I don't even know

tonight was crazy.

Starshine made me feel guilty and selfish and shitty all around. he was upset that I hadn't told him about American Idol yet, but the truth of the matter was that I hadn't really had the opportunity and I forgot to last night.
he made me feel worthless pretty much. he made me feel like a did about a year ago. I've moved on from that time, I'm not that selfish, self-absorbed person I once was. but he doesn't see that. he doesn't see me. but I can't really expect him to, I'm holed up in my room all the time.
but needless to say I thought about it again.

then later I sobbed on my mom's shoulder. she's amazing. and we talked. I was THIS close to moving down to my dad's and going to school down there. she was going to call him tomorrow so they could talk about it. I almost did. the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I would have no time left to spend with my friends up here. and I couldn't handle that. so we're just going to see what happens this semester. I really do love her. she's absofuckinglutely amazing.
she just wants me to be happy and she knows I'm not. I love her. I love her so much. :)

so yeah, that was my awful night.