Letter to Kyle

Weds. 6 August 2014

Kyle,

Never had I been more heartbroken in my entire life.  For the past two months my heart has been functioning at minimal capacity, never healing.  Where any mention of you and Heidi, or you and any other girl for that matter, used to crush me like a ton of bricks, it now only stings slightly.  For a very solid 3 weeks, at least, you were in at least one of my dreams every single night.  Where at first sleep was my only solace, that now too became a place of inescape.  A place where I knew I would have to see you every night once my eyelids closed for long enough to play a picture on the backs of them.  Instead of waking every morning and having those two blissful seconds of disorientation from reality, I now could no longer wake in confusion, but instead I awakened with sorrow.  There are very few things left in this town that don’t remind me of you in some way or another, which makes things rather difficult.  I think back to those places and times and see how happy we were at first, and then I see how it started to disintegrate, but mostly I still see happiness.

And it’s frustrating for me because we didn’t end on my terms, at all, we ended on yours.  I had never been in a “relationship” that hadn’t ended on my terms, and that’s what kept me hanging on at first, for far too long.  That’s why I gave you that second chance, that second chance that you blew, and couldn’t have cared less about.  At least that you seemingly didn’t care about.  You say it’s because you got scared, and that may partially be true, but I also think it’s because you’re a coward when it comes to confrontation and didn’t want to tell me the truth point blank.  Whatever the case, it doesn’t matter much now.  You broke my heart.  So completely.  What hurts the most is that I don’t hate you, it would be so much easier if I did.  I still like talking to you at work, I still like giving you a hard time, I still like working with you.  While at first all I wanted was revenge, I knew that wasn’t the right option, instead I genuinely wished you and Heidi all the best.

I know I’ll eventually be able to move on from this heartache, and I know I’ll be better for it, I’m just not seeing it quite yet.  Since it first came out about Heidi in March I have had rebounds and one night stands galore.  I’ve become someone I swore I’d never be.  Especially since you two became “official” in June.  I was trying to drown my sorrow for you in others and was only left feeling emptier than before.  I still thought of you constantly, you were the only one that I had feelings for, you were the only one I wanted to be with.  I no longer have feelings for you, and I haven’t for awhile, but I’m still not over you, I’m not over this whole situation.  Relationships, or even simply getting to know someone, terrify me.  I am so afraid of being lied to, of being hurt again the way you hurt me.

You say that I broke your heart, too.  You say you felt betrayed by one of your best friends because we started talking.  He was there for me when you were off with other people.  He was there as a friend to help get me through the betrayal that he had also recently gone through.  I’m not sure if I actually broke your heart the way you’re making it out to be, but if I did, I am truly sorry, it was never my intention to hurt you.  I very sincerely hope that you can do some self-examination and see who you are, and see how much better you can be.  You have some growing up to do, and we all do, just stop being so afraid to tell people how you feel/what’s on your mind.  If you have a problem with something, verbalize it, work it out, don’t just bury it under the rug, where it’s just as obvious.  I know you can be someone you’re proud of, and I hope that you can see that for yourself.

I truly wish you nothing but the best,

Candace