200 thumbtacks later

in the past 24ish hours, I've pushed about 200 thumbtacks into my bedroom walls.
my right thumb is KILLING me, and my left thumb is a tad sore as well.
but, I put up 30 new anberlin pictures, the new anberlin poster, the To Write Love On Her Arms poster of Deon, and my signed anberlin bag on my wall and I think it looks really good :D.
I love my room very much.

I need something more.
point blank.
I honestly think I've outgrown her. we were BEST freaking friends last year, and then the whole drama of this school year happened but a little over a month ago we got back on good terms, which I was really thankful for. but, I've realized lately that she's a bit on the immature side. especially when it comes to guys. she's changed so much on that front. she's just so different now. I guess I knew all along that things could never go back to how they were before this year, but I don't think I realized how much had really changed. the world has changed, and I have changed.
I'm tired of making little immature sexual jokes, I just think of it more as a crutch now than anything. sometimes it's just like GROW UP.
and I think a few of my friends overanalyze every single little thing and it's just like LET IT GO.
and 2 of them are too judgemental in my eyes. and that bothers me. I don't like to judge, I will be nice to you no matter what, unless you give me a good enough reason to not like you. and that's pretty hard to do.
and most of my friends now drink and have lots of sex, and that's not who I am at all. I've realized lately that drinking is pretty stupid b/c it just makes you act like an idiot and you do stuff you'll regret later and I just don't get it. as for the sex, that is not who I am in the slightest. a lot of the people that I knew as virgins who were waiting for marriage have changed their minds. I still am going to wait, and I really hope I don't change my mind and lose my values. that depresses me a bit when people change so much and lose who they once were.
but I guess that inevitably happens.
I just really want to meet somebody new, somebody that can teach me a thing or two about anything. somebody intelligent and mature. somebody that I can have a substantial conversation with. somebody, anybody.
oh, and also having to do w/ Elnora, when we weren't friends I felt like I had matured and grown quite a bit, but now that we're friends again, I feel like I've backtracked and my growth has been stunted. I don't know, but it sucks.
I just need something to change. and I feel like it's going to have to be drastic. I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone around me or myself, but if that's what it's going to take, then I'll deal with it. and hopefully grow from it.

I think most of all at the moment though, I want to find love. I just don't feel like I truly love anybody at the moment. don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, but it's not like how it used to be. it's different now. I don't know what changed. I have no clue. and I want to find inspiration. I've basically had no interest whatsoever in photography. and I think digital photography makes me sloppy in the respect that I just click away knowing that if I don't like it, I can automatically delete it. I like the maticulous planning of working with film, I thoroughly enjoy it :). I just need to find inspiration. anberlin/Stephen Christian are ever-inspiring, but I just can't come up with anything at the moment. it's been almost 2 months since I've truly enjoyed taking pictures, and that makes me really sad.
and it scares me too. :(

all in all, I just need something more than what I've got going on right now. I don't know what it is yet, but I hope I find out soon.