I'm so sick of the internet.

so sick of it.

"don't read to deep into a myspace profile. just because i checked a box that says i am not sure that i want kids, or i am divorced or single, doesn't mean i actually am. its that this is myspace. seriously. who devulges the absolute truth on here? do you see peoples pictures? do you not think that they took it from the best possible angle? isn't that a form of lying? your the one who bought into the whole online addiction. not me. to me it is still just another website. i am slowly finding the irony in honesty. you want to know everything but don't want me to open my mouth. when i pull skeletons from the closet you call me previously dishonest. what more do you want me to do? if i could pull open my chest cavity and reveal it to the world would it make you feel i was a better person. if i exposed my every secret to every person i encounter would it make you trust me more? i dont know how i feel about online gathering places of "friends", people sum you up by a profile, they get to know you without seeing your face. we dont have to form relationships using people skills, we just find someone with like interests and email them with no threat of rejection. people can be whoever they want to be on the computer. do you honestly think they look like that in person? do you really know any of these people? this is where life and fantasy cohabitate. reality sometimes hurt. but its called life, you cant live it behind a screen. be human, be vulnrable, be real, be hurt, be rational, be flexible, learn, grow, move on. be human once again. something i am trying to do."

-Stephen Christian

seriously. I'd much prefer to talk to someone face to face, or at least over the phone because that seems so much more real to me. I don't even know how to explain it, but the internet is kind of like an alternate universe to me. you can't tell how people are feeling through black and white words on a screen. body language is an important key in any and every relationship. you can tell when people are angry, sad, happy, any number of different emotions. but the only way you can tell any of these emotions online are through exclamation points and stupid little smiley faces. it's not real! I'd rather just sit in a room with someone for hours and get to know them by talking to them than reading what they typed and sent through the world wide web. I'd love it if the internet just died one day and we had to resort to the old-fashioned ways of communication. the telephone and snail mail. yes please.

$97.10

I counted the money in my tin again tonight :)

today is Katy O'Keefe's 19th birthday!

I had some strange dreams last night. I don't even know how to explain them. I was with some friends roller skating through a gated off area and I lolly gagged a bit and when I turned around to shut the gate the police came. they came over to me and I tried to explain what I was doing (I said I was picking a penny up off the ground) when all of a sudden I was really weak and pretty much collapsed into their arms. I couldn't open my eyes and even when I could I couldn't see well at all. they carried me into a hotel. I don't remember all what happened but something about an elevator and gold chandeliers and burgandy colored carpet. and I just know I was really weak. I'm unsure of how to explain it.

in another dream I dreamed about typing on a polaroid, with an actual typewriter. it was really neat looking so today I got a few of my polaroids and the typewriter and typed on them. I wish my scanner worked so I could upload them. they're really cool.

I'm a little obsessed with The Fray's "Heaven Forbid" at the moment.

I spilled water on my computer today. it might be dead, I'm not sure yet.

I cleaned my room a bit, so that's good.

I truly love my life.

I really do.

yesterday was the Lunch Buddies Disney Meeting at Jean and Greg's in Fairfield. Mum, Morgan, Lindsay, and I went down for it. it was awesome. it was really great to see everybody (even though I saw them 2 weeks ago at Jenny's wedding) and to visit and yeah. and for some reason all the kids there LOVED me. but that's fine b/c I absolutely adore kids and they were all cute and wonderful. I really can't wait to get married and start a family (but that's not going to be for awhile, hopefully). but I really don't understand WHY kids like me so much. it's always been that way though, even since I was younger. I don't get it, but hey, I'm not complaining.

I ran around for hours pretty much, water balloons and water bottles were involved, lots of thorns and stickers, foam swords, a polaroid camera, a soccer ball and damp grass, a trampoline, a field where I'm sure fairies live, bubbles, rolling golden California hills, the big blueness (the sky), and lots of fun and laughter. it was an absolute GREAT day.

silly times

hahaha, so looking back, the other night's fiasco is absolutely HILARIOUS.we went to an old high school teacher of our's house (Morgan's housesitting it) and we all got ridiculously drunk. we played "I've Never" and that screwed us all over. we were seriously totally fine, all of us maybe at a T2 at most, and then all of a sudden we ALL just hit the wall. like in the blink of an eye EVERY SINGLE PERSON was drunk. and we were all mad at each other. I yelled at Alexandrea a few times and I was seriously about to freaking punch her out. it was so bad. I ended up collapsing on the floor and having a little breakdown. it was just bad bad bad.

so I stayed up all night because I was too angry to sleep. somewhere around 4am Morgan and I went into the tv room and watched music videos. and I wrote some poems hahah. I was coming down but I was still drunk enough to write some decent poems inspired mostly by the music videos and occassionally some commercials.

last night we all just chilled in Chico and we ended up going over Alex's friend Ian's house and watching 28 Days Later. then we dropped Cela off and went to Denny's where our waitress played pirates with us (hence the journal title). then we came back up to my house (I was driving so incredibly slow b/c I was freaking exhausted) where we unfortunately found we were locked out. for some reason the garage door was locked and the back door too. my family's cool and we don't have house keys. so we decided to sleep in the car, but we were all freaked out by my property so we decided to go sleep in the parking lot at ACE Hardware b/c there were lots of lights. around 6 we woke up and Becca was drooling and thought we were in San Francisco because the windows were all fogged up. so we came home and waited for Starshine to wake up so we could get in the house.

we finally got in around 6:15 and crashed until 2 this afternoon haha. and tonight we're off to a hotel party in Redding. exciting? a little (;

4-6am drunk poems

invulnerable,
with the sunrise
the shutter opens,
you smile
rolling toward the dawn
flying, soaring
invulnerable
towering, you cower
keys old & worn
stuck, invulnerable
drawn are lines, circles
all coherent in a way
you stand alone, invulnerable
(Sarah Bareilles)

smoke & mirrors
it's how you work
flickering lights, trickery
you cheat, no matter
no longer numb, I hurt
running lines blur as we pass
bokeh, circles of city light
crashing waves sound,
wake me up from this misery
sand falling, forming
rosy cheeks in black & white
billowing around you
simple straps fall
rushing, racing, caring
like you never did
(Britney Spears, energy ad, some random chick, Kings Of Leon)

falling through the sky
the atmosphere presses in
about to implode
scarves tightly wrapped warmth
in our shaking bodies
neutral walls surround
bringing life
to a certain intensity
the rain falls, hot
humidity almost suffocating
breathing, breathless
(Parachute, band in a room with lights)

dazzling, you stand alone
beautiful, flowing, freezing
a white dress stuck to your skin
looking down, looking up
to infinity & beyond
symmetrical, chaotic
spreading, infectious
love me forever
love me never
-5:31am
(Carolina Liar)

your eyes, shards of ice
melting like softened snow
scripted lines
feel better for the moment
eight feet is all I have
-6:00am
(Rob Thomas, The Script, some band in a parking garage)