Twenty-three was by far the most difficult year of my adult life, thus far. Up until probably mid-September I spent all but the first two weeks of the 2014 calendar year in absolute misery. I had never had my heart broken before and the weight of that was crushing. One of the biggest lessons I learned in technically my 24th year of life, was to never speak in absolutes (yes, I realize the irony of that statement). I had done things I swore I'd never do in a million years, and the one thing I prided myself most on is the thing I turned my back to completely. But you know, as they say, pride cometh before the fall, and boy oh boy was I proud, and boy oh boy did I fall. Hard. I hurt people in a way I had never hurt anyone before; I lied in a way I didn't know I was capable of; I felt no remorse, no regret. I was apathetic to it all.
One of the things I am most interested in in life is to understand people, to truly understand them and their motives for why they do the things they do, and by summer I finally understood. When you become so selfish that you don't care how your actions effect those around you, that's when the apathy creeps in, that's when the apathy floods your system and you become the person that you never wanted to be. I had become apathetic to all, justifying my actions in inexcusable ways. When in reality there was no excuse for what I did, no legitimate justification. I generally try to live by the golden rule, while in the last month before turning a year older, I had completely disregarded it and started living without rules. Afterall, there are no rules when it comes to matters of the heart.
Twenty-three was the messiest, most complicated year of my life. It was filled with pain, and heartache, and a desire to crawl into a hole and never wake up again. "These are hard times, yes hard times, these are hard times, there are harder times to come." I know this won't be the hardest thing I'll go through in my life, there will be times much more difficult to get through than this, but I know I'll get through them all. They'll be painful, but there's always beauty waiting on the other side. I know that something great will come out of this past year, I'm not sure what it is yet, and I'm not sure when I'll find out, but I know everything happens for a reason, and that's the hope I have to hold on to. I have way too many things to be grateful for and to be happy about to dwell on the less-than-ideal experiences. For goodness' sake, I took 10+ plane rides up and down the coast and cross-country. I saw some spectacular things, met some amazing people, and had heart wrenchingly beautiful experiences. This glass is far too full for it to even be considered half-empty.
Twenty-three ended on the best possible note. Vulnerable, raw, intimate to the core. The best conversation I've probably ever had in my life with someone that had destroyed everything I thought I was. The honesty is something that I will hold onto for the rest of my life and I hope it's an experience I never forget. Four hours of nothing but pain and vulnerability and comfort. It was perfect. I didn't want to carry the awful decisions I'd made as a 23-year-old into the next year, and I will be forever grateful for the day before my birthday, the evening I spent with Kyle. It will be a struggle for awhile longer, but I know one day my heart will heal and I'll be grateful for one of the hardest years of my life.
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