I want to explore.
I want to try new things.
I want to meet new people.
I want to do something CRAZY and NEVER regret it.
I want to spontaneously take a roadtrip across the country, or at the very least across a few states.
Parker makes me remember that things are quite possible. I was reading his blog tonight [http://www.xanga.com/pensivemidnight] and I seriously forgot about everything else for an hour or so. all I was doing was reading his blog and listening to Copeland. I really forgot about EVERYTHING else. but then when I clicked on my myspace tab I was brought back to reality. and it wasn't a pleasant experience. reading his blog made me feel like I could do anything and be anyone and then when I came back to earth I realized I'm still just me, stuck in this same small town, with the same old people, nothing new or exciting. but the fact that there's hope makes me smile.
and then I looked at his fine art thing [http://parkeryoung.net/fine_art/index.html] on his website and it just made me smile. and cry a little in happiness. everything about him is incredible.
I'm envious of everybody that's away from here. everybody says "I want to get out of here" but they have no intention of ever actually leaving. not the case for me. I want to get out soooo badly, I know this isn't where I'm meant to be. but I'll be the first to admit I'm not ready to leave yet, or anytime in the near future. for one I have no idea where I want to go, although Seattle is always in the back of my mind, and first I need to save up money and crap like that. so hopefully in a few years I'll be gone. at the very least I'm staying on the west coast. I don't think I could stand to be away from it. and on top of all that, I still don't know what I want to do. I mean I know I want to be a photographer, nothing else even works for me, but I don't know where to go to school for it or even if I want to go to school for it. I was looking up schools with photography programs tonight and most everything is digital.
I hate digital photography
I have become so anti-digital. I miss film. film has so much emotion and mood and magic about it that digital will NEVER have. I did find one school that doesn't sound bad at all. Antonelli Institute of Art and Photography in Erdenheim, Pennsylvania. it's a possibility. but I'm afraid that I might lose some of what I am. I don't know, it's just this feeling I have.
I've realized lately that I'm REALLY reserved. I don't share much at all. and in this realization I was taken back to a conversation/lecture w/ my Auntie Lebo years and years ago when she told me that my mom changed a lot for me. she tried her hardest to open up so that I would be open. but I'm quite the opposite. it must be genetic. plus, I hardly know anything about my mom. I know more about my grandma and my dad and even my step-dad than I know about her. and I don't really ask questions either. it goes back to the whole opening up thing. I'm not comfortable asking questions at all. I don't know. I have so many ideas and thoughts and things to say but I keep my mouth shut for fear of rejection. I'm afraid people will be put-off or that they might judge me or think I'm really weird. so I keep my mouth shut. and I also don't write about it b/c I know people will read it and I have the same fears with that. I just hope I find someone with whom I can share anything with. and by "someone" I mean boy. and all the "somebody"s in my 'who I'd like to meet' on myspace mean "a boy". I can't even put that on my myspace for fear of judgement.
that's another thing
fuck myspace
it's stupid and people take it WAY too seriously and it's dumb and lame and really super lame and extremely dumb and I hate it. if my myspace somehow got deleted right now I don't think I would really care. I would just miss all the funny conversations in my comments and messages. but other than that
fuck myspace
I just really want to fall in love with someone that can help me grow as a person
that enjoys the finer things in life
that would rather be dirt poor but in love than filthy rich and in love b/c poor you appreciate things more
that I could share anything and everything with and vice versa
that will stay up all night just to watch the sun rise with me even though he's dead tired
that will bring me chicken noodle soup and be my nurse when I'm sick
that I will want to impress every moment but know I don't have to do anything
that loves anberlin/Stephen Christian as much as I do
that shares a love of photography
that I would gladly give my left arm to be with
that really wants to have kids and have us be the coolest parents in the world
and vice versa for all that's vice versa-able :)
I desperately hope there's a guy out there like that for me, but I sure know he's not here. that much I can assure you. one day we'll fall in love. I know it :)
and it's worth waiting for.
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