hmm

I think I actually made it more than it ever was.
I reread old messages and there was no substance there.
like we didn't even get below the surface.
now I just feel silly. but I'm okay with that.
I can completely move on now and that makes me quite happy :)
like I freakin talk to Michael more than I ever talked to Alex and about substantial stuff too lol.
I really feel silly. but it's okay :)
and I realized I have my friends and what I love and that's all I really need.

I've been generally happy for about 3 1/2 months now and I am oh so very thankful for that.
it's definitely a better feeling than being depressed all the time, that's for shizz.
sure I'd like a few things to be different, but overall I'm content :)

oh, and, dang it! I forgot what I wanted to say!!!!
:(

um, I was extremely vulnerable last night (12/11). and it wasn't the kind of forced vulnerability I sometimes employ to get sympathy. (I haven't really been doing that lately anyway. it's stupid.) it was just natural. I hadn't felt vulnerable in an extremely long time, and this might sound really odd, but it was a good feeling. it's difficult to explain. but I am reminded of something Stephen Christian wrote:

be human, be vulnrable, be real, be hurt, be rational, be flexible, learn, grow, move on. be human once again

oh! I had a dream last night that I was bipolar! it was SCARY

I liked Nate Young's younger brother or something (yeah, not a real person, although he does have a younger bro but it wasn't him) and we were all hanging out and we went to the cafeteria where their mom worked to get some food. this blonde girl accidentally bumped into me and didn't say sorry and my first reaction was BITCH! YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! and I pushed her. it freaking came out of nowhere and in my dream I was FREAKING OUT thinking "What am I doing? This isn't me!!!" and then I passed out. it was soooooooooooo very strange.