An Essay on 23

Twenty-three was by far the most difficult year of my adult life, thus far.  Up until probably mid-September I spent all but the first two weeks of the 2014 calendar year in absolute misery.  I had never had my heart broken before and the weight of that was crushing.  One of the biggest lessons I learned in technically my 24th year of life, was to never speak in absolutes (yes, I realize the irony of that statement).  I had done things I swore I'd never do in a million years, and the one thing I prided myself most on is the thing I turned my back to completely.  But you know, as they say, pride cometh before the fall, and boy oh boy was I proud, and boy oh boy did I fall.  Hard.  I hurt people in a way I had never hurt anyone before; I lied in a way I didn't know I was capable of; I felt no remorse, no regret.  I was apathetic to it all.  

One of the things I am most interested in in life is to understand people, to truly understand them and their motives for why they do the things they do, and by summer I finally understood.  When you become so selfish that you don't care how your actions effect those around you, that's when the apathy creeps in, that's when the apathy floods your system and you become the person that you never wanted to be.  I had become apathetic to all, justifying my actions in inexcusable ways.  When in reality there was no excuse for what I did, no legitimate justification.  I generally try to live by the golden rule, while in the last month before turning a year older, I had completely disregarded it and started living without rules.  Afterall, there are no rules when it comes to matters of the heart.  

Twenty-three was the messiest, most complicated year of my life.  It was filled with pain, and heartache, and a desire to crawl into a hole and never wake up again.  "These are hard times, yes hard times, these are hard times, there are harder times to come."  I know this won't be the hardest thing I'll go through in my life, there will be times much more difficult to get through than this, but I know I'll get through them all.  They'll be painful, but there's always beauty waiting on the other side.  I know that something great will come out of this past year, I'm not sure what it is yet, and I'm not sure when I'll find out, but I know everything happens for a reason, and that's the hope I have to hold on to.  I have way too many things to be grateful for and to be happy about to dwell on the less-than-ideal experiences.  For goodness' sake, I took 10+ plane rides up and down the coast and cross-country.  I saw some spectacular things, met some amazing people, and had heart wrenchingly beautiful experiences. This glass is far too full for it to even be considered half-empty.  

Twenty-three ended on the best possible note.  Vulnerable, raw, intimate to the core.  The best conversation I've probably ever had in my life with someone that had destroyed everything I thought I was.  The honesty is something that I will hold onto for the rest of my life and I hope it's an experience I never forget.  Four hours of nothing but pain and vulnerability and comfort.  It was perfect.  I didn't want to carry the awful decisions I'd made as a 23-year-old into the next year, and I will be forever grateful for the day before my birthday, the evening I spent with Kyle.  It will be a struggle for awhile longer, but I know one day my heart will heal and I'll be grateful for one of the hardest years of my life.

March - August: Crater Lake

One, two, one, three, unknown
Hypocrisy at best
Unidentifiable at worst
Unhealthy, uncertain, devoid, bored, fresh
Hazy memories
First time flight
Months between
Forgotten
Smiles, laughter
Warmth, safety
Uncertainty, fear
Insecurities creep 
Fill every crevice
Doubt and analysis will be the death of me
Self-assurance and optimism will be my rebirth
It's time to feel alive again
It's time to move on
It's time to live
Balanced, calm, logical
Healthy, happy
Strong

Letter to Kyle

Weds. 6 August 2014

Kyle,

Never had I been more heartbroken in my entire life.  For the past two months my heart has been functioning at minimal capacity, never healing.  Where any mention of you and Heidi, or you and any other girl for that matter, used to crush me like a ton of bricks, it now only stings slightly.  For a very solid 3 weeks, at least, you were in at least one of my dreams every single night.  Where at first sleep was my only solace, that now too became a place of inescape.  A place where I knew I would have to see you every night once my eyelids closed for long enough to play a picture on the backs of them.  Instead of waking every morning and having those two blissful seconds of disorientation from reality, I now could no longer wake in confusion, but instead I awakened with sorrow.  There are very few things left in this town that don’t remind me of you in some way or another, which makes things rather difficult.  I think back to those places and times and see how happy we were at first, and then I see how it started to disintegrate, but mostly I still see happiness.

And it’s frustrating for me because we didn’t end on my terms, at all, we ended on yours.  I had never been in a “relationship” that hadn’t ended on my terms, and that’s what kept me hanging on at first, for far too long.  That’s why I gave you that second chance, that second chance that you blew, and couldn’t have cared less about.  At least that you seemingly didn’t care about.  You say it’s because you got scared, and that may partially be true, but I also think it’s because you’re a coward when it comes to confrontation and didn’t want to tell me the truth point blank.  Whatever the case, it doesn’t matter much now.  You broke my heart.  So completely.  What hurts the most is that I don’t hate you, it would be so much easier if I did.  I still like talking to you at work, I still like giving you a hard time, I still like working with you.  While at first all I wanted was revenge, I knew that wasn’t the right option, instead I genuinely wished you and Heidi all the best.

I know I’ll eventually be able to move on from this heartache, and I know I’ll be better for it, I’m just not seeing it quite yet.  Since it first came out about Heidi in March I have had rebounds and one night stands galore.  I’ve become someone I swore I’d never be.  Especially since you two became “official” in June.  I was trying to drown my sorrow for you in others and was only left feeling emptier than before.  I still thought of you constantly, you were the only one that I had feelings for, you were the only one I wanted to be with.  I no longer have feelings for you, and I haven’t for awhile, but I’m still not over you, I’m not over this whole situation.  Relationships, or even simply getting to know someone, terrify me.  I am so afraid of being lied to, of being hurt again the way you hurt me.

You say that I broke your heart, too.  You say you felt betrayed by one of your best friends because we started talking.  He was there for me when you were off with other people.  He was there as a friend to help get me through the betrayal that he had also recently gone through.  I’m not sure if I actually broke your heart the way you’re making it out to be, but if I did, I am truly sorry, it was never my intention to hurt you.  I very sincerely hope that you can do some self-examination and see who you are, and see how much better you can be.  You have some growing up to do, and we all do, just stop being so afraid to tell people how you feel/what’s on your mind.  If you have a problem with something, verbalize it, work it out, don’t just bury it under the rug, where it’s just as obvious.  I know you can be someone you’re proud of, and I hope that you can see that for yourself.

I truly wish you nothing but the best,

Candace

Happenstance Pt. 2

The following Saturday I was kind of freaking out about where Anthony are going in relationship terms.  I asked him what I was to him and the conversation turned out MUCH better than I thought it would.  I was fortune telling and thinking he would be really turned off by me asking that question and really back off from us.  But it turns out that he does want to properly date me eventually and we determined (although it was already set in stone, just never verbalized) that we are exclusive with each other.  Anyway, that was really reassuring to hear.

So the next Tuesday, which was May 28, we met up at the new coffeehouse on Esplanade, It's a Grind.  He had made a mix for me, all Daft Punk songs, and had written a note on the inside.  It said this:
"To Candace,
I am so grateful to have you in my life.  You've been nothing but a positive influence on me, and I love you dearly.  You're an amazing woman, and I hope this mix reflects you as a person and does justice to my feelings for you.
All my love,
Anthony"
It made me cry.  When I read the "I love you dearly" part I very much started to tear up.

I have never met another person like him.  And I'm glad of that.

Happenstance

Three weeks ago (on a Wednesday) I got off work at 3:30 and headed over to Barnes and Noble to buy Anthony Getting Your Book Published for Dummies.  He texted me at 3:41 asking if I was still at work.  I replied that I had left work but was still in town and asked him what was up.  As I was crossing the overpass and went through the light I got the text "Come to Barnes and Noble, I have a surprise for you :)".  I pulled up behind his car about a minute later.  I told him that I was already on my way over there to buy him something.  He then told me to close my eyes and open my hands, when I opened them I had in my hands The Lands of Ice and Fire, aka all the maps from Game of Thrones.  Best gift ever. 

I just thought it was amazing how I was already on my way over there to buy him a gift and he had gotten me one.  There have been several instances of things like this occurring between us.  I love it.

Also, when I gave him the book the next day I had written in it

"Dearest Anthony, 

Go get yourself published!  Your work is really good and others need to know that.  Plus, I want to buy 10 copies of your book as soon as it hits the shelves.  You're an amazing writer, don't ever forget that.

Yours,

Candace"

and after he read it he thanked me, pulled me close, and kissed me.

(I'm pretty sure I could write a novel about all the amazing moments involving him.  The past 5 months of getting to know him have been grand.)

DVOR Basic Issue Development - Avoidance

Candace P.

DVOR Level 2, Tues. 6-8pm

11 June 2013

Basic Issue -  Avoidance

Avoidance in the simplest of terms is procrastination, or putting something off until tomorrow what you could get done today.  It may be waiting until the last second to take out the trash when the garbage truck is right around the corner, or ignoring the growing pile of bills on your desk because you’re afraid of how much they all cost.

I learned the art of avoidance from my mother when I was in preschool.  I remember coming down the stairs in the middle of the night to see her furiously working at the dining room table on an art project that was due the next day.  She is one of the best procrastinators I know; she can literally wait until the last second and come up with something brilliant at the drop of a hat, at least when it comes to artsy-type stuff.

Since I was a child I have always procrastinated doing school work.  In 5th grade I waited until a few days before a huge report was due to start working on it, and I spent a beautiful Sunday afternoon inside the house because of it.  I was a procrastinator throughout high school, and the majority of college, but I have become a lot better about getting assignments done in the past two semesters.  Sometimes I use avoidance to push off having discussions with others that I know need to happen, in hopes that the issue will just go away and I won’t have to deal with it.  Other times I pretend that my financial issues don’t exist in hopes that my debt will magically disappear.

Avoidance has caused me a lot of unwarranted stress.  Even though I’m ignoring the issue, it’s still there, and subconsciously I am still worrying about it the whole time until it gets dealt with.  I know that family and friends get annoyed with me when I don’t respond immediately to invitations of getting together; and if I ignore a situation that needs to be talked about and dealt with it just causes tension between me and the other party involved.

I have been working on this issue for a long time now and just remind myself about the golden rule:  “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”  I hate it when people don’t get back to me about stuff so I would like to show them the same respect and let them know either way if I am able to make a commitment or not. I also try to address an issue with another person when it arises by using assertive communication, instead of shoving it under the rug.  That way we can work it out and move on instead of feeling that awkward tension that accompanies unresolved conflict.  When it comes to school I really try to get my assignments done a few days before they are due instead of waiting until the night before to start them.  I started doing this last fall semester when I had to write a four page paper for my logic class:  I started writing the paper four days before it was due, and finished it three days before it was due; I had never felt better about not procrastinating in my life.  When it comes to money I try to check my account balance often to stay on top of the things I need to pay for and to not spend money that I should be saving instead.  It always feels better to deal with an issue head-on and get it over with than it does to put it in the corner and pretend it doesn’t exist, all the while it is watching you and waiting for its chance to pounce and make things even worse.

DVOR Basic Issue Development - Control

Candace P.

DVOR 2nd Level, Tues. 6-8pm

4 June 2013

Basic Issue Development -  Control

Control is the desire/compulsory need to have things go your way.  Whether it be in regards to what you and your friends do on a Saturday night, how your house needs to be cleaned a certain way, or even what your significant other is doing in his or her spare time, if you feel the need to be in charge of all these situations, then control is an issue.

I have been a little OCD since childhood, but I think I became more aware of my control issues as a teenager when it came to doing the dishes.  I liked the silverware to be facing down in the dishwasher so when it was clean you could just grab it by the handles and put it away; that way the part that is used to eat with doesn’t get smudged or dirty again.  I also liked it organized so that all the forks were in one compartment, the knives were in another, and so on.  I also like to be in control of my time, as far as being on-time to work, appointments, etc.  This I know I learned from my mother because she is the exact opposite.  As a kid she would call my grandparents’ house and say she would be home in half an hour; two hours later she would finally get there.  My mother has always been late, and as a kid I was late to school nearly every day.  This always bothered me, so as an adult I am really on top of being somewhere I said I was going to be at the time I said I was going to be there.

This basic issue has manifested itself in several areas of my life throughout the years.  Once in high school when I was unloading the dishwasher and found that the silverware was all facing up and disorganized, I told my mother how I would prefer it to be the next time.  She said, “This is the only thing you have control over in your life so you go overboard with it,” and she was angry with me for getting upset with her.  It also came to life in a really ugly way with my ex-boyfriend, the victim of my domestic violence.  I told him how to dress, how to drive, when he needed to get out of bed so we wouldn’t be late to class, that he needed to take a shower, that he needed to get a job, that he needed to stop doing drugs, and the list goes on and on.  I am sure that he felt I was overbearing and that I was nagging him constantly, so naturally he was annoyed with me.  

The way that my control issues have affected me is that they have brought a lot of stress into my life.  I needed to have things a certain way at a certain time, and if they weren’t the way I wanted them to be I would freak out.  I especially noticed them with my ex when he wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning; I didn’t want to be late and after twenty minutes of trying to wake him up nicely, I would start yelling at him and pushing him so he would finally get out of bed.  This stressed me out beyond belief and made me very angry and resentful towards him.

I have been addressing this basic issue since I started taking this class in January.  When it comes to making plans and hanging out with friends, I kind of just go with the flow now.  I don’t freak out if plans get canceled or rescheduled.  This has been very prevalent with my “guy friend” in the last few months.  When we first started hanging out our schedules were pretty conflicting, so if plans were canceled I took a deep breath and told myself “It’s okay, it’s not going to work out this time, but there will be a more opportune time in the future.”  Normally I would try to force things and really push going to get coffee or something, but with him I have really calmed down and let things develop naturally instead of forcefully.  I think positive self-talk is my key to dealing with my control issues; I can’t let things get to me and I have to tell myself that everything is going to work out in the end.