I'll rub my legs (bagels) and make it all better
-we have granola beAqs
-that sounds foreign and poisonous
I just salivated on your cellular device
-she sounded haggard-hagrid ladz (lady)
I thought the growling creature was approaching
I have meat in my teeth
unforttttunately
20 minute laughing
-ness while eating potato salad and meat
"DON'T SIT ON THE POTATO SALAD!!!"
my pimple hurts from laughing
mosquito dippers
mosquito diapers
mosquito tippers
mosquito q-tippers
-I thought you said mosquito 'tippers'
-like cow tipping?
imma errplane
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I just don't understand
"So Contagious" by Acceptance is marvelous :)
I was lying in bed this morning after I woke up thinking too much.
I was just thinking about how there really is nothing left for me here. nothing at all.
and I was thinking that I should move to my dad's and go to DVC (local community college down there) instead of staying up here and going to Butte.
I doubt I'm going to meet anybody of consequence up here. there are just so many people in this area, I know I haven't met a lot, but I've met enough.
I want to meet people from different walks of life, people who have drive and ambition, people I can learn from.
and I highly doubt there's anybody like that up here.
I mean, I'm up for surprises, but I still doubt it.
oh, and last night while they were kissing I just thought that I'll probably be alone forever.
I'll never have somebody (okay, this is weird for me to say) that will pull me against their body in a tight embrace, that will use me as a pillow as they fall asleep smiling, that will just love me.
I'll always be the friend.
the friend that will wake up to them making out.
I just don't understand why. why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why why why why why why why why
I just don't understand
(obviously!)
not to mention when I got on myspace today O sent me a message and it just made me feel even worse.
I'm just a bad person. if I had been at home I would've bawled my eyes out.
and I thought about it.
a lot actually.
LONELY
AS FUCK
blah blah blah love blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
I hate my life lol. not really, but they make me feel lonely.
and out of place, like I shouldn't be here.
it just doesn't seem fair.
there are about a bazillion guys vying for her attention, and me? none.
as usual.
I mean, I know there's gotta be someone out there for me, it just sucks being single for 17+ years.
and movies make me sad. we just watched The Notebook and I doubt there's any love like that out there in the world today.
it'd be nice if there was, but I highly doubt it. my thinking lately is that love just isn't what it's cracked up to be.
but what do I know about love?
absolutely nothing
I hate my life lol. not really, but they make me feel lonely.
and out of place, like I shouldn't be here.
it just doesn't seem fair.
there are about a bazillion guys vying for her attention, and me? none.
as usual.
I mean, I know there's gotta be someone out there for me, it just sucks being single for 17+ years.
and movies make me sad. we just watched The Notebook and I doubt there's any love like that out there in the world today.
it'd be nice if there was, but I highly doubt it. my thinking lately is that love just isn't what it's cracked up to be.
but what do I know about love?
absolutely nothing
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
quotes I enjoy
"i love [photography] though, especially black and white, there is just so much feeling that can be evoked by a piece of paper, and thin layers of ink. the light, the texture, over or under exposure, sharpness, brightness, contrast, saturation, temperature, tint, shutter speed, the type of lens, et cetera."
-Stephen Christian from The Orphaned Anythings
is not only the voice of blood that needs no eyes, love, which people say is blind, also has a voice of its own.
-blindness
'you don't ever have to be afraid, because nothing is real except love'
-circa survive
true love lasts a lifetime
-Love Actually
+ if there is no friction, then there is no balance.
+ if 'lost' were a place, I'd be rich off roadmaps.
+ we are a combination of everybody we have ever met
+ the meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
+helping someone else may help you in your own recovery.
+its not our lack we must concentrate upon but a future based firmly upon the little talents and ability's we do have.
+i am so fascinated by love, this entity we all seek, and in some cases destroy. i think one of the greatest things about love is the aspect of vulnerability. we are opening ourselves up to someone that we have only encountered recently in the grand scheme of our life. up to this point we have known every thought, feeling, and action of ourselves; and then someone enters our little kingdom and demands to know and cohabitate in our thoughts, be apart our feelings, and create memories together.
-Stephen Christian
we were made to be lovers bold in broken places
-to write love on her arms
and I'll kiss you in london
love you in france
sunsets in germany
spain we could slowdance,
somewhere outside,
somewhere outside.
-stephen christian
i want love how it is... a sleep deprivation pain in my chest that is only filled when her voice rings through my ear, touches my hand, or slows down to catch a red light so we can have one more second in each others eyes, and lips.
-stephen christian
-Stephen Christian from The Orphaned Anythings
is not only the voice of blood that needs no eyes, love, which people say is blind, also has a voice of its own.
-blindness
'you don't ever have to be afraid, because nothing is real except love'
-circa survive
true love lasts a lifetime
-Love Actually
+ if there is no friction, then there is no balance.
+ if 'lost' were a place, I'd be rich off roadmaps.
+ we are a combination of everybody we have ever met
+ the meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
+helping someone else may help you in your own recovery.
+its not our lack we must concentrate upon but a future based firmly upon the little talents and ability's we do have.
+i am so fascinated by love, this entity we all seek, and in some cases destroy. i think one of the greatest things about love is the aspect of vulnerability. we are opening ourselves up to someone that we have only encountered recently in the grand scheme of our life. up to this point we have known every thought, feeling, and action of ourselves; and then someone enters our little kingdom and demands to know and cohabitate in our thoughts, be apart our feelings, and create memories together.
-Stephen Christian
we were made to be lovers bold in broken places
-to write love on her arms
and I'll kiss you in london
love you in france
sunsets in germany
spain we could slowdance,
somewhere outside,
somewhere outside.
-stephen christian
i want love how it is... a sleep deprivation pain in my chest that is only filled when her voice rings through my ear, touches my hand, or slows down to catch a red light so we can have one more second in each others eyes, and lips.
-stephen christian
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
200 thumbtacks later
in the past 24ish hours, I've pushed about 200 thumbtacks into my bedroom walls.
my right thumb is KILLING me, and my left thumb is a tad sore as well.
but, I put up 30 new anberlin pictures, the new anberlin poster, the To Write Love On Her Arms poster of Deon, and my signed anberlin bag on my wall and I think it looks really good :D.
I love my room very much.
I need something more.
point blank.
I honestly think I've outgrown her. we were BEST freaking friends last year, and then the whole drama of this school year happened but a little over a month ago we got back on good terms, which I was really thankful for. but, I've realized lately that she's a bit on the immature side. especially when it comes to guys. she's changed so much on that front. she's just so different now. I guess I knew all along that things could never go back to how they were before this year, but I don't think I realized how much had really changed. the world has changed, and I have changed.
I'm tired of making little immature sexual jokes, I just think of it more as a crutch now than anything. sometimes it's just like GROW UP.
and I think a few of my friends overanalyze every single little thing and it's just like LET IT GO.
and 2 of them are too judgemental in my eyes. and that bothers me. I don't like to judge, I will be nice to you no matter what, unless you give me a good enough reason to not like you. and that's pretty hard to do.
and most of my friends now drink and have lots of sex, and that's not who I am at all. I've realized lately that drinking is pretty stupid b/c it just makes you act like an idiot and you do stuff you'll regret later and I just don't get it. as for the sex, that is not who I am in the slightest. a lot of the people that I knew as virgins who were waiting for marriage have changed their minds. I still am going to wait, and I really hope I don't change my mind and lose my values. that depresses me a bit when people change so much and lose who they once were.
but I guess that inevitably happens.
I just really want to meet somebody new, somebody that can teach me a thing or two about anything. somebody intelligent and mature. somebody that I can have a substantial conversation with. somebody, anybody.
oh, and also having to do w/ Elnora, when we weren't friends I felt like I had matured and grown quite a bit, but now that we're friends again, I feel like I've backtracked and my growth has been stunted. I don't know, but it sucks.
I just need something to change. and I feel like it's going to have to be drastic. I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone around me or myself, but if that's what it's going to take, then I'll deal with it. and hopefully grow from it.
I think most of all at the moment though, I want to find love. I just don't feel like I truly love anybody at the moment. don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, but it's not like how it used to be. it's different now. I don't know what changed. I have no clue. and I want to find inspiration. I've basically had no interest whatsoever in photography. and I think digital photography makes me sloppy in the respect that I just click away knowing that if I don't like it, I can automatically delete it. I like the maticulous planning of working with film, I thoroughly enjoy it :). I just need to find inspiration. anberlin/Stephen Christian are ever-inspiring, but I just can't come up with anything at the moment. it's been almost 2 months since I've truly enjoyed taking pictures, and that makes me really sad.
and it scares me too. :(
all in all, I just need something more than what I've got going on right now. I don't know what it is yet, but I hope I find out soon.
my right thumb is KILLING me, and my left thumb is a tad sore as well.
but, I put up 30 new anberlin pictures, the new anberlin poster, the To Write Love On Her Arms poster of Deon, and my signed anberlin bag on my wall and I think it looks really good :D.
I love my room very much.
I need something more.
point blank.
I honestly think I've outgrown her. we were BEST freaking friends last year, and then the whole drama of this school year happened but a little over a month ago we got back on good terms, which I was really thankful for. but, I've realized lately that she's a bit on the immature side. especially when it comes to guys. she's changed so much on that front. she's just so different now. I guess I knew all along that things could never go back to how they were before this year, but I don't think I realized how much had really changed. the world has changed, and I have changed.
I'm tired of making little immature sexual jokes, I just think of it more as a crutch now than anything. sometimes it's just like GROW UP.
and I think a few of my friends overanalyze every single little thing and it's just like LET IT GO.
and 2 of them are too judgemental in my eyes. and that bothers me. I don't like to judge, I will be nice to you no matter what, unless you give me a good enough reason to not like you. and that's pretty hard to do.
and most of my friends now drink and have lots of sex, and that's not who I am at all. I've realized lately that drinking is pretty stupid b/c it just makes you act like an idiot and you do stuff you'll regret later and I just don't get it. as for the sex, that is not who I am in the slightest. a lot of the people that I knew as virgins who were waiting for marriage have changed their minds. I still am going to wait, and I really hope I don't change my mind and lose my values. that depresses me a bit when people change so much and lose who they once were.
but I guess that inevitably happens.
I just really want to meet somebody new, somebody that can teach me a thing or two about anything. somebody intelligent and mature. somebody that I can have a substantial conversation with. somebody, anybody.
oh, and also having to do w/ Elnora, when we weren't friends I felt like I had matured and grown quite a bit, but now that we're friends again, I feel like I've backtracked and my growth has been stunted. I don't know, but it sucks.
I just need something to change. and I feel like it's going to have to be drastic. I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone around me or myself, but if that's what it's going to take, then I'll deal with it. and hopefully grow from it.
I think most of all at the moment though, I want to find love. I just don't feel like I truly love anybody at the moment. don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, but it's not like how it used to be. it's different now. I don't know what changed. I have no clue. and I want to find inspiration. I've basically had no interest whatsoever in photography. and I think digital photography makes me sloppy in the respect that I just click away knowing that if I don't like it, I can automatically delete it. I like the maticulous planning of working with film, I thoroughly enjoy it :). I just need to find inspiration. anberlin/Stephen Christian are ever-inspiring, but I just can't come up with anything at the moment. it's been almost 2 months since I've truly enjoyed taking pictures, and that makes me really sad.
and it scares me too. :(
all in all, I just need something more than what I've got going on right now. I don't know what it is yet, but I hope I find out soon.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
dream about David Cook <3
I had the most amazing dream about David Cook last night though.
it's the first real dream I've ever had about him. well at least where he played a major role lol.
I was in Montana or something and I crossed this little river and climbed up this rock wall thing and David Cook was there. I was talking to my dad or somebody and then I went over to ask David if they were doing a Meet&Greet at the show in Sacramento on July 9th.
he didn't think they were so he was like "Here's my number so you can give me a call after the show and we can hang anyway." And then I asked him if it would be weird if I hugged him, and then he hugged me. forever. and ever. it was probably, no it WAS, the greatest hug I've ever had.
it wasn't too tight and it wasn't too loose, it was perfect. and we just stood there, in the most marvelous embrace the dream world has ever known.
at some point David climbed the rock wall thing in cowboy boots. it was funny.
then he and David Archuleta were having a contest on who could hold their breath the longest or something.
so they were holding onto the side of this ship while it was going up the river. they were under the water and had to come up for air every few seconds or whatever.
but I decided I would give David Cook his air lol.
so I would go up to the surface, take in a big gulp of air, swim back down, and give the air to him.
after I gave it to him one time we both started giggling. under water. hahaha.
needless to say, my David won the contest ;)
then we were at this marina place and I was running around for some reason and there was a competition of some sort taking place or something.
it was the most amazing dream I've ever had.
BEST HUG EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's the first real dream I've ever had about him. well at least where he played a major role lol.
I was in Montana or something and I crossed this little river and climbed up this rock wall thing and David Cook was there. I was talking to my dad or somebody and then I went over to ask David if they were doing a Meet&Greet at the show in Sacramento on July 9th.
he didn't think they were so he was like "Here's my number so you can give me a call after the show and we can hang anyway." And then I asked him if it would be weird if I hugged him, and then he hugged me. forever. and ever. it was probably, no it WAS, the greatest hug I've ever had.
it wasn't too tight and it wasn't too loose, it was perfect. and we just stood there, in the most marvelous embrace the dream world has ever known.
at some point David climbed the rock wall thing in cowboy boots. it was funny.
then he and David Archuleta were having a contest on who could hold their breath the longest or something.
so they were holding onto the side of this ship while it was going up the river. they were under the water and had to come up for air every few seconds or whatever.
but I decided I would give David Cook his air lol.
so I would go up to the surface, take in a big gulp of air, swim back down, and give the air to him.
after I gave it to him one time we both started giggling. under water. hahaha.
needless to say, my David won the contest ;)
then we were at this marina place and I was running around for some reason and there was a competition of some sort taking place or something.
it was the most amazing dream I've ever had.
BEST HUG EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just hiccuped
I'm listening to some of Augustana's new stuff right now after seeing the music vid for "Sweet and Low" on Nocturnal State tonight.
I actually really freaking like it.
a lot.
I actually really freaking like it.
a lot.
um, so, I don't really know what to write, it's just been awhile since I've posted anything.
I've been doing stuff all week w/ my friends but I still feel pretty empty honestly.
I love my friends though. they really are the greatest, no joke.
I just feel like I need something more now.
like I said, I don't know.
that's about all I have now. I'm in love with David Cook. he's dating Kimberly Caldwell though. so my dreams are basically dashed at the moment. but it's okay b/c she was one of my faves from the second season, and she really likes him. I hope they're happy together :D oh, and warped tour is in less than 2 weeks now and I get to see anberlin :D
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