So conflicted.

I know that having these types of feelings is dumb and pointless, but I feel them all the same.  I want them to go away, but I don't want them to leave.  I love smiling when I get a text, knowing it's him.

I also think having feelings for him is "safe" because nothing will ever come of it (most likely) and that way I don't worry about guys around here at all, I have someone else to focus my attention on.  And I'm terrified of losing him somehow, like he'll get bored with me after awhile.  We've been talking nearly everyday for nearly 3 weeks now, and I don't want to lose that.  I love talking to him.  But I also feel like that's not a long time at all.  Sometimes I think he's too cool for me, too cool to want to be my friend and I'm afraid I'm bothering him with my banter.  But I know that sometimes I'm not, because he'll banter back. 


I know I need to be focusing solely on God, and I am trying, and that's why I don't want to feel this way.  But also when I think about him and how wonderful he is it makes me want to pray and read my Bible and get closer to the One that created love in the first place.  I am just so conflicted.


At the very least I figure we'll meet one day in Heaven, and I hope and pray that I will know that he was somehow significant to me in this life.