I need to write more.

I've been neglecting my journal for months and I haven't written here since March. no bueno. I miss documenting my life to be quite honest. I forget so easily these days.

my relationship with Beau has never been stable. it's up, it's down, it's up, it's down, it's up again, it's down again. it's rarely ever just one or the other for more than a few days at a time. don't get me wrong, I love him so incredibly much, but I have been unsure lately if we are truly meant to be. a lot of people don't care for him and he's nothing I ever thought I would want. I'm starting to wonder if I am just a "seasoner" as he would call it; someone that comes into your life for awhile and then leaves. don't take this as prideful, but I saved his life. when we first started dating he was addicted to pills, smoked, chewed tobacco, and didn't have a job. in the 5 1/2 months that we've been together he has stopped smoking (July), quit pills (August), got a job at Safeway (August), and stopped chewing (October). he has come so far and I know he loves me; I even think he loves me more than I realize and definitely more than I deserve. sometimes I am horrible to him. just little things he does irritate the crap out of me. i.e. leaving the toilet seat up, slamming the door, leaving the toothpaste open on the counter, eating in my bed and getting crumbs in it, spilling soda (you should see how horrible my carpet has become because of him), not cleaning up after himself usually, and making me pretty much do everything for him.
I'll give him credit that lately he has been better about the soda thing, cleaning up after/doing things for himself, and putting the toilet seat down.

he just isn't the romantic sort of person I've always imagined. nothing is romantic about him at all. I like cute stupid things like random post it notes with words of "I love you" and picking daisies, and just the little things. the little things mean the most to me and he just isn't that type of person. we went to Chico the other day to drop off film, and a few times when we got out of the car while doing errands he would come up behind me and tickle me and pick me up, and it was amazing. if he could do that more often I would be so happy.

it's not that I'm unhappy with him, but I'm not happy like I think I should be. we fight constantly, and that's as much my fault as it is his (probably more mine to be honest). I compromised so much of myself and my ideals for him, and too soon. and there's no going back at this point, no matter how badly I want to. our relationship never had a time of slow-going, it was fast from the get-go. sometimes I really wish we had taken the time to really get to know each other without being in a relationship, gone out to coffee or the movies before we started "going steady". we still really haven't been on an actual date. I've never been on a real date. I think that sometimes he just figures that since we're already together he doesn't have to try to woo me or anything anymore.

the other day I kind of broke up with him (like the 15th time or something) and said I wanted to take more time to ourselves and see less of each other. the next day (Friday), he came over and I was nervous. I tried to dress nicely and clean up my room a bit and make things presentable. we ended up watching this silly video of me from a summer camp when I was about 12 or 13 and we had a great time. I just think we need to actually try more for each other and not just act like it's something that is always going to be there, something expected. each day is new and brings a different set of challenges, anything can happen. I want to be in love with him like I should be, and I don't think I am right now.