oh random rambling-ons

I almost want to go alone. just wander around by myself, going where I want, doing what I want, just alone.

I wanna go to the beach most of all. sit in the sand, stare at the waves, think about my life. or lack thereof.

I just want my life to have some meaning, any meaning whatsoever. anything at all.

I'm just having a moment right now.

one of those moments where you just want something to be real, somebody to want to be with you but simultaneously you just want to be alone.

in the past couple days I've found myself missing high school, something I never thought would happen. I just miss the simplicity of it, the daily routines, the normalcy. but at the same time I'm so very glad it's gone.

I really really really just want to get away, go some place where nobody knows me, not at all. reinvent who I am, although I don't really know who I am as it is. I want to meet new people with a clean slate. I want so much but don't know how the heck to get where I want to be.

also, I really want to believe in love, but I don't know if I can anymore. it only ever seems to end in heartache. and if I don't, that way I can't get hurt.

I need to find out what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life. like, I don't know. I don't really have my parents' support on a lot of things, they want me to finish college and basically get a desk job. NOT what I want. but I don't know what I do want. I just don't see the point of college right now, I might later, but currently, whatever.

I need a best friend. like a best best best BEST friend. like I have really good friends that are my best friends, but I mean a best friend that's always around and stuff. I don't really think that's possible in Paradise anymore. all my friends either already have best friends or other stuff.

next month I will have lived in Paradise for six years. :/

truth be told, I don't really miss my parents much at all. I've talked to my mom once for like 15 minutes and a second time for like 10 seconds. and I honestly don't really care. so I don't think I'd have a problem of feeling homesick if I moved far away or anything. which I would love to do.

I've decided I want to visit every state.

I'm honestly so incredibly over sexual jokes and crap. SO OVER IT. just grow up people.

I've been swearing so much lately, I really want/need to stop.

oh, and I hate how when people say you like someone but you really don't but they keep saying it and then you start to believe it yourself but then you realize you don't actually like the person. that's really annoying. don't let other people tell you how you feel, decide for yourself.

I don't really know. I'm just really tired and just want someone here I can talk to I think.

I really do miss sleeping in my own bed though, I think that's what I miss most about home.

and I have no clue when I'm going back b/c my parents are gone this weekend. I don't know.

I don't know.