOOOO much fun. they had a projector on a wall that was playing clips of old movies, cartoons, music videos and it was just so classy and cool. we had a lot of fun to say the least.

the next day Jack, Talia, and I went into the city a little after 3 which meant we were a carpool going across the bridge.

first we went to the Haight and shopped at the Buffalo Exchange for awhile. I got this neat old Coca Cola jacket that once belonged to a Fernando Valanzuela (he had his name embroidered on it) and a couple of pairs of tights (I put on one pair b/c I was just wearing a dress and I was FREEZING). then we went to the beach and took pictures and that was amazing for sure.

then we went downtown and parked a few blocks away from Union Square and we happened to have parked next to an H&M, so naturally we had to go in. I bought this really nice dress and Talia bought a few things too. after that we walked through Union Square and had dinner at Lori's Diner which was kind of fun. we took pictures in a phone booth at the restaurant and also Jack and Talia played Mortal Kombat after dinner and it was hilarious.

then we walked back to the car and decided to go to Twin Peaks. I called Ryan for directions and we got there no problem. it was absolutely beautiful. and cold. and foggy. but beautiful nonetheless.

after that we went back to Annette's to stay the night, by the time we got back it was past midnight I believe. it was pretty crazy and I was exhausted.

we left around 3 the next day and played Padiddle all the way home. Jack almost got butt ass naked hahaha.

sooooooooooooooooooooo, I really don't know. I want to do something more than what I've got going on now. and it looks like I might be able to get back to shooting more now since I have my charger back. thank Jesus for that :)

it's been awhile

um, a couple Tuesdays ago Becca saw Seth at school. and apparently I was walking right next to him, but I was intent on telling Becca this story that I didn't even notice him. weird right?

last night I went to Cute Ryan's apartment w/ Ryan and Rachel and we partied at his neighbor's apartment. I had a few too many shots of vodka and ended up throwing up at Cute Ryan's :/ I felt sooooo baddd.

um, what else is going on in my boring life? um, oh, I have new pictures from San Fran on my flickr. http://www.flickr.com/photos/parkerampersand/

ummmm, I'm not a fan of getting up at like 5:40 every morning at all. and you know it's early when the moon is still up when you leave the house. it's pretty though :]

I really don't think I have much more to say. just that if somebody cared enough and didn't want me to, I wouldn't. blahh

so I made it through February in one piece

:)

but now I feel like shit.
I was in SUCH a good mood earlier today.
I took a shower in the dark while I listened to Bon Iver, Rogue Wave, and Copeland. it was lovely to say the least.

I'm so lost right now.

I know school is not what I need to be doing right now, that northern California is not where I need to be, but I don't know what I DO need to do, nor where I DO need to be.

I have no motivation for anything. at all.

I've lost all drive I once had.

I just don't know anymore. I need someone, something, to put everything in perspective again, to give my life meaning.

I would like a friend please.