DVOR Basic Issue Development - Control

Candace P.

DVOR 2nd Level, Tues. 6-8pm

4 June 2013

Basic Issue Development -  Control

Control is the desire/compulsory need to have things go your way.  Whether it be in regards to what you and your friends do on a Saturday night, how your house needs to be cleaned a certain way, or even what your significant other is doing in his or her spare time, if you feel the need to be in charge of all these situations, then control is an issue.

I have been a little OCD since childhood, but I think I became more aware of my control issues as a teenager when it came to doing the dishes.  I liked the silverware to be facing down in the dishwasher so when it was clean you could just grab it by the handles and put it away; that way the part that is used to eat with doesn’t get smudged or dirty again.  I also liked it organized so that all the forks were in one compartment, the knives were in another, and so on.  I also like to be in control of my time, as far as being on-time to work, appointments, etc.  This I know I learned from my mother because she is the exact opposite.  As a kid she would call my grandparents’ house and say she would be home in half an hour; two hours later she would finally get there.  My mother has always been late, and as a kid I was late to school nearly every day.  This always bothered me, so as an adult I am really on top of being somewhere I said I was going to be at the time I said I was going to be there.

This basic issue has manifested itself in several areas of my life throughout the years.  Once in high school when I was unloading the dishwasher and found that the silverware was all facing up and disorganized, I told my mother how I would prefer it to be the next time.  She said, “This is the only thing you have control over in your life so you go overboard with it,” and she was angry with me for getting upset with her.  It also came to life in a really ugly way with my ex-boyfriend, the victim of my domestic violence.  I told him how to dress, how to drive, when he needed to get out of bed so we wouldn’t be late to class, that he needed to take a shower, that he needed to get a job, that he needed to stop doing drugs, and the list goes on and on.  I am sure that he felt I was overbearing and that I was nagging him constantly, so naturally he was annoyed with me.  

The way that my control issues have affected me is that they have brought a lot of stress into my life.  I needed to have things a certain way at a certain time, and if they weren’t the way I wanted them to be I would freak out.  I especially noticed them with my ex when he wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning; I didn’t want to be late and after twenty minutes of trying to wake him up nicely, I would start yelling at him and pushing him so he would finally get out of bed.  This stressed me out beyond belief and made me very angry and resentful towards him.

I have been addressing this basic issue since I started taking this class in January.  When it comes to making plans and hanging out with friends, I kind of just go with the flow now.  I don’t freak out if plans get canceled or rescheduled.  This has been very prevalent with my “guy friend” in the last few months.  When we first started hanging out our schedules were pretty conflicting, so if plans were canceled I took a deep breath and told myself “It’s okay, it’s not going to work out this time, but there will be a more opportune time in the future.”  Normally I would try to force things and really push going to get coffee or something, but with him I have really calmed down and let things develop naturally instead of forcefully.  I think positive self-talk is my key to dealing with my control issues; I can’t let things get to me and I have to tell myself that everything is going to work out in the end.