Staggering Studio :D

I am so ridiculously happy right now! :D

so the other day Zarina from Staggering Studio posted a bulletin with a link to an application for the studio. I decided I'd apply. so I answered all the questions and sent along some photos. she replied with this

at this point I was really stoked. also, it got me motivated in a sense to go start shooting again. :)

then when I got home from a family thing tonight I got on the space and read the Studio's latest bulletin entitled "I don't normally do this." when I opened it I was shocked. I literally said "holy shit" lol.

and I did not mind that she accidentally mispelled my name lol. she thought it was like the anberlin song "Cadence" hahaha.

then a few minutes later I went to the page and checked the albums. I was on the second page and it made me happy. then I went back a few minutes later and I this is what I found:

aka, on the first page, and the first photographer

I told my parents and they were happy for me :)

I'm like super friggin happy right now. yay! :D

failure

so I woke up this morning to my mother yelling at me to get up. it was only 9 and I was like "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????????"
I was super pissed. then she said she was leaving so I started freaking out b/c I need to go down to Butte today to get my books and I have no way of getting there. my mom said I should've come straight home yesterday and told her I needed to get my books b/c we could've gone down yesterday. how was I supposed to know?? I can't seem to do a single damn thing right in her eyes.

it's been a very good week :D

ever since I posted the 'dysthymia' blog I've been feeling better. it's weird.
but seriously, I've been feeling wayyyyyyyyyy happier :D
like I usually get really depressed after something really good happens, and lots of good things have happened this week, but I've been totally fine :)

annnnnnd, Nich and I are friends. I texted him yesterday after we went to Phu and we're cool now. so that makes me happy :)

school starts for me Tuesday, and I'm still not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not. but I have geography w/ Jordon Spencer and math w/ Heather, so I'm extremely happy about that. :)

drunk: time #2

yes, I realize I'm a hypocrite, and I do feel bad about it. but it happened. I can't take it back.

Friday night I went to a decades party in Chico with Becca, her bf Danny, his friends and roomates and such. we left Carmen's (the girl who had the party) at some point to go back to Danny's and I had to pee sooooooooo bad, so I ran into the house yelling "I gotta pee!!!" and there were like a bazillion people in there. I hadn't realized how many people had gone back to Danny's. so then I went back to the front porch and collapsed on the couch where I was explaining to Danny's friend why I was so tired. then there was a guy standing by the door mocking me, and it took me like 30 seconds to realize it was Nich. I had had a GUT feeling that he would be there. it was so weird.
so I texted him this:

Me 12:06am: I hate you
Nich 12:07am: Wow. Give me a good reason why.
Me 12:09am: Bc you make me sad. Like honestly, you depress the hell out of me. You make me feel like shit.

a few minutes after that I was sitting on the front steps with Becca and I was telling her how much I hated Nich and she started laughing. I was like "Why are you laughing? Is he right behind me or something?" so I turned around, and there was Nich, looking at me like he was offended. it was funny.
then I guess I went inside and texted him this:

Me 12:19am: I hate you more than life, and thats saying a lot since im 'emo'
Nich 12:20am: so you're not taking dance with me
Me 12:21am: I am not. I looked today and it was full. Do you totally hate me too?
Nich 12:22am: You can hate me all you want, but i dont
Me 12:22am: Then why are you so mean to me?
Nich 12:25am: I'm not mean. You're not sensing my sarcasm
Me 12:26am: Well its overly potent and i take it personally. If you were genuine at some point itd be okay

(f0r having been drunk I texted pretty darn well)

then he said "Candace, are you not going to talk to me?" or something like that, so I started talking to him from across the room, but it was difficult to hear him, so I went over and sat next to him. we talked about random crap, like him getting fired from Woodstock's b/c he got 12 writeups in a year, how he now works at a retirement home and so I asked which one b/c my mom cooks at Oakmont (thankfully he doesn't work with her lol), how he thought Alexandrea looked like she would be a bitch (Which cousin? The one from prom? No. Fuck! You think she's hot don't you?! I bet you get that a lot don't you?), and then he was being mean so I was like "Whatever, I'm leaving" and I just walked away.

Me 12:35am: Im sorry
Nich 12:36am: For what

I think I then met his friend Carlos (we shook left hands and I was like "I love how we're shaking with the wrong hand, so then we shook right hands) and then I guess I sent this:

Me 12:48am: Youre so mean.

I think as I was going to the kitchen for water I passed Carlos and told him he was cuter than Nich lol.

Me 1:06am: Youre mean
Me 1:09am: Im so sorry

then I think Nich and Eddie and Carlos left.

Me 1:16am: Im like super sorry. From the bottom of my heart. Honestly.

but then they came back b/c they forgot something I guess. so Eddie and Nich sat next to me on the couch. Eddie was talking about Kaitlyn (his gf and my friend) and how he goes to party and hits on either hot girls or Kaitlyn's friends, then he was said "I'm just kidding. But really, I do." it was funny. then I started talking to Nich I guess and Eddie said that Nich had an almost girlfriend and I was like "I could respect that," but then Eddie was like "Well, more like a booty call," so I replied, "I don't respect that." then I guess Nich was sitting next to me and I told him that I had unicorns on my underwear (LMFAO!!!) and he was pretending like he was looking up my dress, and I kept slapping his hand lol. then I guess he gave me an awkward sitdown hug and they left.

Me 1:36am: I hate you

at some point MGMT's "Electric Feel" came on. I had seen the video earlier that day and I had been like WTF?!? but at the party it totally fit and I found it to be a great song lol.

Me 1:51am: I apologize profusely

I find it funny how contradictive I was. "I'm sorry. I hate you! I'm so sorry. I hate you!!!" hahahaha.

and Nich told me that I had texted/told him I hated him over 10 times lol.

I even wrote "Candace HATES Nich!" on Danny's whiteboard by the kitchen lmao.

I went to bed at some point after that and when I woke up in the morning my leggings weren't on lol. I'm pretty positive I took them off when I went to the bathroom one time lol. and I was still anal about washing my hands. I went to the bathroom w/ Becca a couple times and both times I yelled at her to wash her hands lol.

anberlin's leaked album

I got home tonight after a full day of shopping in Sactown/Roseville and read a comment from my anberlin friend who lives on the east coast saying "did you hear the news about the leak?"
so I immediately looked at all the bulletins from the day seeing if I could find something.
Anberlin Road Trips had posted a blog about it saying they weren't going to download it and how the guys needed their hard work to be respected and stuff.
then I read a bulletin from another anberlin buddy saying she downloaded it and said it was the most amazing thing she'd heard and whatnot.
blah blah blah. then I went on their page and read people's comments saying "New Surrender is great! I downloaded it" and crap like that.
I got kind of upset and started crying and then commented anberlin saying this:

I'm crying right now since I heard about the leak.

all the comments and bulletins and crap I've

read have said it's amazing and all that jazz.

and I really want to listen to it, but at the same time,

I don't think I could bring myself to do it.

you put a lot of time and effort into making it and

I don't want to take away the magic and splendor

of ripping off that annoying plastic wrapper, listening

to the sound of the cd reluctantly coming out of its case,

sliding it into my cd player, and turning my stereo up to

-13 dBs to listen to it for the very first time on September 30th.

I want that moment to be absolutely breathtaking.

and if I listened to it now, it would take that all away

and that's not worth it to me.

I hope you "catch" whoever leaked it or whatever. or

maybe you did this on purpose to see how people would respond.

oh crap, here I go on another conspiracy theory lol.

I love you all and I will wait until the last day of

September to listen to the album in full :)

I love them more than life itself, I really truly do, and I don't want to take the magic away.

I'm glad to hear people like it, but simultaneously I'm kind of ashamed to hear they did that. not cool guys. not cool.

dysthymia

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/chronic-depression-dysthymia

I'm pretty darn positive I have it.
it's been almost 2 years. the end of November will mark 2 years actually.

I want to ask my mom to take me to a doctor, but I don't know how to go about doing that.
any suggestions?

just for Caitlin lol

so I'm trying to sign up for a couple more classes finally, right? so I go to log in AND IT WON'T FREAKING LET ME!!! I've tried both computers and neither will work. I'm freaking pissed!!!
I don't know what I'm gonna do now :/

anyway, I don't really know what to write about right now.
I went to Cabo last week. it was alright. I think some of the splendor's worn off b/c I've been there so many times. either that or it's that I really don't like the people I go with. probably the latter lol. nothing too exciting happened except that Kaylin and I played some drinking games at a beach restaurant called Billygan's Island. that was really fun actually. and then we won free tickets for a booze cruise for the following day. we went on that (I had a little too much to drink) and then Dad, Annette, Kaylin, and I went to the Giggling Marlin (bar) and I had even more to drink there. it was pretty fun. I wasn't completely drunk, but I was definitely quite intoxicated.
then the next day I was a complete bitch lol. everybody kept trying to get me to drink so I'd lighten up a bit but I wanted absolutely nothing to do with alcohol.
and I really don't anymore at all. at least not until I'm older.
I don't really see the point. you act like an idiot, occassionally do really idiotic stuff you'd never ever do sober, plus, I don't want to be like my dad. he disappoints me sometimes.
so this is me saying I'm staying sober for awhile :)

on top of all of that, there is no way in hell that I'm drinking when I have kids. I want to be there for my kids, like actually THERE, and I'd feel guilty if I did.