Date or Soulmate: Know Yourself

1.  Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
Ryan Gregory Miller.  I love him more than words can say.  We will have been friends for 10 years as of next month (February 11th to be exact) and I don't know what I would do without him.  I sometimes believe that he is my soulmate but he just happens to be gay.  We have been through so much together, we've had our good and bad times, but we always find our way back to each other.  There have been a couple of times throughout our relationship that we've kind of grown apart and we've "broken up" but it never lasts long.  We didn't talk for a long time when Beau and I were dating because Beau wasn't okay with the fact that Ryan's gay.  But I found my way back to my best friend.  And when we have issues with one another we can talk about it, fix it, and move on.  We also are able to have the world's stupidest conversations, but we can also be serious and have heartfelt conversations along with intelligent ones.  He's pretty much everything I want in a guy.

2.  What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
Having a family.  I want that more than anything in the world.  I want to get married and have three kids and just be a great mom and wife.  I want to wake up early on Saturday mornings and make breakfast for my kids and drive them to school and pick them up and play sports with them.  This is the one thing that I cannot wait to have happen.

3.  Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you angry?
Beau did.  He hasn't been a part of my life since last June (so 7 months now), but I had never known that I was capable of the anger that he managed to pull out of me.  The thing that got to me the most was his incessant lying; I never knew what to believe.  His laziness, his ability to say all the right things but never to act on his words, the fact that he had a job for only 2 months and didn't care about looking for another after he was fired, his cheating on tests and projects, the way he manipulated everything to make it everyone else's fault except for his own, his lack of responsibility and self-discipline, not to mention the drugs.
And then there is Marinda.  She doesn't make me angry so much as she just annoys me.  She's a sweet girl and I love her, but sometimes I feel like I'm dating her.  And that is a really uncomfortable thing.  She's really needy, both physically and emotionally.  She hugs me like a girl would hug a guy and she's a barnacle sometimes.  She apologizes for everything and far too often, when no apology is even needed.  She texts too much and when I don't reply she keeps texting.  She has scared me into believing that I bother people when I text them.

4.  Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable?
My mama.  Like any child I have messed up big time on multiple occasions, but she still loves me and is there for me.  Even when I'm tired and grouchy she still loves me and will make me coffee.  She loves my friends like they were her own and I love that about her.


5.  What is it like being you?  More precisely, how do you feel about yourself - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
Physically - Well I gained about 10 pounds last June when all the crap went down with Beau (the trespassing at the Herzoffs' and then him stealing my phone), and I haven't lost it all yet.  For the most part I am very comfortable in my skin though.  Sure I would like to be a little thinner, but I've always been overweight.  I just want to be healthy now and I'm pretty active, so I'm alright with my body.
Emotionally - I have trust issues up the wazoo now because of Beau.  I've also become rather cynical in my view of love in the past year, but overall I'd say I'm pretty emotionally stable.  I'm a little afraid of relationships, but I don't know if that necessarily falls under the "emotional" category.
Mentally - Pretty much the same as the answer above.  I'm more skeptical of everyone now though.
Spiritually - I feel like I've become a bit numb in my relationship with Jesus.  I've distanced myself from Him in the past few months and I'm trying to get back on track, but it feels like the harder I try the more and more lost I become.

6.  When do you feel inspired?  Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration?  How does it feel when you are inspired?
The sunrise is pretty much my favorite thing in the world.  I love early mornings, but I hate waking up early.  The pink haze of pre-dawn never ceases to make me want to take pictures and just love life.  Music also inspires a lot of my art.  When I am inspired I just want to get whatever it is in my head out into the real world; I want to draw it, make it, take pictures of it, and I want to do it NOW.  I'll mess up my room trying to find/do exactly what I need in order to make it happen, and I feel accomplished and happy afterwards.

7.  What is the most important thing in the world to you?
Love.  Loving my family, my friends, nature, art, knowledge, everything.  I want to love others and I want others to see the beauty in everything around them.

8.  If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
I think I would want to spend it with Ryan honestly.  He is my favorite person in the world and I love him to the moon.  I would want to do stupid kid things and enjoy every second of the day with him.  Whether it be going to the park, skinny dipping, driving around a singing/screaming at the top of our lungs, eating at diners, running at seagulls, anything as long as I was with him I would be happy.

9.  When do you feel most afraid?
I don't feel afraid generally.  Sometimes if I wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream or I hear an out of place noise I get a little freaked out, but nothing major.

10.  If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
To have a family and raise my kids to be caring, loving, and strong individuals.

11.  What bores you?  What always bores you, and what never bores you?
I don't get bored all that easily, I'm rather easily amused.  I do tune out of conversations that revolve too heavily around sports.  I love sports, both watching and playing, but when people get too into it and get mad at players or refs and that's all they talk about, then I get bored.  Movies generally keep me entertained and I love just sitting with someone and listening to mutually-liked music.

12.  How important is money to you?  How much time do you spend thinking about it, and what income level do you aspire to?
Money is important only because we all need it to get by, but it's not that important.  I'm not greedy and I don't think about it all that often.  The income level I aspire to is just a place that I am comfortable and can go on vacation if I want to and not have to worry about it.  Honestly I would like my husband to have a good-paying job that he loves and then I would only have to work if I wanted to.

13.  What is the role of God in your life?  Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you?
God is my creator and my father.  I would like to say that God is a huge part of my life, but recently (like I said in number 5) I feel like I've become distanced from Him in the recent months.  I feel like I need to be broken and in utter, desperate need of Him, but I don't know what it would take.  Also like I said in number 5, I feel the harder I try the greater the distance becomes between us.  I'm currently on the serve team for the Awakening, so I show up an hour early to pray and help set things up, then I do Awakening U on Sundays, and I'm doing 30+, but I feel like I'm going through the motions right now and I hate it.  I want to be passionate about Him, but it seems like whatever I need to do I just do the opposite, but not on purpose, that's just what happens.

14.  In order, what are you three strongest interests?
Things-
A) Photography/art/creativity in general
B) Movies and music
C) Sports
(That was hard for me.  Photography is my number one and that's all I could think of right off the bat.)
Non-things-
A) Loving my friends and family
B) Making friends
C) Loving others

15.  Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
Beau.  I wouldn't call him my "enemy" per se, but he's the most enemy-like person in my life.  The how and why are explained in number 3.

16.  How important is food to you?  Do you think of it very often, and do you feel disciplined in your management of food intake?
I love food.  End of story.  I like good food, not just the basic fried chicken, mashed potatoes, etc.  I need to become more disciplined for sure.  I eat like crap most of the time at work on my lunch and I definitely need to change that.  I like going out to eat at "fancy" (but reasonably priced) restaurants and I like to try new things.

17.  Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you - or not so appealing?  What is there about it that you would especially like or not like?  
Appealing, but it also terrifies me.  I'm scared that I will fall out of love with the man I marry at some point and I don't understand how you can love only one person for the great majority of your life.  But I want to, I want that more than anything.

18.  Do you think of yourself as an emotionally healthy person?  In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement?
Generally speaking I do believe I am emotionally healthy.  I know that I have a family history of depression on my mom's side, which I did experience in high school for almost two years.  Also mentioned above is the fact that I have trust issues now because of Beau, but other than that I truly believe that I'm pretty solid.

19.  What is the role of conflict in your life?  Do you argue or fight very much with the people closest to you?  How does it usually turn out for you?
I hardly argue with anyone.  I get annoyed with Marinda the most, but then I just ignore her for awhile and things are fine.  She freaks out but I could care less and I'm fine with everything.

20.  What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral?
That I was a loving mother, wife, and friend that cared for her children's friends as much as she cared for her own.  That I was a talented artist that saw everything as something beautiful and helped others to see that beauty even though it wasn't always apparent.  That I will be missed but never forgotten and always loved by those I left behind.