THIS IS PARALYSIS: old stuff

6/24/07: the skin that's stretched across your bones

I just want to be left alone but I'm so effing lonely. I'm tired of this crap. like I don't want to talk to anybody but people like Elnora and Olivia. and Elnora's in friggin Europe. arg. I hate this. not to mention that I feel like shit. I just want to sit and cry my eyes out, but I can't. I don't even know. I'm just like bleh. I hate being alone, but I'm like 'don't freakin' talk to me'. it's so weird. I hate this.

8/26/07: you were in my dreams. half human half machine.

so I had some crazy weird dreams last night. I had like a million too. one was were I had to cross this swamp/desert things and I fell into the mud-water stuff and just kept falling and falling and falling and falling and I thought I was going to die until somebody grabbed my hair and pulled me out. and then I was covered in slime and stuff. and the guy that grabbed me helped us across the desert. on the left side of the desert were these weird nymphy things dressed in black flowy fabric, and on the right side were the same nymphy things dressed in colorful flowy fabric. and then our tour guide was in love w/ some friend of mine and she kissed him before he died. yeah. I really don't know.
either before or after that one I was here in Paradise and all the Disney Club people moved up here. and I saw Steven who none of us have seen in like FOREVER. so he was trying to get me to talk about the cuts on my arm but we never had a chance b/c people were always around us and I wanted to tell him in private. and then he had to leave or something. but he left his AIM stuff up on his computer and I read it. it said that Ben had died like a week earlier and then it said "you can't count on anyone else to mend your heart except for yourself."

9/24/07: we laugh in the face of love because nobody's really there, nobody's real

I'm so over the gimmick commonly known as love. I'm just so over it. I used be in love with the idea of falling in love, but now, it just seems worthless to me. love just seems to mess everything up. friendships can be ruined, lives as a whole can be turned upside down if something goes wrong. sure love can be a wonderful thing, but the idea just seems so lame to me now. I'm just so tired of seeing it everywhere. billboards, commercials, tv shows, movies, at school, around town, EVERYWHERE!!!! it just gets old after awhile. I was watching Shakespeare In Love this weekend and I used to think it was the sweetest movie ever, but now it kind of makes me sick. it's sick how disgustingly sweet their love is. it just gets OLD. and I was reading New Moon this weekend too and it's just like holy freaking crap! I'm tired of reading about this obsession. (it is a good book though). at this point, I honestly have no interest in love. it seriously makes me want to throw up.

and it really pisses me off that teenagers in relationships that have only been going for a few weeks, even less, are already saying "I love you" when they still don't know what love is. it really makes me angry. as if you can fall in love with someone after having just freaking met them!!!

I HATE LOVE

10/11/07: Candace Parker: Greatest Arsonist of All Time

I feel like I'm alone on an island that is connected to the rest of society by a series of bridges.
I can only get off the island by crossing said bridges.
only problem: I've burned them all.
burned the bridges with my friends, but most of all, with my family.
I have no hope of ever getting off this damn isolated island.
although, one bridge has been in the process of a slow rebuild, slow, but steady.
and I'm so incredibly grateful for that.
without that one bridge I think I would die.
and if that bridge takes too long to rebuild or collapses, I think I'll return to my February state.
although, I already revisted last night.

I really should be given the title of 'Greatest Arsonist', I've done so well.

12/31/07: I'm sorry for 2007

It started off like any other year.
But subtle changes had already been made.
And even greater changes were in the works.
January: fine and dandy
ON THE SURFACE
February: first wave of depression
9 EXPIRED PAIN KILLERS
March: depression carried on
FIRST BOYFRIENDS
April: depression still lingering
UNDERNEATH
May: depression reached new heights
AP TESTS
June: a new look
SCISSORS
July: happiness returns for a moment
BLISS
August: strain on relationships
HIDDEN
September: relationships under pressure
BUCKLE
October: burning bridges
BREAK DOWN
November: starting over
REBUILD
December: selfishness returns
I'M SORRY

I'd be lying if I said this year has been a complete letdown.
it wasn't.
it just happened to be full of ups and downs, and for me it was mostly down.
but the highs were wonderful.
I had the best summer I've ever had in my entire life. nights w/ Elnora (hilarious!), Thursday Night Markets w/ Elle, O, T-Mama, Holly, and many others, Harry Potter, movies, just an overall great summer.
I've tried some things that I never thought I would, well not for a few more years at least. I try not to regret anything, but how I regret September and October. and I regret being so selfish. I'm trying so hard to think of others, but for some reason, it all relates back to me. and I don't want it to anymore. I want to help somebody, I want to be that friend that's always there.
this year also helped me realize I want to get the hell out of this place, it's not where I belong anymore. I need to find myself in some other place where no one knows my name. I need to live life on my own. and most of all GROW UP. I can't keep running from the things I fear, I have to face them head on and give them all I got.

so here's to a new year my friends. drink up while you can.