I think I got a little bit, but not the vindicating closure that makes you feel better.
but I'll take what I can get at this point.
Nathan Morris is really good. I like his music a lot.
today was interesting.
my face hurts a lot still and I still have a headache.
but I'm okay
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
you know, I've never really understood Thanksgiving
the whole "thankful" part's never really come into the equation in my family.
so when people ask "What are you thankful for this year?" my response today is "Abso-fuckin-lutely nothing."
Starshine came in at 10:30 to tell me that if I wasn't up by noon that he was going to throw a bucket of water on me to get up. so I took that as he would wake me up at noon.
so when my cousin Alison came in at 1 asking me if I wanted a sandwich or something I was like "Huhhhhhhhh???" and Starshine wasn't around so I assumed he had already gone to Colin's.
but when he walked in the door at 1:30 and came into my room and said "You're not going to Colin's" I was like WTF? and then I tried to explain to him why I hadn't gotten up (b/c I didn't know what time it was b/c I fell back asleep HARD when he came in the first time) and he didn't fucking listen. he never does. like I try to explain something and all he does is talk over me. and then he left. then my cousin said, "Do you think you could be ready in 10 minutes Candace?" and I told her he already left and she said "Well I can go see if I can get him to wait" so I got up and brushed my teeth, went to the bathroom, got dressed. but by the time I got out of the bathroom he had left and Alison said "Well I guess it looks like you'll be going with your mom. He did wait a little while though." so I was like FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK and said "Well I guess I can take a shower then," so I went back into the bathroom and got ready to take a shower when Starshine knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to go. I was like WHAT THE FUCKKKKK? and I told him "I'm about to take a goddamn shower. Just go." and by that point I had already been quietly crying. and then he asked me what was wrong and I screamed at him "YOU ARE!" and turned the shower on and got in. that's when I started bawling. he knocked on the door again and asked "Why are you crying?" and my response through my violent crying was "I'M TAKING A FUCKING SHOWER! LEAVE ME ALONE!" and then I curled up in the shower. that's the first time I've ever sat down in there. and I stayed there for 10 minutes, just crying.
and the worst part of this whole situation is that my mother will take his side. like she always does. I'm so fucking tired of it. all I want is somebody to be on my side for once. I know the obvious answer is God, but He's fuckin Switzerland, He's neutral, He's on everybody's side. so where does that leave me? sitting in the shower. bawling my eyes out. that's where.
so when people ask "What are you thankful for this year?" my response today is "Abso-fuckin-lutely nothing."
Starshine came in at 10:30 to tell me that if I wasn't up by noon that he was going to throw a bucket of water on me to get up. so I took that as he would wake me up at noon.
so when my cousin Alison came in at 1 asking me if I wanted a sandwich or something I was like "Huhhhhhhhh???" and Starshine wasn't around so I assumed he had already gone to Colin's.
but when he walked in the door at 1:30 and came into my room and said "You're not going to Colin's" I was like WTF? and then I tried to explain to him why I hadn't gotten up (b/c I didn't know what time it was b/c I fell back asleep HARD when he came in the first time) and he didn't fucking listen. he never does. like I try to explain something and all he does is talk over me. and then he left. then my cousin said, "Do you think you could be ready in 10 minutes Candace?" and I told her he already left and she said "Well I can go see if I can get him to wait" so I got up and brushed my teeth, went to the bathroom, got dressed. but by the time I got out of the bathroom he had left and Alison said "Well I guess it looks like you'll be going with your mom. He did wait a little while though." so I was like FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK and said "Well I guess I can take a shower then," so I went back into the bathroom and got ready to take a shower when Starshine knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to go. I was like WHAT THE FUCKKKKK? and I told him "I'm about to take a goddamn shower. Just go." and by that point I had already been quietly crying. and then he asked me what was wrong and I screamed at him "YOU ARE!" and turned the shower on and got in. that's when I started bawling. he knocked on the door again and asked "Why are you crying?" and my response through my violent crying was "I'M TAKING A FUCKING SHOWER! LEAVE ME ALONE!" and then I curled up in the shower. that's the first time I've ever sat down in there. and I stayed there for 10 minutes, just crying.
and the worst part of this whole situation is that my mother will take his side. like she always does. I'm so fucking tired of it. all I want is somebody to be on my side for once. I know the obvious answer is God, but He's fuckin Switzerland, He's neutral, He's on everybody's side. so where does that leave me? sitting in the shower. bawling my eyes out. that's where.
one word
why?
C:\Users\Michael\Documents\IMs\Alex 11-28-07.html
C:\Users\Michael\Documents\IMs\Alex 11-29-07.html
C:\Users\Michael\Documents\IMs\Alex 11-28-07.html
C:\Users\Michael\Documents\IMs\Alex 11-29-07.html
I really don't even know
I don't think I'm as good of a person as I like to think.
I'm soooooo hypocritical sometimes. and I hate it. I'm trying to change that.
I'm soooooo hypocritical sometimes. and I hate it. I'm trying to change that.
Friday, November 21, 2008
a year ago today
a beautiful November morning
early, no traffic
tall buildings on all sides
a jaw dropped in awe
the splendor of the city
reflected in high window panes
stepping out of the car
the air cool and crisp
even more beautiful from the street
constant clicking of the camera's shutter
walking with her father
the girl is happy
view of the bridge from the hill
at her father's suggestion
the girl stands
in the middle of the empty street
clicks the shutter once
satisfied, she returs to the sidewalk
little did she know
this photograph would embody her favorite city
little did she know
this photograph would take her back
to that morning everytime she looked at it
little did she know
this photograph would change her life
little did she know
on an early November morning
also a year ago today something started that should never have begun in the first place
he said "i love you"
she brushed it off
"you mean everything to me"
"I love you too" she half-lied
she thought it was too soon to tell
but he insisted and drew her in
every intention of flying together
forever
"you're beautiful" he told her
elated, she couldn't resist his charm
could this really last?
in their minds the answer was 'yes'
would do everything they could
false sense of security
confrontation arose
he wasn't thinking clearly before
but he still wanted to be friends
"it's all or nothing at all"
later on she tried to be friends
but he wanted nothing to do with her
ignored her even
the closest thing she ever had to love
Thursday, November 20, 2008
holy shit. tomorrow's the 21st
oh bother.one of the best days of my life it was :/
more on that tomorrow though
Friday, November 14, 2008
Flow For the Love of Water
great great film
very informative and heartbreaking at the same time
water is being privatized all over the world by big corporations and it's making life for so very many people so much harder than it already was, harder than it has to be. dams are being built that disrupt ecosystems and displace whole communities.
it's awful.
flowthefilm.com
charitywater.org
go to those!!! educate yourself!
very informative and heartbreaking at the same time
water is being privatized all over the world by big corporations and it's making life for so very many people so much harder than it already was, harder than it has to be. dams are being built that disrupt ecosystems and displace whole communities.
it's awful.
flowthefilm.com
charitywater.org
go to those!!! educate yourself!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I had an absolutely MARVELOUS day
and for no particular reason! I love being happy again :D
I got up, went about my morning routines, Becca Kate showed up earlier than usual, we got to Butte at 7:41. that's pretty much a record for us lol. then I stood outside my classroom for a few minutes waiting for my professor to show up, but then a blonde lady came and posted a sign on the door saying class was canceled. so I told this guy Weston (I think that's his name) that we didn't have class and he was like "Are you serious?" and I was like "Yep." so that meant I didn't have class until 11. and I was totally okay with it. I wasn't mad that I had gotten up for no reason, I was just happy. so I called Elnora to ask where she was and we saw each other while on the phone so we met at the bottom of the stairs. and we talked and then this boy walked by and smiled at me. he was beautiful. he was wearing a beanie and plaid and lots of layers if I recall correctly. and he had the pretttttttttttiest blue eyes :) and then Elle and walked around the other side of the library and she decided she should go to class so I went into the library and found myself a computer, coincidentally next to a couple of WoW addicts lol. they were LOUD and annoying, but entertaining at the same time. the one guy kept saying to the other guy "Do NOT be a total noob" it was pretty hilarious. during my time in the library I kept reading more of Stephen Christian's OLD blogs on Modesty and I talked to my east coast friend Ryan who saw anberlin last night. so we had a pretty good conversation about them :)
then around 9:12ish I left the library to meet Sara outside her class. I got there and Elnora was waiting for her geog class to start and Sara was gone so I just hung out w/ Elle for a bit. then she went to class and I went and found Sara and her friend Alisha and we talked about random crap. and then on our way to the cafeteria we passed this plant, I suppose that's what it was, that was basically all thorns and then we talked about how it reminded us of Disney movies lol. like the "forest" Prince Phillip has to fight his way through in Sleeping Beauty and the thorn things Simba falls into in Lion King lol. then we ran into Devin Guilianno and a girl named Michelle that they're all friends with (I don't think she likes me much lol) and we sat and talked for like 40ish minutes. then Sara, Alisha, Devin, and I went to our next classes together. we all linked arms, it was pretty funny. so I went to piano and I actually enjoyed it today. it was great! like Lou (our teacher) was doing some pretty WEIRD stuff and this girl Erin just kept laughing and Lou was like "What's so funny?" and she laughed as she replied "You, you're just cute" hahaha. it was great.
after class I went and found Morgan and Heather. then Morgan and I went to find Nick and we talked to him for a bit and then we went back to Heather who said we should've taken her camera with us so we could document the growth of his perv stache lmao. so we went back and I took a couple of pictures. then Morgan, Heather, and I chilled for awhile. then I found Becca and we left.
I got home, watched last night's Gossip Girl while eating my leftover asparagus risotto from Olive Garden, then I watched Wizards of Waverly Place, then my mom came home and I helped her with the groceries, watched last night's SNL Presidential Bash, and then mum and I watched last night's One Tree Hill. after that we mostly watched election news I believe. Starshine came home and I was flipping between election stuff and The Rescuers Down Under. oh how I love old school animated Disney movies :D
then we had dinner: pot roast and potatoes and carrots. my arteries were clogging as I ate lol. but it was yummy.
then I did dishes and got online.
Obama won, not too happy about that. I have my reasons, ask for them if you'd like :) talked to a few people on AIM, including Jess :) hopefully we'll be going on a roadtrip next summer to Seattle when she's out here. I seriously want to move there SO bad. we shall see :)
talked to this guy named Forrest from dA about his journal entry and how Stephen's blogs helped him out :D oh, and he thought Stephen was my brother lmfao. honestly, how freaking COOL would that be??? oh goodness
so all in all, a very good day. I haven't been this happy about my day in God knows how long. I'm very very happy that I'm happy again :D
I'll post something tomorrow on how Stephen Christian and Modesty contributors made me rethink love. :D
I got up, went about my morning routines, Becca Kate showed up earlier than usual, we got to Butte at 7:41. that's pretty much a record for us lol. then I stood outside my classroom for a few minutes waiting for my professor to show up, but then a blonde lady came and posted a sign on the door saying class was canceled. so I told this guy Weston (I think that's his name) that we didn't have class and he was like "Are you serious?" and I was like "Yep." so that meant I didn't have class until 11. and I was totally okay with it. I wasn't mad that I had gotten up for no reason, I was just happy. so I called Elnora to ask where she was and we saw each other while on the phone so we met at the bottom of the stairs. and we talked and then this boy walked by and smiled at me. he was beautiful. he was wearing a beanie and plaid and lots of layers if I recall correctly. and he had the pretttttttttttiest blue eyes :) and then Elle and walked around the other side of the library and she decided she should go to class so I went into the library and found myself a computer, coincidentally next to a couple of WoW addicts lol. they were LOUD and annoying, but entertaining at the same time. the one guy kept saying to the other guy "Do NOT be a total noob" it was pretty hilarious. during my time in the library I kept reading more of Stephen Christian's OLD blogs on Modesty and I talked to my east coast friend Ryan who saw anberlin last night. so we had a pretty good conversation about them :)
then around 9:12ish I left the library to meet Sara outside her class. I got there and Elnora was waiting for her geog class to start and Sara was gone so I just hung out w/ Elle for a bit. then she went to class and I went and found Sara and her friend Alisha and we talked about random crap. and then on our way to the cafeteria we passed this plant, I suppose that's what it was, that was basically all thorns and then we talked about how it reminded us of Disney movies lol. like the "forest" Prince Phillip has to fight his way through in Sleeping Beauty and the thorn things Simba falls into in Lion King lol. then we ran into Devin Guilianno and a girl named Michelle that they're all friends with (I don't think she likes me much lol) and we sat and talked for like 40ish minutes. then Sara, Alisha, Devin, and I went to our next classes together. we all linked arms, it was pretty funny. so I went to piano and I actually enjoyed it today. it was great! like Lou (our teacher) was doing some pretty WEIRD stuff and this girl Erin just kept laughing and Lou was like "What's so funny?" and she laughed as she replied "You, you're just cute" hahaha. it was great.
after class I went and found Morgan and Heather. then Morgan and I went to find Nick and we talked to him for a bit and then we went back to Heather who said we should've taken her camera with us so we could document the growth of his perv stache lmao. so we went back and I took a couple of pictures. then Morgan, Heather, and I chilled for awhile. then I found Becca and we left.
I got home, watched last night's Gossip Girl while eating my leftover asparagus risotto from Olive Garden, then I watched Wizards of Waverly Place, then my mom came home and I helped her with the groceries, watched last night's SNL Presidential Bash, and then mum and I watched last night's One Tree Hill. after that we mostly watched election news I believe. Starshine came home and I was flipping between election stuff and The Rescuers Down Under. oh how I love old school animated Disney movies :D
then we had dinner: pot roast and potatoes and carrots. my arteries were clogging as I ate lol. but it was yummy.
then I did dishes and got online.
Obama won, not too happy about that. I have my reasons, ask for them if you'd like :) talked to a few people on AIM, including Jess :) hopefully we'll be going on a roadtrip next summer to Seattle when she's out here. I seriously want to move there SO bad. we shall see :)
talked to this guy named Forrest from dA about his journal entry and how Stephen's blogs helped him out :D oh, and he thought Stephen was my brother lmfao. honestly, how freaking COOL would that be??? oh goodness
so all in all, a very good day. I haven't been this happy about my day in God knows how long. I'm very very happy that I'm happy again :D
I'll post something tomorrow on how Stephen Christian and Modesty contributors made me rethink love. :D
Monday, November 3, 2008
California's a fucking lie
you know nothing of true loneliness
you don't know how it feels to sit alone every night
you don't know how it feels to never have been loved
you don't know what it's like to be this close
you know nothing of true loneliness
you don't know the horror of it
you don't know the way it drives you crazy
you know nothing of the insatiable longing
when you know how it truly feels to be lonely
then we'll talk
just something that came to mind
don't give me this "oh, whoa is me, I feel lonely for the moment" crap.
know what it's truly truly like to be lonely, and then I'll show some sympathy.
so tomorrow's election day. I fear Obama's going to win and I have a gut feeling Prop 8 will pass :(
so get ready for change people.
in other news, my birthday is in 6 days :)
and I'm going to see Lydia and Copeland on Saturday, so I'm SUPER stoked for that :D
I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really want to go to Seattle. I've never been but for some reason I just feel like that's where I need to be. oh idk.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
a shower in the dark
what a good shower. it was raining so there was very little light coming through the solar tube in my bathroom, but it was a great shower. I was listening to my rain mix which at the time was mostly Lydia songs :)
I see beauty in the darkness
I hear beauty in the silence
Feel the beauty when I'm numb
Smell the beauty of the rain
Taste the beauty of the ordinary
The beauty I know is love
then I spent a good chunk of time with the lights off in the house just in a shirt and knickers. I quite enjoyed it :)
then I read Parker's Political Thoughts Blog which I found quite interesting
I watched Dexter this whole afternoon as well. I love that show a lot a lot. oh, and my friend Jess who lives on the East Coast (she's my anberlin buddy) texted me this while at the anberlin show "Brent remembers u!" and I started freaking out!!!! (I gave Brent/the whole crew 4 things of Twizzlers in SF) then she called me during "A Day Late" and "*Fin" and it was AMAZING. fucking Stephen's voice. my most favorite sound in the whole world :D
I love Jess :)
and now David Cook is going to be on SNL.
a pretty decent day all in all :)
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