5:15am skype date

Goes Without Saying

"You is cute."
-ECR

I need to stop feeling any sort of anything towards him.  I just think he is the most precious individual on the face of the planet.  It's as if I know I don't want him to mean the world to me like that, but I don't want to stop talking to him as often.

I think he's becoming far too significant to me, it'll only lead to heartache in the end.  It just seems like another Jerry situation, but also kind of different.  Much like with Jerry we talk quite often, I'm falling for him, and all I want to do is lie next to him and listen to music all night.


And then I think about it logically and figure that he is way too young right now, he needs to mature a bit (and so do I for that matter).  Maybe in a few years if we're still single/close friends.  I don't know, I just want to do what God wants me to do right now and I don't think that thinking about guys is one of those things that He wants me to do.  And he has girls after him all the time and I don't want to stupidly start feeling jealous of girls I'll never meet for something I'll never have.


But he is the cutest boy I have ever known in my life.  I guess the keyword there is "boy," and I need a man, but not right now.  What I need right now is God and His love and wisdom and guidance; I don't need to be distracted by a blond-haired beauty 2,930 miles away.

So conflicted.

I know that having these types of feelings is dumb and pointless, but I feel them all the same.  I want them to go away, but I don't want them to leave.  I love smiling when I get a text, knowing it's him.

I also think having feelings for him is "safe" because nothing will ever come of it (most likely) and that way I don't worry about guys around here at all, I have someone else to focus my attention on.  And I'm terrified of losing him somehow, like he'll get bored with me after awhile.  We've been talking nearly everyday for nearly 3 weeks now, and I don't want to lose that.  I love talking to him.  But I also feel like that's not a long time at all.  Sometimes I think he's too cool for me, too cool to want to be my friend and I'm afraid I'm bothering him with my banter.  But I know that sometimes I'm not, because he'll banter back. 


I know I need to be focusing solely on God, and I am trying, and that's why I don't want to feel this way.  But also when I think about him and how wonderful he is it makes me want to pray and read my Bible and get closer to the One that created love in the first place.  I am just so conflicted.


At the very least I figure we'll meet one day in Heaven, and I hope and pray that I will know that he was somehow significant to me in this life.